Ted's Somewhat Unspoken Truths of Life

Comedy writers? ALL nerdy little Jewish guys.

Clever, funny folks, those...

Hey, I'm thinking it's about time for a Celebrity Sort-of Look-Alike!

New USC head coach and least likely candidate to win the Knoxville Chamber of Commerce 2010 Man of the Year, Lane Kiffin...

and comedian / Comedy Central personality (which is strange, as Comedy Central seemingly has nothing at all to do with anything that is funny), Daniel Tosh

Ted's Choice for the Single-Best Simpsons Line Ever

The second episode of season seven (Sept. '95) titled "Radioactive Man"... courtesy of Rainier Wolfcastle, as he is washed away by a raging torrent of acid: My eyes... the goggles do nothing!!!

"When we two parted / In silence and tears, / Half broken-hearted / To sever for years..." -Lord Byron

After 27 guffaw-filled years, Friday night was the last evening I will be spending with NBC's "Late Night"... 11 years of Dave and 16 years of Conan. They made me laugh, made me cry (with laughter), sometimes made me squirm (especially in the early days with Letterman's frequently brutal treatment of his guests)... and made me sleep through my early classes more often than not. So many eccentric entities... from Larry "Bud" Melman to the Fugitive Guy (Chris Elliott) to Carl "Oldy" Olson to the Masturbating Bear... so many other memorable characters I can't seem to remember! It was nearly three decades of great comedy that made for tremendous television... and now? The legendary franchise is being handed over to the insufferable Jimmy Fallon.

Guess I'll have to occupy my time with other endeavors... sleep, perhaps.

These are a few of my favorite things...

Frequently, someone will ask me, "What is your favorite movie?" Or, perhaps, "Who is your favorite band?" And if they're a woman, "Won't you please just get the hell away from me?!?" At the moment, I'd like to address the first two of these sort of questions. I really have a wildly varied set of enthusiasms, and, due in large part to this, I've never really been concerned with identifying my favorite this or my most adored that. Hell, there's a lot of material to chose from here, folks! Anyway, world, due to your fascination with my fondnesses, and subsequent endless inquiries into such, I've decided to relent, and thus, I am about to give you a very brief and hastily compiled list of some of my faves. Please enjoy... and leave me the hell alone!

Favorite Films: Star Wars, The Godfather, Sweet Smell of Success, The Usual Suspects

Favorite Bands: At the moment, I'll go with The Anniversary / The Only Children, Tilly and the Wall, The Velvet Underground

Favorite Books: "Naked Pictures of Famous People" -Jon Stewart, "The Odyssey" -Homer (Fagles translation), "The Idiot" -Fyodor Dostoevsky

Favorite Comedian: Brian Regan... in a runaway

Favorite Actor: Joseph Cotten

Favorite Actresses: Eleanor Powell, Rita Hayworth

Favorite Restaurant at Which to Avoiding Dining: Chili's

Favorite Sub-Saharan African Country: Tanzania... in a close one over Botswana

Sports Favorites: MLB-Houston Astros, NFL-Dallas Cowboys (I hate you, Tony Romo!), NBA-Houston Rockets, I guess... I mean does anybody like the NBA anymore?, NHL-New York Rangers, NCAA-University of Houston, Non-American Football-Arsenal, Athlete (Overall)- Vince Coleman, Golfer-Paula Creamer (YUM!!!), Hot Oil Wrestler-Miss Candy

Favorite German Political Party: Christian Democratic Union / Christian Social Union (CDU / CSU) Coalition

Favorite Roman Emperor of "The Twelve Caesars": Vespasian

Favorite Cheese: Gruyere

Favorite Bar: Kay's Lounge, Houston, TX

Favorite Beer: The one in front of me

Favorite Child-Labor-Exploiting Sneaker Manufacturer: Nike

Favorite Political Pundit: Kirsten Powers (AND I'M A REPUBLICAN... GO FIGURE!!!)

Favorite Networks: Food Network, Discovery, History Channel

Favorite Pastime: Sleep / Belching (Tie)

Favorite Fruit: Apples / Paul Lynde (Tie)

Okay... ENOUGH, DAMN IT!!!

I have some very sick friends.

This was done by my good friend T.M.O.G., and, quite frankly, I really don't have the words to describe what you're about to see, so just enjoy... YODEL!

Wow!