Oh, the Reality!!!

I hate most network programming... and I especially abhor so-called "reality television". This genre of "entertainment" is the very embodiment of disgusting. So, of course, I've spent the last several moments contemplating new and exciting concepts for reality TV shows I'd like to see produced... and if you'll indulge an exercise in catharsis, I give you twenty titles that have sprung, just as Athena from Zeus, fully-formed from my mind...

Leper Colony: French Guiana

Dancing with the Disabled

Feces Factor

Battered Women's Shelter: World Series of Poker Wives

Are You Allergic?

Confessions of TV News Interns

Assassination Nation: Sniper School

Tales from the Port Authority

Temptation Island 2: Electric Boogaloo

Evenings with Ernest Borgnine

Living with Syphilis

San Diego Meteorologists

Insipid, Despicable People Eat Bugs and Go Weeks Without Bathing

Who Wants to be a Busboy?

The Transient

Tic-Tac-Ticks (hey, even traditional format game shows are referred to as "reality TV' these days!)

Beating the Addiction: The $5 DVD Bin at Wal-Mart

The Fetid Fishmonger presents "Catch of the Day"

The Loves of Ivan Lendl

America's Funniest Fraternity Hazing Deaths

F*ck you, Hollywood!

Increase Mather stated that...

"Drink is in itself a good creature of God, and to be received with thankfulness, but the abuse of drink is from Satan. The wine is from God, but the Drunkard is from the Devil."

God... I really need a drink, nay, a whole ass-load of drinks!

So, what did you do during Hurricane Ike?

Yeah... I was shooting live shots all night, including a couple during the extended period when the eyewall came through. Not the eye, mind you, the eyewall... the part of the hurricane with the really, really heavy rain and really, really high winds. Note that I am not wearing any rain gear... that never changed during the course of the evening. Come to find out, my favorite Nike sweatshirt weighs about 35 pounds when completely soaked. Of course, I should be honored I was selected for such an important role in our broadcast... this was not, however, because of my superior skills as a photographer, but instead because of the fact that, with my considerable girth, I had what you might call a significantly higher "wind rating" than the rest of our available, qualified employees... an honor, nonetheless!

"I've got a bad feeling about this."

That is what I thought to myself as I planted my fat ass in the theater seat (God bless that seat for being so accommodating of the significant rear-end real estate I bring to the ballgame). Having dropped $9.50 of my hard-earned scratch to take in the latest cinematic addition to the canon of the Star Wars universe, I was actually what you might call anxious (yes, I am a Star Wars dork... I use the term "dork", as opposed to "geek" or "nerd", because I could beat most other people I encounter into a coma. This is not an ability traditionally associated with geeks or nerds). I'd read many of the critics' reviews of The Clone Wars, and they were scathing, to say the least... one review went so far as to call George Lucas "an enemy of fun". And as much as I try to convince myself that I enjoyed them immensely, I cannot deny the fact that, overall, I found the "prequel" films to be quite a disappointment (I did think ROTS [told you I was a dork] was pretty damn good, actually). So, with the most recent films having been a let down, coupled with the pernicious press preceding the release of The Clone Wars, I began to munch my popcorn as the lights dimmed, hoping to be pleased, but prepared to be disillusioned. 98 minutes later, I exited the theater with my faith in the Star Wars franchise restored. The film, a wholly different experience being animated, was a blast! It was, as the cliche goes, action-packed... and it was funny, to boot. I laughed out loud at least a half-dozen times. I found the animation style, much-reviled by the professional cine-castigators, to be rather interesting and quite unique. I felt the fatal flaw of the prequels to be the need to bring the back story of the original trilogy to life, while trying to establish a logical continuity to a tale largely told backwards. The prequels were muddied-up by the minutia brought to bear by tying the trilogies together. The Clone Wars was not burdened by such requisites... it was simply shoot 'em up, frolicking fun. Furthermore, in what must unfortunately be acknowledged as an indictment of the prequel films, the characters of The Clone Wars had just that, character... Anakin Skywalker, in particular... his interplay with the new character of Ahsoka, his Padawan, is playfully engaging. I truly enjoyed the film and eagerly await the debut of the TV series that will continue the Clone Wars storyline.

Thank you, Prometheus!

This blows!

F*@& YOU, IKE!!!

That sucked, and still sucks, major ass! Living without power and water... that gets really old, really quickly. I think I lost 15 pounds last night just from sweating... that's a lot of fun when trying to sleep for the first time in three days. But hey, A/C or not, it was great to be home after 31 straight hours at work. However, it was not great to have to almost immediately turn around and come back to work... but at least I only have to work 12 hours days every day for what's likely to be close to two weeks. I shouldn't complain too much... we have power and A/C at work... and they are feeding us with some measure of regularity. My car now won't start, but hopefully some dry conditions and the passage of time will remedy that. My almost brand new half-gallon of Pecan Pralines 'n Cream Blue Bell is a complete loss, but I still have a roof over my head and family and friends are safe... and for that, I am very thankful.

By the way, if any of you are offered the opportunity to shoot several live shots outside in the teeth of a hurricane eyewall passing through your part of town, I'd advise taking a pass. Trust me.

Yu-uh-ummy... yummy-yum-yum!

Spice muffins with chopped walnuts and shredded baby carrots (some dusted with confectioners sugar, some topped with cream cheese icing and freshly ground nutmeg)!!!

Stuff... and stuff

• I have just recently been introduced to the joy that is Roly Poly (Purveyor of Fine Sandwiches, Soups & Salads... or so I'm told. Thus far, I've only sampled the sandwiches). They do wrap-style sandwiches... and they have an extensive selection of vegetarian options (extensive=8), which means I can actually dine there... always a plus when I'm hungry. After my first visit, I texted my friend (a fellow vegetarian... she was vacationing in Florida, otherwise I would have shared the happy news with her face-to-face) who first informed me of the existence of the establishment and let her know that, having just finished wolfing down a Monster Veggie, I was no longer a Roly Poly virgin. She told me she was happy for me, but that I should've gone with the California Hummer instead... her reasoning being that a hummer is always a good call for "breaking in" a virgin. I like Sherrie!
• The next great spectator sport??? Competitive sentence diagramming
• I'm going to write a novel someday. As of now, I have no ideas for a setting, era... or even a plot. All I have is a name for my protagonist... "Ubiquitous Bill"
• Why are there no "plus size" models for men's underwear?
• As time passes, Beach Boy Brian Wilson reminds me more and more of the "Carl the groundskeeper" character from Caddyshack
• I'd like to see the jheri curl become fashionable again
• PUPPIES!!!

• Heard this one from a cabbie in Belfast... "What is the only difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk."
• My dad, whom I love dearly, has developed some interesting fascinations as he has grown older, foremost amongst them... inkpens and flashlights. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that he hoards these items
• I feel that Anson Carter is not given the credit due him as a trailblazer... the first NHL player to sport dreadlocks

There was that law of life, so cruel and so just, that one must grow or else pay more for remaining the same.

Apparently, sweet potatoes really like the cool darkness of the pantry at my folks' place...