Not sure how I feel about this...

should I be happy that I was, by far, the least-fat person in the busy plus-size clothing store... or should I be upset about the fact that I was shopping at the fat guy shop to begin with?

Hmmm...

In the year of Our Lord, 2011...

I resolve to:

• exercise moderation in the pursuit of all things, particularly the quality of being moderate
• give a Dutch oven to a Dutch girl
• eat less cheese / destroy fewer commodes
• give without any thought of reciprocity, especially in instances of ass-kickings and STDs
• not rage violently about things such as cyclists, democrats, the New York Rangers, Texas' sodomy laws, the Amish, the lack of good bagel shops in Houston, my ever-increasing volume of ear hair, etc...
• see at least five films in theatrical release (the gauntlet is thrown... bring it on, Hollywood)
• make every effort as one man to bring parachute pants back into style
• be less overtly gassy in the company of friends and family (NEVER gonna happen)
• write more
• put more effort into grooming myself
• put more effort into grooming my dog
• put more effort into grooming the lawn
• put more effort into becoming a groom (grooming myself will hopefully help towards this end)
• be a bigger bad ass than I was in 2010 (a tall order, indeed)
• be more resolute

I swear to you all...

I lose another 100 pounds and I'm gettin' myself an ensemble not wholly unlike the one worn by Simon LeBon in the video for "Rio"!

A discourse...

on the matter of gastronomy...

CONCERNED FRIEND: Hey... did you get another haircut... or have you lost some weight?

ME: Yeah... I've been dieting rather seriously actually... thanks for noticing. I've taken off just under 75 pounds over the last three months.

CONCERNED FRIEND: No shit! Damn... that's awesome! You gotten back in the gym? What are you doing?

ME: I've been walking... done the exercise bike or stair-stepper a few times, but the weight loss has been all due to diet. I've been doing A, B and C.

CONCERNED FRIEND: Really? Well, you know what you should do... try doing X, Y and Z.

((LONG PAUSE))

ME: Well, I'm pretty happy with the way things have gone so far... another 20 or 30 pounds and I'm gonna try to start running again... that should help me take the weight off even more rapidly. We'll see how it goes.

CONCERNED FRIEND: (HAVING COMPLETELY IGNORED THE PREVIOUS STATEMENT) You know, if you do X, Y and Z... and you drink some black tea at 10:47 in the morning, then, some green tea at precisely 3:17 in the afternoon... and right before you go to bed, do three shots of tequila and follow that with a healthy blood-letting, man... that weight will start really coming off!

((LONGER PAUSE))

ME: I'll talk to you later.

I think I'll seek a second opinion

So, I took my mom to an MRI / diagnostic facility this morning to have a couple of procedures performed. Upon signing in, she was asked to fill out some paperwork, including a recent medical history form. Here is one of the questions (fourth line down) from said form...

Ummm... mom made it through her visit without any complications, but after seeing this, I'm ain't so sure I would've has been comforble with them people poking on me.

For God's sake...

This is an item transcribed from a recent local newscast...

HERE'S ANOTHER REASON WHY KIDS SHOULD SLIM DOWN... A NEW STUDY SAYS OBESE CHILDREN AND TEENS ARE AT GREATER RISK FOR ALLERGIES -- ESPECIALLY FOOD-RELATED ONES. THAT'S COMPARED TO THEIR NORMAL-WEIGHT PEERS. WHILE RESEARCHERS SAY THERE'S LITTLE DOUBT OF A LINK BETWEEN THE OBESITY AND ALLERGIES, THERE IS NO EVIDENCE YET THAT PROVES ONE ACTUALLY CAUSES THE OTHER. STUDY AUTHORS HOPE THE FINDINGS PROVIDE ADDED MOTIVATION FOR TACKLING THE CHALLENGE OF REDUCING CHILDHOOD OBESITY.

Really? REALLY???

Yes, either the worst study ever OR the worst news writing ever.

Ted's Favorite Hockey Injuries!

This is the aftermath of a sharp skate blade across the face... In November, 1986, Toronto Maple Leafs defenseman Borje Salming suffered this injury in a game against the Detroit Red Wings... piecing the Swedish star's face back together required over 200 stitches

March, 1989... Buffalo Sabres goaltender Clint Malarchuk was involved in a collision with Steve Tuttle of the St. Louis Blues... Tuttle's skate caught Malarchuk's neck and severed his carotid artery (another fun angle!!!), resulting in a severe loss of blood... fortunately for Malarchuk, the Sabres' athletic trainer, Jim Pizzutelli, was a former army medic and was able to pinch the artery, cutting off the bleeding and saving Malarchuk's life

Finally... this isn't one particular injury, but rather a snapshot of a hall of fame career... Terry Sawchuk, a goaltender who suited up for five NHL franchises but is best remembered for his days with Detroit, played over ten years without any sort of facial protection... the result being more than 600 stitches and a distinct visage for Sawchuk (who died in 1970 at the age at 40 from injuries incurred in a fight with New York Rangers teammate Ron Stewart... Stewart was never charged with any crime)

Not that I've ever claimed that my diet is what you might call low-cal...

but in 27 months of strict, no-exception ovo-lacto vegetarianism, my waist size has increased by EIGHT FREAKING INCHES...

EIGHT!!!

I wonder if the nine gallons of beer I consume weekly might have any bearing on this development.

I hate moving...

This is not as much about that fact that moving is a nightmarish pain in the ass, but rather that whenever I move, or help someone else move, I am immediately made intensely aware of just how very out of shape I am. There's nothing quite like the feeling one gets after carrying three pillows up one flight of stairs and being subsequently winded for the following five minutes.

If only one could get / stay in shape by drinking gallons and gallons of beer.

So... you think I should get a tea cozy for this thing?

Okay... let's do some math!

What do you get when you add my life-long struggle with allergies / sinus issues with my generally gullible nature and propensity for saying "Hey, isn't that neat!" about the latest health fad du jour??? Well, you get this...



Yes, three days ago, I actually purchased one of these things. It, like most anything else you've never heard of before, is said to have originated in the far east, where it has been practiced for thousands of years. Even if it didn't set my soul at ease or help to balance my two hemispheres (this is actually quite applicable to me as I've become increasingly orb-like in recent years), I thought it might, at least, help me keep some bats out of the caves (that would be boogers). Well, three days into it, I guess it's helping a little. To this point, I've yet to quite master the technique. I'm a little better going into the right nostril and out the left... vice-versa and I end up with most of the runoff down the front of my shirt (I think my mustache carries the stream astray). I also still have a little trouble with he water trying to run down my throat and into my mouth, but we'll keep plugging away, this I promise you all!

What was the point of sharing all this? Oh yeah... I'm about one more similar violation away from having my man card permanently revoked.