A show... and dinner!!!

Heading over to the Continental Club this evening to take in the Southern Culture on the Skids show... for those of you not familiar with the band, they do a song called "8 Piece Box"... during live performances of this song, pieces of fried chicken are gently (or not so gently) tossed into the crowd, as seen here...



Fun! That being said, I don't think this concept would work nearly as well if Robert Earl Keen chose to do the same during a performance of "Five Pound Bass".

Just sayin'...

In the year of Our Lord, 2011...

I resolve to:

• exercise moderation in the pursuit of all things, particularly the quality of being moderate
• give a Dutch oven to a Dutch girl
• eat less cheese / destroy fewer commodes
• give without any thought of reciprocity, especially in instances of ass-kickings and STDs
• not rage violently about things such as cyclists, democrats, the New York Rangers, Texas' sodomy laws, the Amish, the lack of good bagel shops in Houston, my ever-increasing volume of ear hair, etc...
• see at least five films in theatrical release (the gauntlet is thrown... bring it on, Hollywood)
• make every effort as one man to bring parachute pants back into style
• be less overtly gassy in the company of friends and family (NEVER gonna happen)
• write more
• put more effort into grooming myself
• put more effort into grooming my dog
• put more effort into grooming the lawn
• put more effort into becoming a groom (grooming myself will hopefully help towards this end)
• be a bigger bad ass than I was in 2010 (a tall order, indeed)
• be more resolute

Ummm...

Proudly Bringing Houston the Finest and Runniest Foods the World has to Offer for over 25 Years

These are a few of my favorite things...

Frequently, someone will ask me, "What is your favorite movie?" Or, perhaps, "Who is your favorite band?" And if they're a woman, "Won't you please just get the hell away from me?!?" At the moment, I'd like to address the first two of these sort of questions. I really have a wildly varied set of enthusiasms, and, due in large part to this, I've never really been concerned with identifying my favorite this or my most adored that. Hell, there's a lot of material to chose from here, folks! Anyway, world, due to your fascination with my fondnesses, and subsequent endless inquiries into such, I've decided to relent, and thus, I am about to give you a very brief and hastily compiled list of some of my faves. Please enjoy... and leave me the hell alone!

Favorite Films: Star Wars, The Godfather, Sweet Smell of Success, The Usual Suspects

Favorite Bands: At the moment, I'll go with The Anniversary / The Only Children, Tilly and the Wall, The Velvet Underground

Favorite Books: "Naked Pictures of Famous People" -Jon Stewart, "The Odyssey" -Homer (Fagles translation), "The Idiot" -Fyodor Dostoevsky

Favorite Comedian: Brian Regan... in a runaway

Favorite Actor: Joseph Cotten

Favorite Actresses: Eleanor Powell, Rita Hayworth

Favorite Restaurant at Which to Avoiding Dining: Chili's

Favorite Sub-Saharan African Country: Tanzania... in a close one over Botswana

Sports Favorites: MLB-Houston Astros, NFL-Dallas Cowboys (I hate you, Tony Romo!), NBA-Houston Rockets, I guess... I mean does anybody like the NBA anymore?, NHL-New York Rangers, NCAA-University of Houston, Non-American Football-Arsenal, Athlete (Overall)- Vince Coleman, Golfer-Paula Creamer (YUM!!!), Hot Oil Wrestler-Miss Candy

Favorite German Political Party: Christian Democratic Union / Christian Social Union (CDU / CSU) Coalition

Favorite Roman Emperor of "The Twelve Caesars": Vespasian

Favorite Cheese: Gruyere

Favorite Bar: Kay's Lounge, Houston, TX

Favorite Beer: The one in front of me

Favorite Child-Labor-Exploiting Sneaker Manufacturer: Nike

Favorite Political Pundit: Kirsten Powers (AND I'M A REPUBLICAN... GO FIGURE!!!)

Favorite Networks: Food Network, Discovery, History Channel

Favorite Pastime: Sleep / Belching (Tie)

Favorite Fruit: Apples / Paul Lynde (Tie)

Okay... ENOUGH, DAMN IT!!!

Let's not go Krogering

So...

I'm on my dinner break and I'm wandering around the Kroger located adjacent to my place of employment, looking for some sort of sustenance. In a cooler case near the self-checkout kiosk, I see a nice looking tray of seven-layer dip. Hey, while admittedly not a well-balanced meal, some tortilla chips and dip would certainly sate my hunger for the evening... so let's see what this seven-layer selection is all about. I pick up the container and realize it's a healthy amount of dip, somewhere between a pound and a pound-and-a-half I would guess... certainly more than I would eat in one sitting, so I'm thinking I'll purchase it and munch on it all weekend at work. Flip it over to check out the label... $17.99 FOR THE FREAKING SEVEN-LAYER DIP!!! Yes, you read that correctly...

$17.99 FOR SEVEN-LAYER DIP!!!

Apparently, the folks with the Kroger company are not aware of the fact that we are in a bit of a deflationary cycle at the moment... either that, or they're of the opinion that seven-layer dip is worth it's weight in gold. Sheesh!

Match in the gas tank... BOOM! BOOM!

So...

I sit down to enjoy the morning's third cappuccino because, hey, who doesn't like to start the day with a severe case of the sweat 'n' shakes??? I hear, seemingly much like every other business venture nowadays, that the fine folks at Starbucks, my hosts for this moment, are in a bit of a fiduciary fix. I wonder... how can a company that charges four bucks for three cents worth of coffee be in any sort of monetary mess? I wouldn't think that a couple of six-dollar-an-hour baristas would lead to much in the way of overhead... perhaps having locations on three different corners of a single intersection is over-saturating the market just a wee bit... whatever. Anyway, as I begin to quiver down the robust brew, I suddenly flash back to those ads for some type of international relief fund... "for the cost of a daily cup of coffee, you can change the world," they told us. At the time, I seem to recall this "cost" being somewhere between 35 and 50 cents. Ten, fifteen, twenty bucks a month and I could feed a hungry child who had the misfortune of being born somewhere south of the Sahara. As I pop back into the present, I contemplate what could now be done with cost of a daily cup of coffee... a taxpayer-subsidized, government bailout of Starbucks, of course!

Match in the gas tank... BOOM! BOOM!

And now your soul is like a whorehouse... so many lovers, but none you can name...

Does anyone else suddenly take pause when, in the midst of mindlessly shucking and consuming the leftover Halloween candy at your parents' house, out of the blue, you contemplate the dozens of grubby little snot-encrusted, booger-picking paws that have thoroughly rummaged through the candy bowl... contaminating the wrapper of every remaining morsel? I do... then I continue unwrapping and cramming fun-size Snickers in my fat pie-hole.

Mmmmmm... That's Good Paste!!!

Over the weekend just passed, I had the pleasure of spending some time with a German friend who was in town for a few days. Her last night here, she, my sister, my brother-and-law and I all went out for sushi. I, being a non-seafood eating vegetarian... and a fat ass, consumed one of every meat-free item on the menu. Most interesting amongst said dishes was the plum paste and mint roll. You see "plum" and "mint" and your thoughts naturally turn to things of a sweet nature, but this was definitely savory, with a very unique, yet quite pleasant flavor... and it had an interesting heat to it... not the kind that has you gulping down your green milk tea, but the kind that slowly creeps down the back of your throat and up into your sinuses (and that's before the eye-watering dose of wasabi). All in all, a yummy experience.

To repeat what others have said requires education... to challenge it requires brains.

What in the world is being taught in the once-hallowed halls of Subway University these days?!? I've enjoyed dining on their interpretation of the hoagie for many a year. However, I do not frequent Subway with great regularity anymore, perhaps once or twice every couple of months, but every time I do, without fail, I am horrified by an egregious error in the sequence of sandwich assembly. Regardless of employee or location, they always do it the same way, and DAMN IT... IT IS THE WRONG WAY TO MAKE A SANDWICH!!! An explanation...

I walk into a Subway location (hopefully with little or no line), approach the counter, flash a big smile to the kind soul who will be taking my order (and inquire as to the state of their humor up to this point of the day), and then I convey my dining desire... let's say a footlong veggie on wheat... and immediately, it all starts to go wrong... so very, very wrong. The alleged sandwich artist grabs a loaf, grabs a knife, deftly bisects the bread and unfolds it... and it should be sandwich making time. Under acceptable circumstances, this is the point where I inform the sub monkey that I would like a spread of mayonnaise, BUT... the way the operation is run these days, I am asked what items I want on my sandwich before any consideration of condiment choice... BLASPHEMY! I adamantly advise the employee that I want my mayo spread ON THE BREAD, not glopped amongst the ingredients. My request is met not with an acknowledgment of my desires, or words of any kind, but instead a confused, slack-jawed look. I reiterate that I would like the mayo on the bread before the rest of the sandwich is assembled... and with seeming heavy hesitance, my wishes are fulfilled. So, that's the long (or should I say footlong? HAR HAR HAR!) and short of it.

Maybe you don't care for mayo... perhaps ketchup is your cat's meow... or a healthy dose of mustard floats your boat... whatever. When it comes to condiments, YOU APPLY THEM TO THE BREAD. "Why?" you may ask... well, let me tell you. First of all, it moistens the bread in an ever so delightful way... this is integral to achieving sandwich bliss. Secondly, it acts as no less than a binding agent, helping to hold one's portable meal in one piece. There are few greater catastrophes than one-handing a ham and cheese while driving, only to have the sumbitch fall to pieces and get swine slime all over your nice silk vest... talk about a fashion fauxpas! Think about it in these terms... you want a cheeseburger with mayo and shredded lettuce, and you are given a burger patty with a nice melted slice of American, but it is subsequently placed on a dry bottom half of a burger bun... upon this is piled some lovely, crisp bits o' lettuce, which, alas, is then sullied by drizzle of mayonnaise, before this unfit-to-rule burger is crowned with the other half of the depressingly dry bun. A cheeseburger with shredded lettuce and mayo? Certainly not! You have cheeseburger, topped with cole slaw, on a butt-nekked bun, and nobody wants that, now do they?

The fact that Subway now employs such a sandwich-making policy is irrefutable evidence that the ranks of their upper-management have been infiltrated by damn, dirty communists... so, faced with such foes, I am left to plea with the sandwich-crafting proletariat... consider what you have learned. Call these methods into question... weigh what you have been "taught" against what you know! Does it feel right? It can't possibly! Defy authority... buck free of the bourgeoisie!!! Do what you know to be right... and put the spread on the bread.