Saltine Crackers with Tab

A show... and dinner!!!

2011-03-25T12:00:00.002-05:00

Heading over to the Continental Club this evening to take in the Southern Culture on the Skids show... for those of you not familiar with the band, they do a song called "8 Piece Box"... during live performances of this song, pieces of fried chicken are gently (or not so gently) tossed into the crowd, as seen here...

Fun! That being said, I don't think this concept would work nearly as well if Robert Earl Keen chose to do the same during a performance of "Five Pound Bass".

Just sayin'...

Not sure how I feel about this...

2011-03-16T14:00:00.002-05:00

should I be happy that I was, by far, the least-fat person in the busy plus-size clothing store... or should I be upset about the fact that I was shopping at the fat guy shop to begin with?

Hmmm...

2011, So Far... in Five Words

2011-02-12T00:33:00.002-06:00

Cold
Jogging
Taciturn
Wham-O
Impacted (as in feces)

Soup's on, Gertrude!!!

In the year of Our Lord, 2011...

2010-12-31T20:18:00.008-06:00

I resolve to:

exercise moderation in the pursuit of all things, particularly the quality of being moderate
give a Dutch oven to a Dutch girl
eat less cheese / destroy fewer commodes
give without any thought of reciprocity, especially in instances of ass-kickings and STDs
not rage violently about things such as cyclists, democrats, the New York Rangers, Texas' sodomy laws, the Amish, the lack of good bagel shops in Houston, my ever-increasing volume of ear hair, etc...
see at least five films in theatrical release (the gauntlet is thrown... bring it on, Hollywood)
make every effort as one man to bring parachute pants back into style
be less overtly gassy in the company of friends and family (NEVER gonna happen)
write more
put more effort into grooming myself
put more effort into grooming my dog
put more effort into grooming the lawn
put more effort into becoming a groom (grooming myself will hopefully help towards this end)
be a bigger bad ass than I was in 2010 (a tall order, indeed)
be more resolute

2010...

2010-12-25T22:34:00.001-06:00

The Year I Just Didn't Have a Lot to Say.

Hoping to spew much more drivel in the coming year.

Decisions... decisions...

2010-10-08T15:56:00.002-05:00

Two messages in my Yahoo! email Spam folder, one with the subject "Asian Singles" and the other slugged "Sexy Single Asians"... obviously, either of the two, when pursued, will occupy my time fully, so I can choose but one, BUT WHICH ONE SHOULD I CHOOSE??? I really don't need to be forced into that kind of under-the-gun decision making right now... honestly.

Fun Show!

2010-07-15T22:21:00.002-05:00

Had a blast seeing Mates of State at Warehouse Live last Thursday... here's a vid someone shot of "For the Actor"

If I may invoke Roddy Piper... Guess he's all out of bubble gum.

2010-06-08T12:01:00.004-05:00

Is saying you need to figure out "whose ass to kick" a presidential way to behave???

Celebrity Sort-of Look-Alike: Hall & Oates / Cartoon Edition

2010-06-08T11:40:00.005-05:00

Keenly-coiffured Daryl Hall...

...and the character I've more or less emulated in every way (especially the not scoring aspect) since 1993, Beavis.

The man who took the baton from Art Garfunkel... and then passed it to Andrew Ridgeley, the magnificently-mustachioed John Oates...

...and long, lost "Garfield" character, Lyman.

Thank you, Associated Press... A-holes!!!

2010-05-28T22:18:00.002-05:00

Okay... here's the AP recap on tonight's 15-6 slaughter of my Houston Astros at the hands of the Cincinnati Reds...

AP-BBN--Astros-Reds,0307
Reds extend HR surge, beat Astros 15-6
Eds: APNewsNow. Reds 15, Astros 6.
AP Photo CSB101, CSB108, CSB109, CSB102
By JOE KAY
AP Baseball Writer
CINCINNATI (AP) -- Drew Sutton hit his first grand slam, joining
one of the longest power surges in Cincinnati Reds history, and
LeCure went six innings to win his big-league debut, 15-6 over the
historically bad Houston Astros on Friday night...

Yeah, it's looking like it could be one of the worst seasons in the history of the franchise, but I don't think they're gonna threaten the 1962 Mets. Oh, and one more thing... apparently the Reds' rookie pitcher only has one name... Pele', Halston, LeCure. Well done, AP.

A Celebrity Sort-of Look-Alike, World Cup / NFL Mini Camp Edition

2010-05-28T16:55:00.007-05:00

Manchester United / English national team football star, Wayne Rooney...

and Houston Texans football funnyman, David Anderson...

Oh, this thing...

2010-05-28T16:53:00.002-05:00

Hey, blog! Um... kinda forgot about you there...

My apologies. I've been... uh... busy.

Ted's Friday Film Recommendation, 3/5... Now brought to you on Saturday more often than Friday

2010-03-06T13:02:00.002-06:00

Get off my ass... I've had a week's worth of going away festivities on my plate... anyway...

Think I'm gonna continue riding the Rita Hayworth wave started last week... let's go ahead and make it a double-feature too.

Gilda starring Rita Hayworth, Glenn Ford... for 16 years, the husband of the too-delightful-to-put-into-words actress/dancer, Eleanor Powell (1946, Columbia Pictures)

The Lady from Shanghai starring a blond Rita Hayworth, Orson Welles (1947, Columbia Pictures)

From "I Tripped Over the Ottoman"

2010-02-27T20:13:00.002-06:00

They call me Robert Petry and I live in New Rochelle
With my wife Laura and son Richie but now
My life's a living hell 'cause

I tripped over the ottoman
One too many times
I tripped over the ottoman
Until I lost my mind...

I was head writer for Alan Brady
Maybe you've seen his show
It's now funny and it makes my ears bleed
This week's guest star isn't Danny Thomas
Our special guest star is Death!

Ted's Friday Film Recommendation, 2/26... Once again a day late... get used to it

2010-02-27T18:04:00.003-06:00

I'm a big fan of song and dance films from Hollywood's so-called "Golden Age" (I'm tellin' you... I'm such a toughie!!!). These films are not wholly unlike pornography... silly storylines and pointless plots there merely to weave the "good stuff" ("performance numbers", if you will) together. Anyway, so I'm suggesting a delightful double feature showcasing the amazing talents of Fred Astaire and Rita Hayworth (sorry, T. T. Boy fans).

You'll Never Get Rich starring Fred Astaire, Rita Hayworth (1941, Columbia Pictures)

You Were Never Lovelier starring Fred Astaire, Rita Hayworth (1942, Columbia Pictures)

Ted's Friday Film Recommendation, 2/19

2010-02-19T18:33:00.002-06:00

Okay, today's recommendation is a film on films... well, a film studio, actually. We're gonna go with my favorite six hour long documentary on Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.

MGM: When the Lion Roars starring Patrick Stewart (host), a slew of fabulous MGM stock, both from films and behind-the-scenes footage... and several fascinating interviews (1992, Point Blank Productions)

Golden MySpace Classics... Texas' Citadel of Stupidity's Greatest Hits, Vol. 14

2010-02-13T15:24:00.004-06:00

Original post date: August 2, 2007 - Thursday

My trip to Amsterdam

Had a great time there when we went back in 2005. Though I'd post some pics.

Ted's Friday Film Recommendation, 2/12

2010-02-12T14:28:00.002-06:00

Another double-feature suggestion today... let's go with a pair of films showcasing Ian Curtis of Joy Division fame.

24 Hour Party People starring Steve Coogan, Andy Serkis (2002, Baby Cow Productions) and...

Control starring Sam Riley, Samantha Morton (2007, 3 Dogs and a Pony)

A day late... Ted's Friday Film Recommendation, 2/5

2010-02-06T12:14:00.002-06:00

We'll go with a double-feature highlighting one of my favorite actors, Joseph Cotten.

Duel in the Sun starring Joseph Cotten (duh), Gregory Peck and hot-ass Jennifer Jones (1948, Vanguard Films) and...

The Third Man starring Orson Welles, Trevor Howard and... JOSEPH COTTEN!!! (1949, London Film Productions)

Ted's Somewhat Unspoken Truths of Life

2010-02-06T12:08:00.002-06:00

Comedy writers? ALL nerdy little Jewish guys.

Clever, funny folks, those...

You know what would be fun? SOME MUSIC!

2010-01-31T13:07:00.001-06:00

Low's "Silver Rider"... suits the kind of mood I'm in today.

Ted's Friday Film Recommendation, 1/29

2010-01-29T14:16:00.002-06:00

Sweet Smell of Success starring Burt Lancaster, Tony Curtis (1957, Curtleigh Productions)

The cat's in the bag and the bag's in the river!

BONUS!!! Ted's Friday Song Recommendation: "Man, It's So Loud in Here" by They Might Be Giants

If I may be so bold as to borrow from Hunter S. Thompson...

2010-01-28T16:03:00.002-06:00

professional sports are a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.

Okay, so maybe, at least in this case, that's a bit extreme... and I realize these folks, like any other business enterprise, are in it to make money, but sheesh... here's that about which I'm currently rambling. The shameless money grab that is corporate sponsorship in pro sports... example: here is the first paragraph from a Houston Rockets press release on a roster move the club made today...

HOUSTON – Houston Rockets General Manager Daryl Morey announced today that the team has assigned guard Jermaine Taylor to Houston’s single-affiliation NBA D-League partner the Rio Grande Valley Vipers. In addition, the Rockets have signed Rio Grande Valley guard Will Conroy to a 10-day contract, marking Conroy’s fourth-career GATORADE Call-Up to the NBA.

And with that, it's official... about the only aspect of the world of big-dollar athletics that isn't sponsored these days is when the back-up point guard has to leave the bench to take a crap... that being said, the "Depends Dump of the Game" may just be right around the corner!

A Sort-of Look-Alike, State of the Union edition

2010-01-27T21:22:00.002-06:00

Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi...

and this thing, whatever the hell it is...

Ted's Friday Film Recommendation

2010-01-22T15:39:00.003-06:00

Gonna try something new for the .172 of you on average that view my crappy blog on a daily basis... a weekly recommended-viewing post, so be sure to tune-in every Friday for a cinematic suggestion (or two)... some of my favorite films, good AND bad!

We'll start with a double-feature from one of my favorite film sub-genres... HEROIN FLICKS!!!

Jesus' Son starring Billy Crudup, Samantha Morton (1999, Evenstar Films) and...

Permanent Midnight starring Ben Stiller (yes, he HAS actually made a good film), Elizabeth Hurley (1998, JD Productions)

Enjoy!

I swear to you all...

2010-01-21T20:24:00.002-06:00

I lose another 100 pounds and I'm gettin' myself an ensemble not wholly unlike the one worn by Simon LeBon in the video for "Rio"!

Hey, I'm thinking it's about time for a Celebrity Sort-of Look-Alike!

2010-01-15T14:37:00.005-06:00

New USC head coach and least likely candidate to win the Knoxville Chamber of Commerce 2010 Man of the Year, Lane Kiffin...

and comedian / Comedy Central personality (which is strange, as Comedy Central seemingly has nothing at all to do with anything that is funny), Daniel Tosh

From "Smokin' Banana Peels"

2010-01-12T14:33:00.000-06:00

Smokin' banana peels, see how it feels
Living is easy with ice cubes
The world is swimmin' with electric eels
Talk seriously to me brother
Smokin' banana peels, savin' the seals
There are four me's living all together
Got to keep an even keel
You've got to take life serially
Smokin' banana peels in between meals
I was all pumped up about the iron
Let's all pray get down and kneel

Time for the first Celebrity Sort-of Look-Alike of the new year!

2010-01-07T17:53:00.005-06:00

Former Padres and Giants left-handed starting pitcher (former left-handed anything, actually), Dave Dravecky...

and sassy film critic, Rex Reed

A discourse...

2010-01-04T12:15:00.004-06:00

on the matter of gastronomy...

CONCERNED FRIEND: Hey... did you get another haircut... or have you lost some weight?

ME: Yeah... I've been dieting rather seriously actually... thanks for noticing. I've taken off just under 75 pounds over the last three months.

CONCERNED FRIEND: No shit! Damn... that's awesome! You gotten back in the gym? What are you doing?

ME: I've been walking... done the exercise bike or stair-stepper a few times, but the weight loss has been all due to diet. I've been doing A, B and C.

CONCERNED FRIEND: Really? Well, you know what you should do... try doing X, Y and Z.

((LONG PAUSE))

ME: Well, I'm pretty happy with the way things have gone so far... another 20 or 30 pounds and I'm gonna try to start running again... that should help me take the weight off even more rapidly. We'll see how it goes.

CONCERNED FRIEND: (HAVING COMPLETELY IGNORED THE PREVIOUS STATEMENT) You know, if you do X, Y and Z... and you drink some black tea at 10:47 in the morning, then, some green tea at precisely 3:17 in the afternoon... and right before you go to bed, do three shots of tequila and follow that with a healthy blood-letting, man... that weight will start really coming off!

((LONGER PAUSE))

ME: I'll talk to you later.

So, here we are!!!

2010-01-01T11:40:00.001-06:00

It's 2010, kids!!!

Meh.

Golden MySpace Classics... Texas' Citadel of Stupidity's Greatest Hits, Vol. 13

2009-12-30T22:18:00.002-06:00

Original post date: May 26, 2007 - Saturday

Life? Don't talk to me about life.

The front door to his house swung open and the sullen man strode inside. The visage instantly familiar to most of us... this, however, was not the man we knew. This was not the dignified, even striking, iconic figure... proud to be the very embodiment of the sacred southern stereotype. This was a being defeated... distant and forlorn. He didn't even break stride as he entered his home, wheeling the door shut behind him carelessly with his left hand, the same hand in which was crumpled his previously pressed white coat, which he then simply let fall to the floor. Simultaneously, with a single finger of his right hand, manipulated in a manner something akin to a fish hook, he tugged uncomfortably at his signature string tie. With a gloomy gait and a face that strongly radiated pain despite a complete lack of expression, the gentleman made his way to the liquor cabinet. He grabbed a lowball glass, one very obviously crafted of fine crystal, and dropped a couple of ice cubes in... the procurement of ice being more gesture than genuine. No need to chew up precious volume needlessly with ice. He filled the glass, just a hair short of the rim, with his preferred brand of Kentucky bourbon and made his way to his favorite chair. He took his seat, slowly and deliberately. Despite the extraordinary comfort of his setting, the venerable old man was at disease. And as the broken soul raised the glass to his lips, eager for the first sweet sip of the only thing that brought him comfort anymore, Colonel Sanders muttered to himself, "God damn, fried chicken".

DEAR GOD... I CAN STILL SEE IT WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES!!!

2009-12-29T13:02:00.007-06:00

Don't ask how this got started... we were having a bit of a debate at the office yesterday as to which of these "music videos" is the most horrendous...

In what must be nothing short of sensory overload of joy of near orgasmic proportion for the discriminating nerd, Spock singing a song about hobbits and elves and gnomes... I think there's a line or two about The Hamburglar in there as well

And an attempt at a pop song by nine-time Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis... a performance that makes his rendition of the national anthem at Madison Square Garden look like Placido Domingo performing the aria "Nessun Dorma"

THE HORROR! THE HORROR! So, which of these ballads is the greater sucker of ass? Well, from my particular perspective, as a fellow University of Houston alumnus, I find that Carl Lewis' effort transcends mere stupefying dreadfulness and actually fills me with a feeling of personal embarrassment at having that small measure of association with him.

I gotta break 'cause my mother said be home by dizzark

2009-12-28T10:41:00.002-06:00

As the witches said, "Fair is foul and foul is fair." Well, some four hundred years after Shakespeare penned Macbeth, bad is now good and good... well, I guess good is still pretty much good. Anyway...

If one is to take the word in its literal sense, grant the term its intended import, I submit to you that there has never been a more aptly-named contrived musical act than the 1990's pre-pubescent R&B sextet Another Bad Creation.

We'll see ya at the playground kids, which, ironically enough, is where Michael Bivins is living these days, I believe.

And so it begins...

2009-12-26T22:20:00.006-06:00

"Alright... reverse gears!" A reference to one of my favorite moments from Bill Cosby's concert film Himself... a bit where he's ruminating about the human constitution's reaction to over-imbibing.

"Alright... reverse gears!" Also, a line I find wholly appropriate in describing the annual philosophical change in the collective American mindset that takes place every December 26th. Ah, the duplicity of the holiday season... the masks of comedy and tragedy as apt for this time of year as they are the theatre.

In a matter of 24 hours, the sweetness and serenity, peace and piety derived from the celebration of the birth of The Savior of Christendom gives way to deranged, drunken debauchery, washed away in a cascade of champagne and myriad other intoxicants, with lechery left to reign in the wave's wake.

And every year, it serves to make me sad. So, at this time of year, you can pop the cork on that bottle of Brut and grope the gal you just met 45 minutes ago, but I'll take the Baby Jesus over baby new year, thank you very much.

Ted's top five PE tracks featuring Flavor Flav on lead vocals

2009-12-20T19:17:00.002-06:00

Can't Do Nuttin' for Ya Man
Cold Lampin' With Flavor
Too Much Posse
Megablast
911 Is a Joke

Ted's Top Three Favorite Cover Songs

2009-12-17T22:15:00.002-06:00

#3: Alkaline Trio's cover of Berlin's "Metro"

#2: John Cale's cover of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah"

#1: Wilson Pickett's cover of The Beatles' "Hey Jude"

A Civil Servant Sort-Of Look-Alike

2009-12-15T13:10:00.005-06:00

The new mayor-elect of Houston, Annise Parker...

and the mayor of TV's South Park

I wonder...

2009-12-13T12:10:00.003-06:00

Now that Houston has become the largest U. S. city to elect an openly gay mayor, will all those big concert tours that always book Austin and Dallas, but routinely bypass our fair city, now start scheduling dates here?

I wonder...

In these oh so trying times...

2009-12-10T13:34:00.003-06:00

I think it would behoove us to look to the wisdom found in these words of Reverend Run: "'cause Calvin Klein is no friend of mine... Don't want nobody's name on my behind."

Just think about that for a moment... think about it.

UGH!

2009-12-06T13:34:00.002-06:00

Watching the Texans-Jags game... and thanks to the those profoundly stupid Levis ads, the sickeningly spirited iPod spots, the Southwest Airlines "Bags Fly Free" rap and the just plain irritating Amazon Kindle jingle, my advertisement annoyance factor (otherwise known as AAF) for the day is waaaaaaay off the chart.

I may have to hurt someone soon.

Greetings from "snowy" Houston, TX!

2009-12-04T11:38:00.003-06:00

Ted's Christmas Wish List

2009-11-28T21:40:00.004-06:00

A nice espresso maker
Playstation 3 with EA Sports FIFA 2010
A pony
Peace on Earth
Piece of fudge... and by "piece", I mean several pounds
For the New York Rangers to not suck balls
A really nice German nutcracker... and by "really nice", I mean something that costs no less than $125
The woman of my dreams
A house... gonna have to take care of that myself, I fear
A new job
A new car
A new liver
A membership to the "Gourd of the Month" club
A superpower... specifically, the ability to, at will, make people crap their pants
Anticipating that I won't get the woman of my dreams (damn it), a membership to the "Hooker of the Month" club
A cure for genital warts... for the good of all mankind, not for myself, mind you
The collected works of JK Rowling... that should make for a lovely bonfire... HEY, YOU... MY 47 YEAR OLD COWORKER... THE BOOKS ARE FOR KIDS, YOU MORON!!!
A return to college football prominence by the service academies
Jared Fogle's fat jockey shorts
Will Ferrell's head on a platter
To be able to drink as much beer as I care to without having to worry about it's devastating impact upon my weight
To be able to eat as much cheese as I care to without having to worry about it's devastating impact upon my weight
An iPod, I guess... I guess I should finally play technogadget catch-up
A street sweeper shotgun
A joyous and holy Christmas 2009... and for my family, friends and myself to all be happy and healthy for Christmas 2010

Perhaps I am a fool...

2009-11-28T14:14:00.002-06:00

and, Lord knows, I've been accused of being just that on an occasion or 312. That being said, I must confess that sometimes, it's a much more satisfying self-stroke of my ego (which is considerable) to leave it rather than take it.

Out with the old... in with the new...

2009-11-27T13:41:00.004-06:00

I previously showed off the "seasonal arrangement" I threw together to spruce up my desk at work...

Well, with Thanksgiving just passed, the Christmas / winter season is officially upon us, so I present to you my new "seasonal arrangement"...

Dope, huh? The desk reference set and ESPN mic flag are not actually part of the arrangement, by the way, just desk clutter.

Come on... really??? Another Celebrity Sort-Of Look-Alike!

2009-11-19T09:49:00.005-06:00

Quirky actor Rainn Wilson...

and storyteller and satirist Garrison Keillor

Yet another sign that Armageddon will soon be upon us...

2009-11-16T16:10:00.001-06:00

Yup.

Well, if you lose a piece, I guess you can sniff it out...

2009-11-02T16:08:00.004-06:00

I will readily admit to being a Yankee Candle foof to the point of being ridiculous, but, in my opinion, THIS stinks of being a sign of the Apocalypse...

Yes, Yankee Candle SCENTED PUZZLES!!!

From "The Badger Song"

2009-10-17T01:16:00.002-05:00

Out in the woods
Up to no good
I wanna make friends with the badger

The woodchuck likes me
We smoke PCP
I wanna make friends with the badger
I mean it!
I wanna make friends with the badger
For real!
I wanna make friends with the
Wanna make friends with the
Wanna make friends with the badger

Get drunk with owls
Drop acid with cows
I wanna make friends with the badger

Golden MySpace Classics... Texas' Citadel of Stupidity's Greatest Hits, Vol. 12

2009-10-13T21:26:00.003-05:00

Original post date: June 20, 2007 - Wednesday

The streets will flow red with the blood of the poor bastards I happen upon!

Certain things make me want to indiscriminately murder random people. Some of them are:

--Those Dr. Scholl's "I'm gellin'" commercials

--Listening to/watching Stuart Scott

--Strawberry milk

--ANY mention of Paris F'ing Hilton (may she be shanked in jail)

--News managers

--The "music" of Dave Matthews Band

--The voices in my head... WHEN they insist on reciting the poetry of Ogden Nash

--People who insist on talking endlessly about how their golf game is these days

--When people repeatedly make the quotation marks gesture with their fingers

--Ill-tempered Chihuahuas that tremble and bark incessantly (actually, that makes me want to murder the dog)

--Automaker advertisements that use a six second snippet of a popular song that happens to be applicable to their product and loop it over and over AND OVER AGAIN

--When athletes insist that "it's not about the money" (okay, that makes me want to murder the athlete's agent)

--Having to suffer the company of Kentuckians

--Mixed drinks in which Red Bull is used as a mixer

--When drive-thru attendants screw up my order, regardless of how simple it is or how hard I tried to clearly articulate it, because, quite frankly, they just don't give a shit.

For the love of God...

2009-10-10T21:43:00.002-05:00

has it really come to this??? We live in a country, a world where THIS is newsworthy?!?!?

Miley Cyrus Offers Hip-Hop Kiss-Off To Twitter

Miley Cyrus (and don't think for a moment that I don't deeply rue and lament the fact that I even know who this person is) has made a rap video to explain why she has deleted her Twitter account... and posted said video to YouTube.

Lord, just go ahead and hit us with Armageddon, please!

With LSU and Florida facing off this weekend...

2009-10-09T22:24:00.007-05:00

I thought now would be as an appropriate a time as any to bring up this...

Yes, that is State of Texas-issued, collegiate custom license plate for LOUISIANA STATE UNIVERSITY... available NOW on the TxDOT website! I realize our state is overrun with LSU alumni (and exponentially more people who went there for a semester before, due to academic and/or criminal concerns, being invited to leave)... and that about 90% of LSU's two-deep roster is comprised of Texas high school football talent, but STILL... this just seems weird to me.

BRING IT BACK!!!

2009-10-05T14:20:00.003-05:00

I'm not what one might consider "much into" activism... perhaps I've had too easy, too comfortable a life... whatever, I apologize for nothing. Anyway, back on point (wow, I managed to derail myself in the very first sentence)... I am seriously considering stirring up some manner of grass-roots campaign (or perhaps something more "persuasive") to petition Kraft Foods to bring back the very best product they've ever produced, a product they inexplicably ceased manufacturing back in 2008... the garlic cheese roll...

I want my garlic cheese-stuffed dill pickles, damn it, and I'm not above using violent means to get them!

Okay, I guess you'd call this a sort-of Celebrity Sort-Of Look-Alike

2009-09-24T01:57:00.005-05:00

This one involves a historical figure and an inanimate object...

Joseph Merrick, the so-called elephant man...

...and this gourd.

Okay, I sincerely apologize for this one.

Adieu, summertime!!!

2009-09-22T17:19:00.003-05:00

I just put together this festive arrangement... I will be placing it on my desk at work tomorrow. It's my way of welcoming my favorite time of year, fall/winter (which, come December in Houston, means an invigorating chill in the 75 degree air)... it also means my coworkers will have yet another example of "less-than-hetero" behavior on my part with which to have fun.

Ummm...

2009-09-16T22:15:00.003-05:00

Proudly Bringing Houston the Finest and Runniest Foods the World has to Offer for over 25 Years

"In the interest of full disclosure" is not a concept that serves my best interests well...

2009-09-08T20:31:00.002-05:00

Maybe I should remove the part about it burning when I pee from my eHarmony personality profile.

"Are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses?" --Ebenezer Scrooge

2009-08-24T19:28:00.003-05:00

With each passing day, I find myself increasingly convinced that the further we travel down this road of bailouts and "toxic asset" relief, the more and more likely we are to arrive at a destination with droves of the American citizenry being sent to some sort of Dickensian debtors prison...

I'm just sayin'.

I think I'll seek a second opinion

2009-08-20T18:03:00.003-05:00

So, I took my mom to an MRI / diagnostic facility this morning to have a couple of procedures performed. Upon signing in, she was asked to fill out some paperwork, including a recent medical history form. Here is one of the questions (fourth line down) from said form...

Ummm... mom made it through her visit without any complications, but after seeing this, I'm ain't so sure I would've has been comforble with them people poking on me.

Southern Yummies!

2009-08-13T18:17:00.001-05:00

Garlic cheese grits, topped with a soft-boiled egg! :-)

John 3:16

2009-08-06T23:19:00.002-05:00

With filmmaker John Hughes having died unexpectedly today, a friend/coworker/contemporary of mine, John C., and I were chatting about him... and the many films he made that were and will always be significant to those of us that grew up in the '80's. My friend John made the point that John Hughes is our generation's John Ford... a pretty valid point, I thought. Of course, John Ford was known for his many collaborations with John Wayne. In reflecting upon John Hughes, it occurred to me that he featured John Candy in many of his films... so, as we consider John Hughes as our generation's John Ford, as my friend John asserted, it would follow that John Candy was John Hughes' John Wayne.

It eventually dawned on me that I was dealing with a lot of Johns (insert hooker joke here).

The long-awaited, eagerly-anticipated return of Ted's awful, awful Haiku

2009-08-02T17:23:00.003-05:00

Into the abyss
Of insecurity, dread
Fear and fright... Dating

Duck, duck, GOOSE... duck, duck
What a stupid, stupid game
Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck...

Tapioca, ma'am?
Just being nice... so why'd she
Kick me in the balls?

House is empty now
Not a home with such a void
We drank all the beer

From "Peter Bazooka"

2009-07-31T18:30:00.002-05:00

Tuesday - yes, it was Tuesday
When I saw my congressman coming out of the titty bar
He didn't look like my congressman, but that's okay
Nobody really looks like themselves anymore
I think its got something to do with that crap
They've been pouring into the water
I decided it might be wise to follow the congressman
Just to see what he was up to.
After all, my tax dollars do pay his salary.
The congressman got into a taxi, so I hailed a taxi
Despite the obvious dangers involved
And the colored voices in my head began to sing:

All I gotta do is put my ear to the wall
And I can hear it all, yes I can hear it all
All I gotta do is put my ear to the wall
And I can even hear the little insects crawl

And so it begins...

2009-07-31T13:05:00.001-05:00

Texans training camp kicked off this morning...

Friends, family... I'll see you guys in January. :-(

"A man content to go to Heaven alone will never go to Heaven." --Boethius

2009-07-29T18:37:00.005-05:00

Well, shit... If that's the case, I guess I should brace myself for a rather warm eternity.

According to yet another wacky list of "The Best..." such and such from the fine folks at Forbes.com, Houston is the nation's 25th best city for singles. Alas, in this capacity, we apparently find ourselves the inferior of such romantic locales as Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Providence, Cleveland and Milwaukee. So... I guess I could actually get a date were I to move to Rhode Island?

Well, shit...

Golden MySpace Classics... Texas' Citadel of Stupidity's Greatest Hits, Vol. 11

2009-07-25T13:22:00.002-05:00

Original post date: October 16, 2007 - Tuesday

There is a French proverb that says...

..."no one is so generous as he who has nothing to give".

So, a couple of weeks ago I'm on the bus, heading into town to have my bikini zone tidied up, just like I do the first Tuesday of every warm, sunny month... and as usual, I've brought along one of those little "rainy day" projects that you normally do around the house... nothing of earth-shattering importance, just one of those mundane little tasks you've been meaning to get done for longer than you care to admit. Provided it's not too complicated, a trek of any duration aboard public transportation is a great opportunity to complete, or at least put a dent in, such assiduous little chores! Besides, I'm the squirrelly type anyway... I need something to occupy my attention. Anyway, so there I am on the bus...

Despite making a point to busy myself, I had taken notice of the guy that had taken a seat across from me when he first boarded our common conveyance, probably three or four stops after I had. Beyond the fact that he was the only other passenger on the bus, the first thing that struck me about him was that he was dressed in quite a few layers for such a warm day. He even seemed to be huddling for warmth as he enveloped himself in his long topcoat. He was well-groomed, but overtly nervous, in such a way that made it seem that he might be experiencing some sort of physical withdrawal... this made him appear somewhat haggard to me, despite his manicuring. Though I had allocated enough of my attention to him to fashion such observations, I failed to pay him much heed beyond that as I refocused myself upon the tedium at hand. Almost immediately thereafter, though I was now aware of his presence, he was as much on my mind as he had been before he hopped on the bus... and it continued to be that way... until he spoke to me.

It may have been two minutes... it may have been twenty, so engrossed was I with my mindless little job that I had no clue how long he had been sitting across the aisle, facing me. His first words were almost jarring as they snapped me out of my trance-like state of occupation. I looked up to see him still seated, but leaning forward towards me, in an effort to lesson the distance between us, both physically and personally, it occurs to me now. He spoke quietly, pain reverberating in his soft, desperate voice.

"Hey, buddy... I hate to bother you like this, but could you please lend me a quarter?" he asked sheepishly.

I just stared back at him... silent.

"C'mon man... I really hate to be a pain in the ass," he said as he began to plead, "I really gotta make a phone call and there's a payphone at this next stop. You look like a good guy... hows about helping me out?"

"I don't have a quarter," I replied, surprising myself with the coldness and emotional distance with which I engaged the obviously tormented individual.

"Don't have a quarter???" he shrieked, his visage taking on a rather maniacal quality, "What the hell do you mean you don't have a quarter??? Come on, man... please just give me a quarter and I'll leave you alone. I promise!"

I continued to look back at him, expressionless. "Look... I'd like to help you out. I really would. I just don't have a quarter."

At this point, he shot out of his seat. "Well, fuck you then, you jackass! What the hell is wrong with you anyway?" he screamed, flailing his limbs about. "People like you... don't give a shit about..."

He never finished his harangue... before he could, I lunged at him and stuck him flush on his jaw with my right fist. He dropped to the floor and lay there motionless.

Maybe I feared for my well-being and let a rush of adrenaline get the best of me... I don't really know why I did it. For several moments, I stood over the unconscious heap at my feet. I knew he was still alive as I could see his torso expand and contract as he drew breath normally. Despite the ferocity of my punch, he didn't even seem to be bleeding.

I took a deep breath and exhaled as I looked up at the bus' graffiti-covered ceiling. Convinced that this poor soul was not in need of immediate medical attention, I sat back down and resumed rolling my quarters.

Today...

2009-07-25T13:01:00.002-05:00

I think I'll partake in an invigorating 45 minute session of Tai Chi... and then cool down with a smart, refreshing iced Chai tea.

No.

Here's a weird one...

2009-07-22T21:09:00.002-05:00

Indulging in some good old fashioned time-wasting... I'm looking at aerial images of my hometown (the lovely metropoils of Katy, Texas) on Google Maps. I scoot over from my folks' house to a bird's-eye view (if the bird were flying really, really high in the sky) of Jack F. Rhodes Stadium, home of the six-time Texas state football champion mighty Katy Tigers... anyway, here is said map, showing Rhodes Stadium... the facility is incorrectly indentified, in a most amusing way...

View Larger Map

Yes, Enron Field... once the nomenclature of the Astros' home ballpark, before, of course, all the corporate corruption wackiness. I wonder how in the world a high school football stadium 35 miles from downtown Houston would be misindentified in such a way.

For what it's worth... Google Maps DOES have the Astros' ballpark correctly identified as Minute Maid Park.

Ted's Soft Taco Bar

2009-07-20T20:11:00.005-05:00

This is actually from a couple of weeks back... been meaning to post it, but (obviously) just getting around to it. Took some lovely home grown peppers from the garden... red and green serranos (seeded and chopped), a big, green bell pepper (ditto)... gave 'em a sweat in a skillet with some chopped sweet yellow onion... after they cooked down a bit, threw in some Morningstar Farms Meal Starter Crumbles (beef substitute) and seasoning... got my flour tortillas, lettuce, chopped tomato, sour cream and some lovely, crumbly La Vaquita queso fresco Mexicano... voila... soft taco bar!!!

Shit was good!

It just doesn't even begin to work...

2009-07-19T22:20:00.002-05:00

I'm a big Lou Reed fan, and I love this song, but I have to say... as far as "unique" duets go, this is one of the very worst I can recall...

I have to admit...

2009-07-17T18:12:00.005-05:00

So, I'm at work today, wearing one of my favorite shirts... one that I rarely bring out... please see below...

Anyway, a coworker comes up to me and asks me, "Um... did a peacock throw up on you?"

Gotta give him credit... it was pretty funny.

Ted's Choice for the Single-Best Simpsons Line Ever

2009-07-15T21:04:00.003-05:00

The second episode of season seven (Sept. '95) titled "Radioactive Man"... courtesy of Rainier Wolfcastle, as he is washed away by a raging torrent of acid: My eyes... the goggles do nothing!!!

Whimsical Personifications for All!!!

2009-06-19T22:45:00.004-05:00

Christmas has Santa Claus (oh... and Jesus, too)... Easter has the Easter Bunny (oh... and Jesus, too)... Martin Luther King, Jr Day has Martin Luther King, Jr... Halloween has Joy Behar... These beloved events all have their symbols, lifelike beings that embody the occasions... and often transcend the holidays themselves. But what of Labor Day... what of Chanukah??? Feeling that these other worthy holidays should not be further neglected, should not have to go without, I've decided to give them their due... and provide each with a figure to personify the celebration...

Chanukah: Menorah Maury
Labor Day: The reanimated Jimmy Hoffa
Earth Day: Granola Bill, the filthy, unkempt hippie
April Fools Day: The disemboweled corpse of Will Ferrell
Fathers' Day: Shawn Kemp
Thanksgiving Day: Takeru Kobayashi
New Year's Day: Hungover Joey, the extraordinarily light-sensitive puking machine
St. Valentine's Day: Shawn Kemp

Enjoying a Bountiful Harvest!

2009-06-18T14:57:00.004-05:00

So, a couple of my serrano peppers had taken on a nice blush... they were picked and given another day, getting nice and red over that duration. I seeded them and chopped them up, along with some sweet yellow onion, and gave the peppers and onions a nice sweat in a pan. While cooking those down, I beat three eggs with some shredded cheese, half-and-half, minced garlic, chopped tomato, S&P and some freshly picked Italian parsley... got the egg mixture in the pan and scrambled them up with the peppers and onions. Served them with a toasted bagel and cream cheese.

Nothing particularly impressive, I know... it's just cool making a meal from food you've grown yourself... and it was quite good!

Ode to a Goat

2009-06-15T21:56:00.002-05:00

Helloooooooo, goat...
Hello furry little beard
Graze... shit... faint...
Picky eater, you ain't
Love the chevre though

What the world needs now...

2009-06-12T18:20:00.003-05:00

is an exciting and new (and by that, I mean awful and inappropriate) children's show host... here are a few suggestions...

Timothy "Red" Tinkles (has a terrible bladder infection)
Cowboy Bob and his sidekick Tumbleweed (unapologetic anti-Semites)
Infectious Chet (duh)
Al Gore
Bobby the Badger (rabid)
Paris Hilton (ditto)
Li'l Jamaal (L.A. Crip)
Bozo the Clown (the original... in his current condition)
Adolf and Heinrich (too sugary)
Bus Depot Jim (hygiene issues)
Sparky Sal (encourages children to stick items in electrical outlets)

And last, but not least... say it with me, everybody...

Michael Jackson

Were I forced to choose between the two...

2009-06-05T15:19:00.005-05:00

I would, after much agonizing, have to go with Pucky the Whale...

over Fudgy the Whale...

Happy birthday...

2009-06-04T18:45:00.001-05:00

TO ME!!!

For no reason in particular...

2009-05-31T18:23:00.000-05:00

BEZ DANCE!!!

FEAR THE PHALANX OF GUMMI!!!

2009-05-30T20:42:00.002-05:00

I love me some cultures!

2009-05-27T18:49:00.001-05:00

I enjoy yogurt... I enjoy it a great deal. That being established, I've noticed that ALL yogurt advertising is geared towards women. The more I think about it, I can't recall ever even seeing a male in any capacity in yogurt-related promotions. Come on... it's yogurt, not douche, for God's sake.

Oh, well... guess this is yet another matter over which I will develop some sort of unhealthy complex.

I like Mates of State

2009-05-24T20:28:00.001-05:00

Such a disappointment...

2009-05-21T22:32:00.004-05:00

Tyler Perry does a cameo in the new Star Trek film... and DOESN'T wear a fat suit.

Tsk, tsk, Tyler... you should dance with who brung ya!

Golden MySpace Classics... Texas' Citadel of Stupidity's Greatest Hits, Vol. 10

2009-05-20T22:40:00.002-05:00

Original post date: July 14, 2007 - Saturday

Do you ever have those days...

...where, for whatever reason... usually something you can't really place your finger on, you just feel pretty? Well, I don't. Now don't get me wrong... I fancy myself quite the lovely specimen of humanity... but pretty?

How to remedy this? Perhaps if I shaved more frequently than seven times a year... maybe a nice designer fragrance...

Eh, f*ck it... too damn much work.

AVAILABLE TODAY ON DVD!!!

2009-05-19T23:56:00.001-05:00

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus starring Lorenzo Lamas and Deborah Gibson

Dear God, no! Another Sort-Of Celebrity Look-Alike!!!

2009-05-17T15:18:00.005-05:00

Los Angeles Lakers young center, Andrew Bynum...

and Mykelti Williamson's "Bubba" character from Forrest Gump

For God's sake...

2009-05-13T20:44:00.002-05:00

This is an item transcribed from a recent local newscast...

HERE'S ANOTHER REASON WHY KIDS SHOULD SLIM DOWN... A NEW STUDY SAYS OBESE CHILDREN AND TEENS ARE AT GREATER RISK FOR ALLERGIES -- ESPECIALLY FOOD-RELATED ONES. THAT'S COMPARED TO THEIR NORMAL-WEIGHT PEERS. WHILE RESEARCHERS SAY THERE'S LITTLE DOUBT OF A LINK BETWEEN THE OBESITY AND ALLERGIES, THERE IS NO EVIDENCE YET THAT PROVES ONE ACTUALLY CAUSES THE OTHER. STUDY AUTHORS HOPE THE FINDINGS PROVIDE ADDED MOTIVATION FOR TACKLING THE CHALLENGE OF REDUCING CHILDHOOD OBESITY.

Really? REALLY???

Yes, either the worst study ever OR the worst news writing ever.

GOD BLESS YOU, DON CHERRY!!!

2009-05-08T23:55:00.004-05:00

FREAKING BEAUTIFUL!!!

Religious Vanity Plates!!!

2009-05-06T23:04:00.002-05:00

THAT IS ONE FABULOUS MOHEL!!!

Is it just me...

2009-05-02T19:14:00.009-05:00

...or do Bret Baier of Fox News Channel...

...and Rob McElhenney of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia kind of resemble characters from Rankin/Bass holiday productions???

Hmmmmmmmmmmm???

Ted's Favorite Hockey Injuries!

2009-05-02T15:43:00.007-05:00

This is the aftermath of a sharp skate blade across the face... In November, 1986, Toronto Maple Leafs defenseman Borje Salming suffered this injury in a game against the Detroit Red Wings... piecing the Swedish star's face back together required over 200 stitches

March, 1989... Buffalo Sabres goaltender Clint Malarchuk was involved in a collision with Steve Tuttle of the St. Louis Blues... Tuttle's skate caught Malarchuk's neck and severed his carotid artery (another fun angle!!!), resulting in a severe loss of blood... fortunately for Malarchuk, the Sabres' athletic trainer, Jim Pizzutelli, was a former army medic and was able to pinch the artery, cutting off the bleeding and saving Malarchuk's life

Finally... this isn't one particular injury, but rather a snapshot of a hall of fame career... Terry Sawchuk, a goaltender who suited up for five NHL franchises but is best remembered for his days with Detroit, played over ten years without any sort of facial protection... the result being more than 600 stitches and a distinct visage for Sawchuk (who died in 1970 at the age at 40 from injuries incurred in a fight with New York Rangers teammate Ron Stewart... Stewart was never charged with any crime)

I was watching "Posse" on AMC earlier today...

2009-05-02T13:53:00.002-05:00

and it was quite sad seeing so many from the film that are no longer with us... Nipsey Russell, Isaac Hayes... the careers of Mario Van Peebles, Stephen Baldwin, Blair Underwood, Billy Zane, Pam Grier, Big Daddy Kane, Tone Loc...

So, the NBA playoffs are here...

2009-04-18T21:14:00.004-05:00

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNN!

Time to pass the torch

2009-04-17T22:20:00.002-05:00

Now that John Madden has decided to hang it up as an NFL analyst, I think it's also time for him to consider passing the billion-dollar EA Sports video game franchise, Madden NFL, into a current analyst's capable hands. I'd love to see Solomon Wilcots NFL 2010!

From "Beach Party Vietnam"

2009-04-17T20:58:00.002-05:00

It's a beach party Vietnam
Surfin' with the Viet Cong
Cookin' hot dogs with napalm
A beach party Vietnam

Frankie and Annette were
Layin' on the sand
When Frank got a letter
From his Uncle Sam
It said: Get Moon Dog and
All your friends
You're all invited to a...

Beach party Vietnam
Surfin' with the Viet Cong
Cookin' hot dogs with napalm
A beach party Vietnam

- Hey Frankie, aren't you gonna give me youur class ring?
- Oh I'm afraid I can't do that, Annette
- Why not?
- 'Cause I don't have any arms! (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!)

Ummmmmmmmm...

2009-04-16T18:44:00.007-05:00

From your friends at Eternal Image (a division of Wham-O, if I'm not mistaken), "Precious Moments" urns and caskets.

Death (hey, do moments get any more precious than death?) has never been soooooooooo cute!!!

I'm sorry, but...

2009-04-15T18:14:00.003-05:00

I don't think Jackie Robinson would be particularly fond of every single player in uniform in every game played today (the 62nd anniversary of his breaking Major league Baseball's "color barrier") wearing number 42... in his honor. I've read quite a bit about the man... I just feel he might find such a gesture way over the top.

Now, a mock court martial in his memory...

Golden MySpace Classics... Texas' Citadel of Stupidity's Greatest Hits, Vol. 9

2009-04-15T16:08:00.002-05:00

Original post date: June 26, 2007 - Tuesday

Some of Ted's Favorite Quotes... ENJOY!

"It is better to be feared than loved, if one cannot be both." --Niccolo Machiavelli

"The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs." --Charles de Gaulle

"Work is the curse of the drinking class." --Oscar Wilde

"The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled." --Plutarch

"Those who hate you don't win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself." --Richard M. Nixon

"What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others." --Pericles

"Some people are dumb." --Butt-head

"All of us might wish at times that we lived in a more tranquil world, but we don't. And if our times are difficult and perplexing, so are they challenging and filled with opportunity." --Robert F. Kennedy

"Mmmmmmmm... beeeeer." --Homer Simpson

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." --Carl Jung

"When we went back to the dressing room after the game, that parrot was dead." --Archie Manning

"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum." --Nada (played by Roddy Piper) in They Live

PROFOUND!!!

Veggie Sliders!

2009-04-14T21:03:00.004-05:00

Portobello mushrooms, sweet yellow onion, red, green and yellow bell peppers and poblano peppers hickory grilled and served on grill-toasted rolls with provolone and spicy mayo...

Turned out pretty well... nice smoky / sweet combo!

They say,

2009-04-14T13:15:00.002-05:00

"You can't have your cake and eat it too." If "have your cake" implies that one would make love to their cake before eating it, this is probably a good thing.