Ted's at-the-ballpark team gear fan etiquette

As the Mrs. and I enjoy a few beers in advance of the Astros home opener (screw the Monday after the Super Bowl, MLB opening day should be a national holiday), we are chatting about the event-pertinent fashion choices made by the ever growing crowd of fans in our pregame bar of choice. As a result of this exchange, I've decided to briefly outline my fan gear philosophy:

•Throwback gear is always acceptable, EXCEPT in the case of the uniform/logo/color scheme immediately prior to the current one. For instance, wearing a 1998 vintage navy blue/metallic gold Tony Eusebio Astros jersey to the ballpark today is perfectly acceptable. A 2005 Chris Burke brick red, black and sand (or whatever they called that crappy beige) jersey? Nope.

•You can't wear the current jersey of players no longer with the team. Rocking your Altuve #27 today? Great choice! Pulled your Saturday orange Dexter Fowler (now with Cubs) #21 out of the closet? Fowl... I mean FOUL on you!

•Despite it being a team for which they played, you can't customize a jersey with a player name/number if they never wore that jersey. I don't want to see any "RYAN 34" jerseys from the Jimmy Wynn "shooting star" uni era, nor any Colt .45s caps with anything Astros. I made sure that he had indeed played for them in '89 when they made they switch from pullover to button-down before I slapped "PUHL 21" on my button-down Rawlings Astros home white.

•Never mix/combine different era logos... but if you insist on being one of those people, NEVER MIX DIFFERENT COLOR SCHEMES!!!!! Brick red, navy blue and sand? Puke!!!! Oh wait, that's the current Cleveland Cavaliers combo isn't it? Well, at least they have LeBron.

•Updated/resurrected logos must abide by the "no mixing logos" standard. The current update of the Astros 70s/80s era logo can be used with the current unis/gear, BUT NOT your Mitchell & Ness "BIGGIO 7" throwback BP jersey. Your old Astros cap from '86? Close, but no wearing it with your contemporary "SPRINGER 4" home white.

•Non-logo, but pertinent fan gear of the proper color scheme is acceptable. My wife's "I'm a Baseball and Cold Beer kinda girl" navy blue and orange t-shirt worn with her current logo Astros visor? Thumbs up!!!

Happy opening day 2015 all!!!

In the year of Our Lord, 2011...

I resolve to:

• exercise moderation in the pursuit of all things, particularly the quality of being moderate
• give a Dutch oven to a Dutch girl
• eat less cheese / destroy fewer commodes
• give without any thought of reciprocity, especially in instances of ass-kickings and STDs
• not rage violently about things such as cyclists, democrats, the New York Rangers, Texas' sodomy laws, the Amish, the lack of good bagel shops in Houston, my ever-increasing volume of ear hair, etc...
• see at least five films in theatrical release (the gauntlet is thrown... bring it on, Hollywood)
• make every effort as one man to bring parachute pants back into style
• be less overtly gassy in the company of friends and family (NEVER gonna happen)
• write more
• put more effort into grooming myself
• put more effort into grooming my dog
• put more effort into grooming the lawn
• put more effort into becoming a groom (grooming myself will hopefully help towards this end)
• be a bigger bad ass than I was in 2010 (a tall order, indeed)
• be more resolute

Thank you, Associated Press... A-holes!!!

Okay... here's the AP recap on tonight's 15-6 slaughter of my Houston Astros at the hands of the Cincinnati Reds...

AP-BBN--Astros-Reds,0307
Reds extend HR surge, beat Astros 15-6
Eds: APNewsNow. Reds 15, Astros 6.
AP Photo CSB101, CSB108, CSB109, CSB102
By JOE KAY
AP Baseball Writer
CINCINNATI (AP) -- Drew Sutton hit his first grand slam, joining
one of the longest power surges in Cincinnati Reds history, and
LeCure went six innings to win his big-league debut, 15-6 over the
historically bad Houston Astros on Friday night...

Yeah, it's looking like it could be one of the worst seasons in the history of the franchise, but I don't think they're gonna threaten the 1962 Mets. Oh, and one more thing... apparently the Reds' rookie pitcher only has one name... Pele', Halston, LeCure. Well done, AP.

A Celebrity Sort-of Look-Alike, World Cup / NFL Mini Camp Edition

Manchester United / English national team football star, Wayne Rooney...

and Houston Texans football funnyman, David Anderson...

If I may be so bold as to borrow from Hunter S. Thompson...

professional sports are a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.

Okay, so maybe, at least in this case, that's a bit extreme... and I realize these folks, like any other business enterprise, are in it to make money, but sheesh... here's that about which I'm currently rambling. The shameless money grab that is corporate sponsorship in pro sports... example: here is the first paragraph from a Houston Rockets press release on a roster move the club made today...

HOUSTON – Houston Rockets General Manager Daryl Morey announced today that the team has assigned guard Jermaine Taylor to Houston’s single-affiliation NBA D-League partner the Rio Grande Valley Vipers. In addition, the Rockets have signed Rio Grande Valley guard Will Conroy to a 10-day contract, marking Conroy’s fourth-career GATORADE Call-Up to the NBA.

And with that, it's official... about the only aspect of the world of big-dollar athletics that isn't sponsored these days is when the back-up point guard has to leave the bench to take a crap... that being said, the "Depends Dump of the Game" may just be right around the corner!

Hey, I'm thinking it's about time for a Celebrity Sort-of Look-Alike!

New USC head coach and least likely candidate to win the Knoxville Chamber of Commerce 2010 Man of the Year, Lane Kiffin...

and comedian / Comedy Central personality (which is strange, as Comedy Central seemingly has nothing at all to do with anything that is funny), Daniel Tosh

Time for the first Celebrity Sort-of Look-Alike of the new year!

Former Padres and Giants left-handed starting pitcher (former left-handed anything, actually), Dave Dravecky...

and sassy film critic, Rex Reed

DEAR GOD... I CAN STILL SEE IT WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES!!!

Don't ask how this got started... we were having a bit of a debate at the office yesterday as to which of these "music videos" is the most horrendous...

In what must be nothing short of sensory overload of joy of near orgasmic proportion for the discriminating nerd, Spock singing a song about hobbits and elves and gnomes... I think there's a line or two about The Hamburglar in there as well


And an attempt at a pop song by nine-time Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis... a performance that makes his rendition of the national anthem at Madison Square Garden look like Placido Domingo performing the aria "Nessun Dorma"


THE HORROR! THE HORROR! So, which of these ballads is the greater sucker of ass? Well, from my particular perspective, as a fellow University of Houston alumnus, I find that Carl Lewis' effort transcends mere stupefying dreadfulness and actually fills me with a feeling of personal embarrassment at having that small measure of association with him.

With LSU and Florida facing off this weekend...

I thought now would be as an appropriate a time as any to bring up this...

Yes, that is State of Texas-issued, collegiate custom license plate for LOUISIANA STATE UNIVERSITY... available NOW on the TxDOT website! I realize our state is overrun with LSU alumni (and exponentially more people who went there for a semester before, due to academic and/or criminal concerns, being invited to leave)... and that about 90% of LSU's two-deep roster is comprised of Texas high school football talent, but STILL... this just seems weird to me.

And so it begins...

Texans training camp kicked off this morning...

Friends, family... I'll see you guys in January. :-(

Were I forced to choose between the two...

I would, after much agonizing, have to go with Pucky the Whale...

over Fudgy the Whale...

Dear God, no! Another Sort-Of Celebrity Look-Alike!!!

Los Angeles Lakers young center, Andrew Bynum...


and Mykelti Williamson's "Bubba" character from Forrest Gump

GOD BLESS YOU, DON CHERRY!!!

FREAKING BEAUTIFUL!!!

Ted's Favorite Hockey Injuries!

This is the aftermath of a sharp skate blade across the face... In November, 1986, Toronto Maple Leafs defenseman Borje Salming suffered this injury in a game against the Detroit Red Wings... piecing the Swedish star's face back together required over 200 stitches

March, 1989... Buffalo Sabres goaltender Clint Malarchuk was involved in a collision with Steve Tuttle of the St. Louis Blues... Tuttle's skate caught Malarchuk's neck and severed his carotid artery (another fun angle!!!), resulting in a severe loss of blood... fortunately for Malarchuk, the Sabres' athletic trainer, Jim Pizzutelli, was a former army medic and was able to pinch the artery, cutting off the bleeding and saving Malarchuk's life

Finally... this isn't one particular injury, but rather a snapshot of a hall of fame career... Terry Sawchuk, a goaltender who suited up for five NHL franchises but is best remembered for his days with Detroit, played over ten years without any sort of facial protection... the result being more than 600 stitches and a distinct visage for Sawchuk (who died in 1970 at the age at 40 from injuries incurred in a fight with New York Rangers teammate Ron Stewart... Stewart was never charged with any crime)

So, the NBA playoffs are here...

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNN!

Time to pass the torch

Now that John Madden has decided to hang it up as an NFL analyst, I think it's also time for him to consider passing the billion-dollar EA Sports video game franchise, Madden NFL, into a current analyst's capable hands. I'd love to see Solomon Wilcots NFL 2010!

I'm sorry, but...

I don't think Jackie Robinson would be particularly fond of every single player in uniform in every game played today (the 62nd anniversary of his breaking Major league Baseball's "color barrier") wearing number 42... in his honor. I've read quite a bit about the man... I just feel he might find such a gesture way over the top.

Now, a mock court martial in his memory...

WOO HOO!!!

HAPPY OPENING DAY, EVERYONE!!! :-)

It's been forty years, Whitey, but they finally finished the job.

Former Patriots / Bills / Broncos head coach Lou Saban passed away today at the age of 87. What, you may ask, would be considered the consummate moment of his 16 year NFL coaching career? Well, while coaching for Denver in the late 60's, a mic'ed-up and exasperated Saban provided one of the all-time classic NFL Films clips when he wheeled around to assistant coach Bill "Whitey" Dovell and proclaimed, "They're killing me, Whitey! They're killing me!!!"

R.I.P., Coach Saban...

Full of sound and fury signifying nothing...

The people responsible for the artificial noise at sporting events should all be rounded up, incarcerated and tortured... and those that must answer for the dissonant din at NBA games, well, they deserve to be tortured to death. Now, I'm not talking about the organ music at a baseball game or something along the lines of a cannon blast or air raid siren set off after the home team scores a touchdown... these are a part of "the sounds of the game", both traditional and cool. No, I'm speaking of the countless canned cacophonous clips that are played endlessly and for no apparent reason... recorded chants meant to get the crowd going: "defense... defense..." or "Go, (insert team here)! Go!"... twenty second clips of the latest popular, yet unlistenable, rap / dance song... buzzing bees, race car engines roaring, wacky boing-clang-wahwahwah sound effects... ALL GARBAGE!!!

Who let the dogs out??? Who, indeed?!?