In the year of Our Lord, 2011...

I resolve to:

• exercise moderation in the pursuit of all things, particularly the quality of being moderate
• give a Dutch oven to a Dutch girl
• eat less cheese / destroy fewer commodes
• give without any thought of reciprocity, especially in instances of ass-kickings and STDs
• not rage violently about things such as cyclists, democrats, the New York Rangers, Texas' sodomy laws, the Amish, the lack of good bagel shops in Houston, my ever-increasing volume of ear hair, etc...
• see at least five films in theatrical release (the gauntlet is thrown... bring it on, Hollywood)
• make every effort as one man to bring parachute pants back into style
• be less overtly gassy in the company of friends and family (NEVER gonna happen)
• write more
• put more effort into grooming myself
• put more effort into grooming my dog
• put more effort into grooming the lawn
• put more effort into becoming a groom (grooming myself will hopefully help towards this end)
• be a bigger bad ass than I was in 2010 (a tall order, indeed)
• be more resolute

Decisions... decisions...

Two messages in my Yahoo! email Spam folder, one with the subject "Asian Singles" and the other slugged "Sexy Single Asians"... obviously, either of the two, when pursued, will occupy my time fully, so I can choose but one, BUT WHICH ONE SHOULD I CHOOSE??? I really don't need to be forced into that kind of under-the-gun decision making right now... honestly.

And so it begins...

"Alright... reverse gears!" A reference to one of my favorite moments from Bill Cosby's concert film Himself... a bit where he's ruminating about the human constitution's reaction to over-imbibing.

"Alright... reverse gears!" Also, a line I find wholly appropriate in describing the annual philosophical change in the collective American mindset that takes place every December 26th. Ah, the duplicity of the holiday season... the masks of comedy and tragedy as apt for this time of year as they are the theatre.

In a matter of 24 hours, the sweetness and serenity, peace and piety derived from the celebration of the birth of The Savior of Christendom gives way to deranged, drunken debauchery, washed away in a cascade of champagne and myriad other intoxicants, with lechery left to reign in the wave's wake.

And every year, it serves to make me sad. So, at this time of year, you can pop the cork on that bottle of Brut and grope the gal you just met 45 minutes ago, but I'll take the Baby Jesus over baby new year, thank you very much.

Perhaps I am a fool...

and, Lord knows, I've been accused of being just that on an occasion or 312. That being said, I must confess that sometimes, it's a much more satisfying self-stroke of my ego (which is considerable) to leave it rather than take it.

"In the interest of full disclosure" is not a concept that serves my best interests well...

Maybe I should remove the part about it burning when I pee from my eHarmony personality profile.

"A man content to go to Heaven alone will never go to Heaven." --Boethius

Well, shit... If that's the case, I guess I should brace myself for a rather warm eternity.

According to yet another wacky list of "The Best..." such and such from the fine folks at Forbes.com, Houston is the nation's 25th best city for singles. Alas, in this capacity, we apparently find ourselves the inferior of such romantic locales as Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Providence, Cleveland and Milwaukee. So... I guess I could actually get a date were I to move to Rhode Island?

Well, shit...

They say,

"You can't have your cake and eat it too." If "have your cake" implies that one would make love to their cake before eating it, this is probably a good thing.

Go Go, Galactic Nookie!

Watching the History Channel tonight, I took in The Universe: Sex in Space. As you may have already extrapolated from the episode title, it addressed man's future beyond the earth and how human intimacy may manifest itself in a weightless environment... a gentleman at the broadcast's conclusion synopsized things nicely, saying, "Wherever mankind goes, sex will follow." (Obviously, he's never been to my place... aw, I just made myself sad) Anyway, it's certainly an interesting topic, and one, as was a great part of the program's point, that has yet to be properly probed (uh-huh-huh... probed!) The show was handled tactfully, but, as I have already made apparent by my previous comment, I intend to take it upon myself to approach the matter in an exponentially less mature manner... I have questions to which I need answers, so might as well get started!

• Will space condoms be effective in preventing the spread of space syphilis, space gonorrhea, space chlamydia (AKA, the cosmic clap), space herpes, space HIV/ AIDS and other stellar sexually transmitted diseases?
• Will our moon colonies have legalized prostitution?
• The big Mars Mission ship... will it provide an accommodating climate for the raunchy romps and escapades upon which the sex-starved teens on board are bound to embark?
• Will Mormon astronauts be allowed to practice polygamy?
• How will we address the controversial issue of inter-interplanetary species marriage?
• Do they intend to install a capsule for "swinging" on the international space station?
• Insert you own "Uranus" joke here
• And lastly, since we'll be dealing with zero-Gs here, how in the world do we "fluid-proof" everything?

Godspeed, Ron Jeremy!!!

Happy St. Valentine's Day!

I'll be enjoying yet another Valentine's Day in traditional Ted-style... getting off work, going home to a frozen pizza, self-loathing and a sock... but perhaps I've said too much.

Ah, love is in the air.

"Power is a great aphrodisiac"

That quote from Nobel Peace Prize winner and former head of the U.S. Department of State under two presidents, Henry Kissinger. It was a statement made by the diplomat extraordinaire in respect to his notoriety as a "ladies' man". As you can see, Mr. Kissinger, while a brilliant man of great influence, doesn't exactly embody the contemporary concept of physical fairness.



My contemplation of Mr. Kissinger's "way with the women", and his subsequent assertion as to the reasons for this, led me to look further into some of history's other noted "Casanovas"...




Benjamin Franklin




Albert Einstein

Calvert DeForest aka Larry "Bud" Melman

"The Elephant Man", Joseph Merrick

Chewbacca

Meatwad

Shit... I got nothin'.

"Sex is an emotion in motion." -Mae West

Despite the recent economic downturn, and a subsequent dismal holiday season for America's retailers, the video game market continues to boom... and the Nintendo Wii is a huge part of this surge in sales. Especially popular this Christmas, the Wii Fit... a platform that further ramps up the virtual / interactive gaming experience... the latest step in the process of further immersing the gamer into the game. As I contemplate how this computerized course continues forth, my sick mind begins to wonder... how far removed are we from the roll-out of the Wii Kama Sutra mat? I eagerly await the sort of fanfare that will surround the debut of this inevitable, initial mainstream foray into the realm of "sensual gaming"!