In the year of Our Lord, 2011...

I resolve to:

• exercise moderation in the pursuit of all things, particularly the quality of being moderate
• give a Dutch oven to a Dutch girl
• eat less cheese / destroy fewer commodes
• give without any thought of reciprocity, especially in instances of ass-kickings and STDs
• not rage violently about things such as cyclists, democrats, the New York Rangers, Texas' sodomy laws, the Amish, the lack of good bagel shops in Houston, my ever-increasing volume of ear hair, etc...
• see at least five films in theatrical release (the gauntlet is thrown... bring it on, Hollywood)
• make every effort as one man to bring parachute pants back into style
• be less overtly gassy in the company of friends and family (NEVER gonna happen)
• write more
• put more effort into grooming myself
• put more effort into grooming my dog
• put more effort into grooming the lawn
• put more effort into becoming a groom (grooming myself will hopefully help towards this end)
• be a bigger bad ass than I was in 2010 (a tall order, indeed)
• be more resolute

Celebrity Sort-of Look-Alike: Hall & Oates / Cartoon Edition

Keenly-coiffured Daryl Hall...

...and the character I've more or less emulated in every way (especially the not scoring aspect) since 1993, Beavis.

The man who took the baton from Art Garfunkel... and then passed it to Andrew Ridgeley, the magnificently-mustachioed John Oates...

...and long, lost "Garfield" character, Lyman.

Thank you, Associated Press... A-holes!!!

Okay... here's the AP recap on tonight's 15-6 slaughter of my Houston Astros at the hands of the Cincinnati Reds...

AP-BBN--Astros-Reds,0307
Reds extend HR surge, beat Astros 15-6
Eds: APNewsNow. Reds 15, Astros 6.
AP Photo CSB101, CSB108, CSB109, CSB102
By JOE KAY
AP Baseball Writer
CINCINNATI (AP) -- Drew Sutton hit his first grand slam, joining
one of the longest power surges in Cincinnati Reds history, and
LeCure went six innings to win his big-league debut, 15-6 over the
historically bad Houston Astros on Friday night...

Yeah, it's looking like it could be one of the worst seasons in the history of the franchise, but I don't think they're gonna threaten the 1962 Mets. Oh, and one more thing... apparently the Reds' rookie pitcher only has one name... Pele', Halston, LeCure. Well done, AP.

Ted's Friday Film Recommendation, 3/5... Now brought to you on Saturday more often than Friday

Get off my ass... I've had a week's worth of going away festivities on my plate... anyway...

Think I'm gonna continue riding the Rita Hayworth wave started last week... let's go ahead and make it a double-feature too.

Gilda starring Rita Hayworth, Glenn Ford... for 16 years, the husband of the too-delightful-to-put-into-words actress/dancer, Eleanor Powell (1946, Columbia Pictures)

The Lady from Shanghai starring a blond Rita Hayworth, Orson Welles (1947, Columbia Pictures)

Ted's Friday Film Recommendation, 2/26... Once again a day late... get used to it

I'm a big fan of song and dance films from Hollywood's so-called "Golden Age" (I'm tellin' you... I'm such a toughie!!!). These films are not wholly unlike pornography... silly storylines and pointless plots there merely to weave the "good stuff" ("performance numbers", if you will) together. Anyway, so I'm suggesting a delightful double feature showcasing the amazing talents of Fred Astaire and Rita Hayworth (sorry, T. T. Boy fans).

You'll Never Get Rich starring Fred Astaire, Rita Hayworth (1941, Columbia Pictures)

You Were Never Lovelier starring Fred Astaire, Rita Hayworth (1942, Columbia Pictures)

Ted's Friday Film Recommendation, 2/19

Okay, today's recommendation is a film on films... well, a film studio, actually. We're gonna go with my favorite six hour long documentary on Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.

MGM: When the Lion Roars starring Patrick Stewart (host), a slew of fabulous MGM stock, both from films and behind-the-scenes footage... and several fascinating interviews (1992, Point Blank Productions)

Ted's Friday Film Recommendation, 2/12

Another double-feature suggestion today... let's go with a pair of films showcasing Ian Curtis of Joy Division fame.

24 Hour Party People starring Steve Coogan, Andy Serkis (2002, Baby Cow Productions) and...

Control starring Sam Riley, Samantha Morton (2007, 3 Dogs and a Pony)

A day late... Ted's Friday Film Recommendation, 2/5

We'll go with a double-feature highlighting one of my favorite actors, Joseph Cotten.

Duel in the Sun starring Joseph Cotten (duh), Gregory Peck and hot-ass Jennifer Jones (1948, Vanguard Films) and...

The Third Man starring Orson Welles, Trevor Howard and... JOSEPH COTTEN!!! (1949, London Film Productions)

Ted's Friday Film Recommendation, 1/29

Sweet Smell of Success starring Burt Lancaster, Tony Curtis (1957, Curtleigh Productions)

The cat's in the bag and the bag's in the river!

BONUS!!! Ted's Friday Song Recommendation: "Man, It's So Loud in Here" by They Might Be Giants

Ted's Friday Film Recommendation

Gonna try something new for the .172 of you on average that view my crappy blog on a daily basis... a weekly recommended-viewing post, so be sure to tune-in every Friday for a cinematic suggestion (or two)... some of my favorite films, good AND bad!

We'll start with a double-feature from one of my favorite film sub-genres... HEROIN FLICKS!!!

Jesus' Son starring Billy Crudup, Samantha Morton (1999, Evenstar Films) and...

Permanent Midnight starring Ben Stiller (yes, he HAS actually made a good film), Elizabeth Hurley (1998, JD Productions)

Enjoy!

Time for the first Celebrity Sort-of Look-Alike of the new year!

Former Padres and Giants left-handed starting pitcher (former left-handed anything, actually), Dave Dravecky...

and sassy film critic, Rex Reed

DEAR GOD... I CAN STILL SEE IT WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES!!!

Don't ask how this got started... we were having a bit of a debate at the office yesterday as to which of these "music videos" is the most horrendous...

In what must be nothing short of sensory overload of joy of near orgasmic proportion for the discriminating nerd, Spock singing a song about hobbits and elves and gnomes... I think there's a line or two about The Hamburglar in there as well


And an attempt at a pop song by nine-time Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis... a performance that makes his rendition of the national anthem at Madison Square Garden look like Placido Domingo performing the aria "Nessun Dorma"


THE HORROR! THE HORROR! So, which of these ballads is the greater sucker of ass? Well, from my particular perspective, as a fellow University of Houston alumnus, I find that Carl Lewis' effort transcends mere stupefying dreadfulness and actually fills me with a feeling of personal embarrassment at having that small measure of association with him.

A Civil Servant Sort-Of Look-Alike

The new mayor-elect of Houston, Annise Parker...

and the mayor of TV's South Park

UGH!

Watching the Texans-Jags game... and thanks to the those profoundly stupid Levis ads, the sickeningly spirited iPod spots, the Southwest Airlines "Bags Fly Free" rap and the just plain irritating Amazon Kindle jingle, my advertisement annoyance factor (otherwise known as AAF) for the day is waaaaaaay off the chart.

I may have to hurt someone soon.

Come on... really??? Another Celebrity Sort-Of Look-Alike!

Quirky actor Rainn Wilson...


and storyteller and satirist Garrison Keillor

For the love of God...

has it really come to this??? We live in a country, a world where THIS is newsworthy?!?!?

Miley Cyrus Offers Hip-Hop Kiss-Off To Twitter

Miley Cyrus (and don't think for a moment that I don't deeply rue and lament the fact that I even know who this person is) has made a rap video to explain why she has deleted her Twitter account... and posted said video to YouTube.

Lord, just go ahead and hit us with Armageddon, please!

John 3:16

With filmmaker John Hughes having died unexpectedly today, a friend/coworker/contemporary of mine, John C., and I were chatting about him... and the many films he made that were and will always be significant to those of us that grew up in the '80's. My friend John made the point that John Hughes is our generation's John Ford... a pretty valid point, I thought. Of course, John Ford was known for his many collaborations with John Wayne. In reflecting upon John Hughes, it occurred to me that he featured John Candy in many of his films... so, as we consider John Hughes as our generation's John Ford, as my friend John asserted, it would follow that John Candy was John Hughes' John Wayne.

It eventually dawned on me that I was dealing with a lot of Johns (insert hooker joke here).

Ted's Choice for the Single-Best Simpsons Line Ever

The second episode of season seven (Sept. '95) titled "Radioactive Man"... courtesy of Rainier Wolfcastle, as he is washed away by a raging torrent of acid: My eyes... the goggles do nothing!!!

What the world needs now...

is an exciting and new (and by that, I mean awful and inappropriate) children's show host... here are a few suggestions...

• Timothy "Red" Tinkles (has a terrible bladder infection)
• Cowboy Bob and his sidekick Tumbleweed (unapologetic anti-Semites)
• Infectious Chet (duh)
• Al Gore
• Bobby the Badger (rabid)
• Paris Hilton (ditto)
• Li'l Jamaal (L.A. Crip)
• Bozo the Clown (the original... in his current condition)
• Adolf and Heinrich (too sugary)
• Bus Depot Jim (hygiene issues)
• Sparky Sal (encourages children to stick items in electrical outlets)

And last, but not least... say it with me, everybody...

• Michael Jackson

I love me some cultures!

I enjoy yogurt... I enjoy it a great deal. That being established, I've noticed that ALL yogurt advertising is geared towards women. The more I think about it, I can't recall ever even seeing a male in any capacity in yogurt-related promotions. Come on... it's yogurt, not douche, for God's sake.

Oh, well... guess this is yet another matter over which I will develop some sort of unhealthy complex.