Golden MySpace Classics... Texas' Citadel of Stupidity's Greatest Hits, Vol. 13

Original post date: May 26, 2007 - Saturday

Life? Don't talk to me about life.

The front door to his house swung open and the sullen man strode inside. The visage instantly familiar to most of us... this, however, was not the man we knew. This was not the dignified, even striking, iconic figure... proud to be the very embodiment of the sacred southern stereotype. This was a being defeated... distant and forlorn. He didn't even break stride as he entered his home, wheeling the door shut behind him carelessly with his left hand, the same hand in which was crumpled his previously pressed white coat, which he then simply let fall to the floor. Simultaneously, with a single finger of his right hand, manipulated in a manner something akin to a fish hook, he tugged uncomfortably at his signature string tie. With a gloomy gait and a face that strongly radiated pain despite a complete lack of expression, the gentleman made his way to the liquor cabinet. He grabbed a lowball glass, one very obviously crafted of fine crystal, and dropped a couple of ice cubes in... the procurement of ice being more gesture than genuine. No need to chew up precious volume needlessly with ice. He filled the glass, just a hair short of the rim, with his preferred brand of Kentucky bourbon and made his way to his favorite chair. He took his seat, slowly and deliberately. Despite the extraordinary comfort of his setting, the venerable old man was at disease. And as the broken soul raised the glass to his lips, eager for the first sweet sip of the only thing that brought him comfort anymore, Colonel Sanders muttered to himself, "God damn, fried chicken".

DEAR GOD... I CAN STILL SEE IT WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES!!!

Don't ask how this got started... we were having a bit of a debate at the office yesterday as to which of these "music videos" is the most horrendous...

In what must be nothing short of sensory overload of joy of near orgasmic proportion for the discriminating nerd, Spock singing a song about hobbits and elves and gnomes... I think there's a line or two about The Hamburglar in there as well


And an attempt at a pop song by nine-time Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis... a performance that makes his rendition of the national anthem at Madison Square Garden look like Placido Domingo performing the aria "Nessun Dorma"


THE HORROR! THE HORROR! So, which of these ballads is the greater sucker of ass? Well, from my particular perspective, as a fellow University of Houston alumnus, I find that Carl Lewis' effort transcends mere stupefying dreadfulness and actually fills me with a feeling of personal embarrassment at having that small measure of association with him.

I gotta break 'cause my mother said be home by dizzark

As the witches said, "Fair is foul and foul is fair." Well, some four hundred years after Shakespeare penned Macbeth, bad is now good and good... well, I guess good is still pretty much good. Anyway...

If one is to take the word in its literal sense, grant the term its intended import, I submit to you that there has never been a more aptly-named contrived musical act than the 1990's pre-pubescent R&B sextet Another Bad Creation.

We'll see ya at the playground kids, which, ironically enough, is where Michael Bivins is living these days, I believe.

And so it begins...

"Alright... reverse gears!" A reference to one of my favorite moments from Bill Cosby's concert film Himself... a bit where he's ruminating about the human constitution's reaction to over-imbibing.

"Alright... reverse gears!" Also, a line I find wholly appropriate in describing the annual philosophical change in the collective American mindset that takes place every December 26th. Ah, the duplicity of the holiday season... the masks of comedy and tragedy as apt for this time of year as they are the theatre.

In a matter of 24 hours, the sweetness and serenity, peace and piety derived from the celebration of the birth of The Savior of Christendom gives way to deranged, drunken debauchery, washed away in a cascade of champagne and myriad other intoxicants, with lechery left to reign in the wave's wake.

And every year, it serves to make me sad. So, at this time of year, you can pop the cork on that bottle of Brut and grope the gal you just met 45 minutes ago, but I'll take the Baby Jesus over baby new year, thank you very much.

Ted's top five PE tracks featuring Flavor Flav on lead vocals

1. Can't Do Nuttin' for Ya Man
2. Cold Lampin' With Flavor
3. Too Much Posse
4. Megablast
5. 911 Is a Joke

A Civil Servant Sort-Of Look-Alike

The new mayor-elect of Houston, Annise Parker...

and the mayor of TV's South Park

I wonder...

Now that Houston has become the largest U. S. city to elect an openly gay mayor, will all those big concert tours that always book Austin and Dallas, but routinely bypass our fair city, now start scheduling dates here?

I wonder...

In these oh so trying times...

I think it would behoove us to look to the wisdom found in these words of Reverend Run: "'cause Calvin Klein is no friend of mine... Don't want nobody's name on my behind."

Just think about that for a moment... think about it.

UGH!

Watching the Texans-Jags game... and thanks to the those profoundly stupid Levis ads, the sickeningly spirited iPod spots, the Southwest Airlines "Bags Fly Free" rap and the just plain irritating Amazon Kindle jingle, my advertisement annoyance factor (otherwise known as AAF) for the day is waaaaaaay off the chart.

I may have to hurt someone soon.

Greetings from "snowy" Houston, TX!

Ted's Christmas Wish List

• A nice espresso maker
• Playstation 3 with EA Sports FIFA 2010
• A pony
• Peace on Earth
• Piece of fudge... and by "piece", I mean several pounds
• For the New York Rangers to not suck balls
• A really nice German nutcracker... and by "really nice", I mean something that costs no less than $125
• The woman of my dreams
• A house... gonna have to take care of that myself, I fear
• A new job
• A new car
• A new liver
• A membership to the "Gourd of the Month" club
• A superpower... specifically, the ability to, at will, make people crap their pants
• Anticipating that I won't get the woman of my dreams (damn it), a membership to the "Hooker of the Month" club
• A cure for genital warts... for the good of all mankind, not for myself, mind you
• The collected works of JK Rowling... that should make for a lovely bonfire... HEY, YOU... MY 47 YEAR OLD COWORKER... THE BOOKS ARE FOR KIDS, YOU MORON!!!
• A return to college football prominence by the service academies
• Jared Fogle's fat jockey shorts
• Will Ferrell's head on a platter
• To be able to drink as much beer as I care to without having to worry about it's devastating impact upon my weight
• To be able to eat as much cheese as I care to without having to worry about it's devastating impact upon my weight
• An iPod, I guess... I guess I should finally play technogadget catch-up
• A street sweeper shotgun
• A joyous and holy Christmas 2009... and for my family, friends and myself to all be happy and healthy for Christmas 2010

Perhaps I am a fool...

and, Lord knows, I've been accused of being just that on an occasion or 312. That being said, I must confess that sometimes, it's a much more satisfying self-stroke of my ego (which is considerable) to leave it rather than take it.

Out with the old... in with the new...

I previously showed off the "seasonal arrangement" I threw together to spruce up my desk at work...

Well, with Thanksgiving just passed, the Christmas / winter season is officially upon us, so I present to you my new "seasonal arrangement"...

Dope, huh? The desk reference set and ESPN mic flag are not actually part of the arrangement, by the way, just desk clutter.

Come on... really??? Another Celebrity Sort-Of Look-Alike!

Quirky actor Rainn Wilson...


and storyteller and satirist Garrison Keillor

Yet another sign that Armageddon will soon be upon us...

Yup.

Well, if you lose a piece, I guess you can sniff it out...

I will readily admit to being a Yankee Candle foof to the point of being ridiculous, but, in my opinion, THIS stinks of being a sign of the Apocalypse...

Yes, Yankee Candle SCENTED PUZZLES!!!

From "The Badger Song"

Out in the woods
Up to no good
I wanna make friends with the badger

The woodchuck likes me
We smoke PCP
I wanna make friends with the badger
I mean it!
I wanna make friends with the badger
For real!
I wanna make friends with the
Wanna make friends with the
Wanna make friends with the badger

Get drunk with owls
Drop acid with cows
I wanna make friends with the badger

Golden MySpace Classics... Texas' Citadel of Stupidity's Greatest Hits, Vol. 12

Original post date: June 20, 2007 - Wednesday

The streets will flow red with the blood of the poor bastards I happen upon!

Certain things make me want to indiscriminately murder random people. Some of them are:

--Those Dr. Scholl's "I'm gellin'" commercials

--Listening to/watching Stuart Scott

--Strawberry milk

--ANY mention of Paris F'ing Hilton (may she be shanked in jail)

--News managers

--The "music" of Dave Matthews Band

--The voices in my head... WHEN they insist on reciting the poetry of Ogden Nash

--People who insist on talking endlessly about how their golf game is these days

--When people repeatedly make the quotation marks gesture with their fingers

--Ill-tempered Chihuahuas that tremble and bark incessantly (actually, that makes me want to murder the dog)

--Automaker advertisements that use a six second snippet of a popular song that happens to be applicable to their product and loop it over and over AND OVER AGAIN

--When athletes insist that "it's not about the money" (okay, that makes me want to murder the athlete's agent)

--Having to suffer the company of Kentuckians

--Mixed drinks in which Red Bull is used as a mixer

--When drive-thru attendants screw up my order, regardless of how simple it is or how hard I tried to clearly articulate it, because, quite frankly, they just don't give a shit.

For the love of God...

has it really come to this??? We live in a country, a world where THIS is newsworthy?!?!?

Miley Cyrus Offers Hip-Hop Kiss-Off To Twitter

Miley Cyrus (and don't think for a moment that I don't deeply rue and lament the fact that I even know who this person is) has made a rap video to explain why she has deleted her Twitter account... and posted said video to YouTube.

Lord, just go ahead and hit us with Armageddon, please!

With LSU and Florida facing off this weekend...

I thought now would be as an appropriate a time as any to bring up this...

Yes, that is State of Texas-issued, collegiate custom license plate for LOUISIANA STATE UNIVERSITY... available NOW on the TxDOT website! I realize our state is overrun with LSU alumni (and exponentially more people who went there for a semester before, due to academic and/or criminal concerns, being invited to leave)... and that about 90% of LSU's two-deep roster is comprised of Texas high school football talent, but STILL... this just seems weird to me.

BRING IT BACK!!!

I'm not what one might consider "much into" activism... perhaps I've had too easy, too comfortable a life... whatever, I apologize for nothing. Anyway, back on point (wow, I managed to derail myself in the very first sentence)... I am seriously considering stirring up some manner of grass-roots campaign (or perhaps something more "persuasive") to petition Kraft Foods to bring back the very best product they've ever produced, a product they inexplicably ceased manufacturing back in 2008... the garlic cheese roll...

I want my garlic cheese-stuffed dill pickles, damn it, and I'm not above using violent means to get them!

Okay, I guess you'd call this a sort-of Celebrity Sort-Of Look-Alike

This one involves a historical figure and an inanimate object...

Joseph Merrick, the so-called elephant man...


...and this gourd.

Okay, I sincerely apologize for this one.

Adieu, summertime!!!

I just put together this festive arrangement... I will be placing it on my desk at work tomorrow. It's my way of welcoming my favorite time of year, fall/winter (which, come December in Houston, means an invigorating chill in the 75 degree air)... it also means my coworkers will have yet another example of "less-than-hetero" behavior on my part with which to have fun.

Ummm...

Proudly Bringing Houston the Finest and Runniest Foods the World has to Offer for over 25 Years

"In the interest of full disclosure" is not a concept that serves my best interests well...

Maybe I should remove the part about it burning when I pee from my eHarmony personality profile.

"Are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses?" --Ebenezer Scrooge

With each passing day, I find myself increasingly convinced that the further we travel down this road of bailouts and "toxic asset" relief, the more and more likely we are to arrive at a destination with droves of the American citizenry being sent to some sort of Dickensian debtors prison...

I'm just sayin'.

I think I'll seek a second opinion

So, I took my mom to an MRI / diagnostic facility this morning to have a couple of procedures performed. Upon signing in, she was asked to fill out some paperwork, including a recent medical history form. Here is one of the questions (fourth line down) from said form...

Ummm... mom made it through her visit without any complications, but after seeing this, I'm ain't so sure I would've has been comforble with them people poking on me.

Southern Yummies!

Garlic cheese grits, topped with a soft-boiled egg! :-)

John 3:16

With filmmaker John Hughes having died unexpectedly today, a friend/coworker/contemporary of mine, John C., and I were chatting about him... and the many films he made that were and will always be significant to those of us that grew up in the '80's. My friend John made the point that John Hughes is our generation's John Ford... a pretty valid point, I thought. Of course, John Ford was known for his many collaborations with John Wayne. In reflecting upon John Hughes, it occurred to me that he featured John Candy in many of his films... so, as we consider John Hughes as our generation's John Ford, as my friend John asserted, it would follow that John Candy was John Hughes' John Wayne.

It eventually dawned on me that I was dealing with a lot of Johns (insert hooker joke here).

The long-awaited, eagerly-anticipated return of Ted's awful, awful Haiku

Into the abyss
Of insecurity, dread
Fear and fright... Dating

Duck, duck, GOOSE... duck, duck
What a stupid, stupid game
Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck...

Tapioca, ma'am?
Just being nice... so why'd she
Kick me in the balls?

House is empty now
Not a home with such a void
We drank all the beer

From "Peter Bazooka"

Tuesday - yes, it was Tuesday
When I saw my congressman coming out of the titty bar
He didn't look like my congressman, but that's okay
Nobody really looks like themselves anymore
I think its got something to do with that crap
They've been pouring into the water
I decided it might be wise to follow the congressman
Just to see what he was up to.
After all, my tax dollars do pay his salary.
The congressman got into a taxi, so I hailed a taxi
Despite the obvious dangers involved
And the colored voices in my head began to sing:

All I gotta do is put my ear to the wall
And I can hear it all, yes I can hear it all
All I gotta do is put my ear to the wall
And I can even hear the little insects crawl

And so it begins...

Texans training camp kicked off this morning...

Friends, family... I'll see you guys in January. :-(

"A man content to go to Heaven alone will never go to Heaven." --Boethius

Well, shit... If that's the case, I guess I should brace myself for a rather warm eternity.

According to yet another wacky list of "The Best..." such and such from the fine folks at Forbes.com, Houston is the nation's 25th best city for singles. Alas, in this capacity, we apparently find ourselves the inferior of such romantic locales as Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Providence, Cleveland and Milwaukee. So... I guess I could actually get a date were I to move to Rhode Island?

Well, shit...

Golden MySpace Classics... Texas' Citadel of Stupidity's Greatest Hits, Vol. 11

Original post date: October 16, 2007 - Tuesday

There is a French proverb that says...

..."no one is so generous as he who has nothing to give".

So, a couple of weeks ago I'm on the bus, heading into town to have my bikini zone tidied up, just like I do the first Tuesday of every warm, sunny month... and as usual, I've brought along one of those little "rainy day" projects that you normally do around the house... nothing of earth-shattering importance, just one of those mundane little tasks you've been meaning to get done for longer than you care to admit. Provided it's not too complicated, a trek of any duration aboard public transportation is a great opportunity to complete, or at least put a dent in, such assiduous little chores! Besides, I'm the squirrelly type anyway... I need something to occupy my attention. Anyway, so there I am on the bus...

Despite making a point to busy myself, I had taken notice of the guy that had taken a seat across from me when he first boarded our common conveyance, probably three or four stops after I had. Beyond the fact that he was the only other passenger on the bus, the first thing that struck me about him was that he was dressed in quite a few layers for such a warm day. He even seemed to be huddling for warmth as he enveloped himself in his long topcoat. He was well-groomed, but overtly nervous, in such a way that made it seem that he might be experiencing some sort of physical withdrawal... this made him appear somewhat haggard to me, despite his manicuring. Though I had allocated enough of my attention to him to fashion such observations, I failed to pay him much heed beyond that as I refocused myself upon the tedium at hand. Almost immediately thereafter, though I was now aware of his presence, he was as much on my mind as he had been before he hopped on the bus... and it continued to be that way... until he spoke to me.

It may have been two minutes... it may have been twenty, so engrossed was I with my mindless little job that I had no clue how long he had been sitting across the aisle, facing me. His first words were almost jarring as they snapped me out of my trance-like state of occupation. I looked up to see him still seated, but leaning forward towards me, in an effort to lesson the distance between us, both physically and personally, it occurs to me now. He spoke quietly, pain reverberating in his soft, desperate voice.

"Hey, buddy... I hate to bother you like this, but could you please lend me a quarter?" he asked sheepishly.

I just stared back at him... silent.

"C'mon man... I really hate to be a pain in the ass," he said as he began to plead, "I really gotta make a phone call and there's a payphone at this next stop. You look like a good guy... hows about helping me out?"

"I don't have a quarter," I replied, surprising myself with the coldness and emotional distance with which I engaged the obviously tormented individual.

"Don't have a quarter???" he shrieked, his visage taking on a rather maniacal quality, "What the hell do you mean you don't have a quarter??? Come on, man... please just give me a quarter and I'll leave you alone. I promise!"

I continued to look back at him, expressionless. "Look... I'd like to help you out. I really would. I just don't have a quarter."

At this point, he shot out of his seat. "Well, fuck you then, you jackass! What the hell is wrong with you anyway?" he screamed, flailing his limbs about. "People like you... don't give a shit about..."

He never finished his harangue... before he could, I lunged at him and stuck him flush on his jaw with my right fist. He dropped to the floor and lay there motionless.

Maybe I feared for my well-being and let a rush of adrenaline get the best of me... I don't really know why I did it. For several moments, I stood over the unconscious heap at my feet. I knew he was still alive as I could see his torso expand and contract as he drew breath normally. Despite the ferocity of my punch, he didn't even seem to be bleeding.

I took a deep breath and exhaled as I looked up at the bus' graffiti-covered ceiling. Convinced that this poor soul was not in need of immediate medical attention, I sat back down and resumed rolling my quarters.

Today...

I think I'll partake in an invigorating 45 minute session of Tai Chi... and then cool down with a smart, refreshing iced Chai tea.

No.

Here's a weird one...

Indulging in some good old fashioned time-wasting... I'm looking at aerial images of my hometown (the lovely metropoils of Katy, Texas) on Google Maps. I scoot over from my folks' house to a bird's-eye view (if the bird were flying really, really high in the sky) of Jack F. Rhodes Stadium, home of the six-time Texas state football champion mighty Katy Tigers... anyway, here is said map, showing Rhodes Stadium... the facility is incorrectly indentified, in a most amusing way...


View Larger Map

Yes, Enron Field... once the nomenclature of the Astros' home ballpark, before, of course, all the corporate corruption wackiness. I wonder how in the world a high school football stadium 35 miles from downtown Houston would be misindentified in such a way.

For what it's worth... Google Maps DOES have the Astros' ballpark correctly identified as Minute Maid Park.

Ted's Soft Taco Bar

This is actually from a couple of weeks back... been meaning to post it, but (obviously) just getting around to it. Took some lovely home grown peppers from the garden... red and green serranos (seeded and chopped), a big, green bell pepper (ditto)... gave 'em a sweat in a skillet with some chopped sweet yellow onion... after they cooked down a bit, threw in some Morningstar Farms Meal Starter Crumbles (beef substitute) and seasoning... got my flour tortillas, lettuce, chopped tomato, sour cream and some lovely, crumbly La Vaquita queso fresco Mexicano... voila... soft taco bar!!!

Shit was good!

It just doesn't even begin to work...

I'm a big Lou Reed fan, and I love this song, but I have to say... as far as "unique" duets go, this is one of the very worst I can recall...

I have to admit...

So, I'm at work today, wearing one of my favorite shirts... one that I rarely bring out... please see below...


Anyway, a coworker comes up to me and asks me, "Um... did a peacock throw up on you?"

Gotta give him credit... it was pretty funny.

Ted's Choice for the Single-Best Simpsons Line Ever

The second episode of season seven (Sept. '95) titled "Radioactive Man"... courtesy of Rainier Wolfcastle, as he is washed away by a raging torrent of acid: My eyes... the goggles do nothing!!!

Whimsical Personifications for All!!!

Christmas has Santa Claus (oh... and Jesus, too)... Easter has the Easter Bunny (oh... and Jesus, too)... Martin Luther King, Jr Day has Martin Luther King, Jr... Halloween has Joy Behar... These beloved events all have their symbols, lifelike beings that embody the occasions... and often transcend the holidays themselves. But what of Labor Day... what of Chanukah??? Feeling that these other worthy holidays should not be further neglected, should not have to go without, I've decided to give them their due... and provide each with a figure to personify the celebration...

• Chanukah: Menorah Maury
• Labor Day: The reanimated Jimmy Hoffa
• Earth Day: Granola Bill, the filthy, unkempt hippie
• April Fools Day: The disemboweled corpse of Will Ferrell
• Fathers' Day: Shawn Kemp
• Thanksgiving Day: Takeru Kobayashi
• New Year's Day: Hungover Joey, the extraordinarily light-sensitive puking machine
• St. Valentine's Day: Shawn Kemp

Enjoying a Bountiful Harvest!

So, a couple of my serrano peppers had taken on a nice blush... they were picked and given another day, getting nice and red over that duration. I seeded them and chopped them up, along with some sweet yellow onion, and gave the peppers and onions a nice sweat in a pan. While cooking those down, I beat three eggs with some shredded cheese, half-and-half, minced garlic, chopped tomato, S&P and some freshly picked Italian parsley... got the egg mixture in the pan and scrambled them up with the peppers and onions. Served them with a toasted bagel and cream cheese.


Nothing particularly impressive, I know... it's just cool making a meal from food you've grown yourself... and it was quite good!

Ode to a Goat

Helloooooooo, goat...
Hello furry little beard
Graze... shit... faint...
Picky eater, you ain't
Love the chevre though

What the world needs now...

is an exciting and new (and by that, I mean awful and inappropriate) children's show host... here are a few suggestions...

• Timothy "Red" Tinkles (has a terrible bladder infection)
• Cowboy Bob and his sidekick Tumbleweed (unapologetic anti-Semites)
• Infectious Chet (duh)
• Al Gore
• Bobby the Badger (rabid)
• Paris Hilton (ditto)
• Li'l Jamaal (L.A. Crip)
• Bozo the Clown (the original... in his current condition)
• Adolf and Heinrich (too sugary)
• Bus Depot Jim (hygiene issues)
• Sparky Sal (encourages children to stick items in electrical outlets)

And last, but not least... say it with me, everybody...

• Michael Jackson

Were I forced to choose between the two...

I would, after much agonizing, have to go with Pucky the Whale...

over Fudgy the Whale...

Happy birthday...

TO ME!!!

For no reason in particular...

BEZ DANCE!!!

FEAR THE PHALANX OF GUMMI!!!

I love me some cultures!

I enjoy yogurt... I enjoy it a great deal. That being established, I've noticed that ALL yogurt advertising is geared towards women. The more I think about it, I can't recall ever even seeing a male in any capacity in yogurt-related promotions. Come on... it's yogurt, not douche, for God's sake.

Oh, well... guess this is yet another matter over which I will develop some sort of unhealthy complex.

I like Mates of State

Such a disappointment...

Tyler Perry does a cameo in the new Star Trek film... and DOESN'T wear a fat suit.


Tsk, tsk, Tyler... you should dance with who brung ya!

Golden MySpace Classics... Texas' Citadel of Stupidity's Greatest Hits, Vol. 10

Original post date: July 14, 2007 - Saturday

Do you ever have those days...

...where, for whatever reason... usually something you can't really place your finger on, you just feel pretty? Well, I don't. Now don't get me wrong... I fancy myself quite the lovely specimen of humanity... but pretty?

How to remedy this? Perhaps if I shaved more frequently than seven times a year... maybe a nice designer fragrance...

Eh, f*ck it... too damn much work.

AVAILABLE TODAY ON DVD!!!

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus starring Lorenzo Lamas and Deborah Gibson

Dear God, no! Another Sort-Of Celebrity Look-Alike!!!

Los Angeles Lakers young center, Andrew Bynum...


and Mykelti Williamson's "Bubba" character from Forrest Gump

For God's sake...

This is an item transcribed from a recent local newscast...

HERE'S ANOTHER REASON WHY KIDS SHOULD SLIM DOWN... A NEW STUDY SAYS OBESE CHILDREN AND TEENS ARE AT GREATER RISK FOR ALLERGIES -- ESPECIALLY FOOD-RELATED ONES. THAT'S COMPARED TO THEIR NORMAL-WEIGHT PEERS. WHILE RESEARCHERS SAY THERE'S LITTLE DOUBT OF A LINK BETWEEN THE OBESITY AND ALLERGIES, THERE IS NO EVIDENCE YET THAT PROVES ONE ACTUALLY CAUSES THE OTHER. STUDY AUTHORS HOPE THE FINDINGS PROVIDE ADDED MOTIVATION FOR TACKLING THE CHALLENGE OF REDUCING CHILDHOOD OBESITY.

Really? REALLY???

Yes, either the worst study ever OR the worst news writing ever.

GOD BLESS YOU, DON CHERRY!!!

FREAKING BEAUTIFUL!!!

Religious Vanity Plates!!!

THAT IS ONE FABULOUS MOHEL!!!

Is it just me...

...or do Bret Baier of Fox News Channel...

...and Rob McElhenney of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia kind of resemble characters from Rankin/Bass holiday productions???

Hmmmmmmmmmmm???

Ted's Favorite Hockey Injuries!

This is the aftermath of a sharp skate blade across the face... In November, 1986, Toronto Maple Leafs defenseman Borje Salming suffered this injury in a game against the Detroit Red Wings... piecing the Swedish star's face back together required over 200 stitches

March, 1989... Buffalo Sabres goaltender Clint Malarchuk was involved in a collision with Steve Tuttle of the St. Louis Blues... Tuttle's skate caught Malarchuk's neck and severed his carotid artery (another fun angle!!!), resulting in a severe loss of blood... fortunately for Malarchuk, the Sabres' athletic trainer, Jim Pizzutelli, was a former army medic and was able to pinch the artery, cutting off the bleeding and saving Malarchuk's life

Finally... this isn't one particular injury, but rather a snapshot of a hall of fame career... Terry Sawchuk, a goaltender who suited up for five NHL franchises but is best remembered for his days with Detroit, played over ten years without any sort of facial protection... the result being more than 600 stitches and a distinct visage for Sawchuk (who died in 1970 at the age at 40 from injuries incurred in a fight with New York Rangers teammate Ron Stewart... Stewart was never charged with any crime)

I was watching "Posse" on AMC earlier today...

and it was quite sad seeing so many from the film that are no longer with us... Nipsey Russell, Isaac Hayes... the careers of Mario Van Peebles, Stephen Baldwin, Blair Underwood, Billy Zane, Pam Grier, Big Daddy Kane, Tone Loc...

So, the NBA playoffs are here...

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNN!

Time to pass the torch

Now that John Madden has decided to hang it up as an NFL analyst, I think it's also time for him to consider passing the billion-dollar EA Sports video game franchise, Madden NFL, into a current analyst's capable hands. I'd love to see Solomon Wilcots NFL 2010!

From "Beach Party Vietnam"

It's a beach party Vietnam
Surfin' with the Viet Cong
Cookin' hot dogs with napalm
A beach party Vietnam

Frankie and Annette were
Layin' on the sand
When Frank got a letter
From his Uncle Sam
It said: Get Moon Dog and
All your friends
You're all invited to a...

Beach party Vietnam
Surfin' with the Viet Cong
Cookin' hot dogs with napalm
A beach party Vietnam

- Hey Frankie, aren't you gonna give me youur class ring?
- Oh I'm afraid I can't do that, Annette
- Why not?
- 'Cause I don't have any arms! (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!)

Ummmmmmmmm...

From your friends at Eternal Image (a division of Wham-O, if I'm not mistaken), "Precious Moments" urns and caskets.

Death (hey, do moments get any more precious than death?) has never been soooooooooo cute!!!

I'm sorry, but...

I don't think Jackie Robinson would be particularly fond of every single player in uniform in every game played today (the 62nd anniversary of his breaking Major league Baseball's "color barrier") wearing number 42... in his honor. I've read quite a bit about the man... I just feel he might find such a gesture way over the top.

Now, a mock court martial in his memory...

Golden MySpace Classics... Texas' Citadel of Stupidity's Greatest Hits, Vol. 9

Original post date: June 26, 2007 - Tuesday

Some of Ted's Favorite Quotes... ENJOY!

"It is better to be feared than loved, if one cannot be both." --Niccolo Machiavelli

"The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs." --Charles de Gaulle

"Work is the curse of the drinking class." --Oscar Wilde

"The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled." --Plutarch

"Those who hate you don't win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself." --Richard M. Nixon

"What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others." --Pericles

"Some people are dumb." --Butt-head

"All of us might wish at times that we lived in a more tranquil world, but we don't. And if our times are difficult and perplexing, so are they challenging and filled with opportunity." --Robert F. Kennedy

"Mmmmmmmm... beeeeer." --Homer Simpson

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." --Carl Jung

"When we went back to the dressing room after the game, that parrot was dead." --Archie Manning

"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum." --Nada (played by Roddy Piper) in They Live


PROFOUND!!!

Veggie Sliders!

Portobello mushrooms, sweet yellow onion, red, green and yellow bell peppers and poblano peppers hickory grilled and served on grill-toasted rolls with provolone and spicy mayo...

Turned out pretty well... nice smoky / sweet combo!

They say,

"You can't have your cake and eat it too." If "have your cake" implies that one would make love to their cake before eating it, this is probably a good thing.

I wonder...

How many people under the age of 30 are aware that searchlights were, over the last century-plus, vital instruments in times of war, used to spot enemy vessels and aircraft... and not, in fact, merely developed as tools to promote the opening of a nightclub or the new Hannah Montana film?

I wonder.

I don't know that my faith in mankind can continue to survive such blows...

This Tyler Perry person, of whom I had never heard until last year when, out of nowhere, his name was suddenly affixed to every television or film production involving black folks in fat suits or badly made up to look old (hasn't Eddie Murphy already about worn out this "comedic" device???), apparently made $125 M last year... ONE HUNDRED TWENTY FUCKING FIVE MILLION DOLLARS!!! A cable tv comedy (ahem) series, a couple of films (rated 3.2 and 2.9 out of 10 stars by the film fans of IMDB.com) and what else I cannot tell you... and here's 125 mil for your troubles. For God's sake, Will Ferrell (who I would not so much as piss on were he set aflame) only made $31 M.

America... you continue to disappoint me with increasing, and alarming, frequency.

I've also learned...

that working consecutive 60 hour weeks is not conducive to being a productive blogger.

WOO HOO!!!

HAPPY OPENING DAY, EVERYONE!!! :-)

ENOUGH, DAMN IT!!!

For the last time, MTV (and VH1... and any other crappy media outlet that insists on compiling such lists)... Sir Mix-A-Lot is NOT a so-called "One-Hit Wonder". In fact, I'm rather confident that amongst us, the fans, Baby Got Back isn't even close to the top of the list of what we consider to be Mix-A-Lot's best. In support of this assertion, I submit two videos... My Hooptie (no less than an anthem for those of us that drove beat up whips back in the day) and the seminal Posse on Broadway...





SWASS!!!

How does my garden grow?

Here's the rollcall for my new herb garden...

German Thyme
Basil
Cilantro
Rosemary
Pineapple Sage
Garlic Chives
Oregano
Curry
Italian Parsley
Dill
Tarragon
Mint
Chamomile
Pennyroyal (to keep the bugs away!)

Looking forward to cooking my fat ass off when these puppies get big!

It's been forty years, Whitey, but they finally finished the job.

Former Patriots / Bills / Broncos head coach Lou Saban passed away today at the age of 87. What, you may ask, would be considered the consummate moment of his 16 year NFL coaching career? Well, while coaching for Denver in the late 60's, a mic'ed-up and exasperated Saban provided one of the all-time classic NFL Films clips when he wheeled around to assistant coach Bill "Whitey" Dovell and proclaimed, "They're killing me, Whitey! They're killing me!!!"

R.I.P., Coach Saban...

Full of sound and fury signifying nothing...

The people responsible for the artificial noise at sporting events should all be rounded up, incarcerated and tortured... and those that must answer for the dissonant din at NBA games, well, they deserve to be tortured to death. Now, I'm not talking about the organ music at a baseball game or something along the lines of a cannon blast or air raid siren set off after the home team scores a touchdown... these are a part of "the sounds of the game", both traditional and cool. No, I'm speaking of the countless canned cacophonous clips that are played endlessly and for no apparent reason... recorded chants meant to get the crowd going: "defense... defense..." or "Go, (insert team here)! Go!"... twenty second clips of the latest popular, yet unlistenable, rap / dance song... buzzing bees, race car engines roaring, wacky boing-clang-wahwahwah sound effects... ALL GARBAGE!!!

Who let the dogs out??? Who, indeed?!?

One Boring Moment...

For the first time in my life as a sports fan, I have absolutely zero interest in the NCAA basketball tournament... none, zilch, nada, bupkus. I just don't give a damn this year.

That Old Black Magic (has me in its spell)

It may sound like a strange combination, maybe it is, but I've grown very fond of this assembly when looking for a nosh... toasted bagel halves with a light spread of cream cheese and dill pickle planks. Perhaps it is odd, but I find it to be the nicest marriage of tangy and creamy since Louis Prima and Keely Smith.

"Men, as a whole, judge more with their eyes than with their hands." -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Perhaps, ol' HWL was off-base on this one...

I was watching the junior market steer show at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo last night. The protocol for selecting the champion steer goes as such... a single judge, just a few yards away from the finalists, saunters along the herd, looking each steer over (much like a judge in a dog show)... upon reaching a decision, the judge approaches their choice and discloses the winner by lightly slapping it on the rump (and much rejoicing ensues).

As I am sick in the head, a thought occurred to me... this would be an awesome way to reveal the victors in beauty pageants! "And Miss America 2009 is... [SMACK!!!] Miss Missouri, Bunny Fluffytail!!!" How great would it be to see the emcee stroll up and place a proper pop on the well-formed posterior of America's instant-new-favorite busty, toothy beauty?!? What a coronation that would be!

From "Methodist Coloring Book"

God is gracious, God is good
So let's color in His book
God wears cotton, God wears rayon
He can mend a broken crayon
God is honest, He don't take payola
Let's all thank Him for our crayolas
You've got a Methodist Coloring book
And you color really well
But don't color outside the lines
Or God will send you to Hell.

Golden MySpace Classics... Texas' Citadel of Stupidity's Greatest Hits, Vol. 8

Original post date: December 5, 2006 - Tuesday

It's all a matter of perspective

So, a person very near and dear to me recently told me that the world needed more people like me.

I told her that if there were more people like me in this world, we would experience a serious shortage of fat pants, and nothing good could possibly come of that.

She didn't understand.

ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE CELEBRITY SORT-OF LOOK-ALIKES!!!

Sorry... can't help myself! :-)

The late, great rocker, Freddie Mercury...



...and the "Bennett" character from the Schwartzenegger classic Commando.



"C'mon, Bennett... let's party."

Not that I've ever claimed that my diet is what you might call low-cal...

but in 27 months of strict, no-exception ovo-lacto vegetarianism, my waist size has increased by EIGHT FREAKING INCHES...

EIGHT!!!

I wonder if the nine gallons of beer I consume weekly might have any bearing on this development.

And it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I'm a vegetarian...

The Hillshire Farm spots for their line of meat products constitute the very worst advertising I've ever seen for deli-related items...







Awful... just awful.

Yet Another Celebrity Sort-Of Look-Alike!!!

New Houston Rockets point guard Kyle Lowry...



...and former rapper / current man of God, Ma$e