And so it begins...

"Alright... reverse gears!" A reference to one of my favorite moments from Bill Cosby's concert film Himself... a bit where he's ruminating about the human constitution's reaction to over-imbibing.

"Alright... reverse gears!" Also, a line I find wholly appropriate in describing the annual philosophical change in the collective American mindset that takes place every December 26th. Ah, the duplicity of the holiday season... the masks of comedy and tragedy as apt for this time of year as they are the theatre.

In a matter of 24 hours, the sweetness and serenity, peace and piety derived from the celebration of the birth of The Savior of Christendom gives way to deranged, drunken debauchery, washed away in a cascade of champagne and myriad other intoxicants, with lechery left to reign in the wave's wake.

And every year, it serves to make me sad. So, at this time of year, you can pop the cork on that bottle of Brut and grope the gal you just met 45 minutes ago, but I'll take the Baby Jesus over baby new year, thank you very much.

Ted's Christmas Wish List

• A nice espresso maker
• Playstation 3 with EA Sports FIFA 2010
• A pony
• Peace on Earth
• Piece of fudge... and by "piece", I mean several pounds
• For the New York Rangers to not suck balls
• A really nice German nutcracker... and by "really nice", I mean something that costs no less than $125
• The woman of my dreams
• A house... gonna have to take care of that myself, I fear
• A new job
• A new car
• A new liver
• A membership to the "Gourd of the Month" club
• A superpower... specifically, the ability to, at will, make people crap their pants
• Anticipating that I won't get the woman of my dreams (damn it), a membership to the "Hooker of the Month" club
• A cure for genital warts... for the good of all mankind, not for myself, mind you
• The collected works of JK Rowling... that should make for a lovely bonfire... HEY, YOU... MY 47 YEAR OLD COWORKER... THE BOOKS ARE FOR KIDS, YOU MORON!!!
• A return to college football prominence by the service academies
• Jared Fogle's fat jockey shorts
• Will Ferrell's head on a platter
• To be able to drink as much beer as I care to without having to worry about it's devastating impact upon my weight
• To be able to eat as much cheese as I care to without having to worry about it's devastating impact upon my weight
• An iPod, I guess... I guess I should finally play technogadget catch-up
• A street sweeper shotgun
• A joyous and holy Christmas 2009... and for my family, friends and myself to all be happy and healthy for Christmas 2010

Out with the old... in with the new...

I previously showed off the "seasonal arrangement" I threw together to spruce up my desk at work...

Well, with Thanksgiving just passed, the Christmas / winter season is officially upon us, so I present to you my new "seasonal arrangement"...

Dope, huh? The desk reference set and ESPN mic flag are not actually part of the arrangement, by the way, just desk clutter.

Whimsical Personifications for All!!!

Christmas has Santa Claus (oh... and Jesus, too)... Easter has the Easter Bunny (oh... and Jesus, too)... Martin Luther King, Jr Day has Martin Luther King, Jr... Halloween has Joy Behar... These beloved events all have their symbols, lifelike beings that embody the occasions... and often transcend the holidays themselves. But what of Labor Day... what of Chanukah??? Feeling that these other worthy holidays should not be further neglected, should not have to go without, I've decided to give them their due... and provide each with a figure to personify the celebration...

• Chanukah: Menorah Maury
• Labor Day: The reanimated Jimmy Hoffa
• Earth Day: Granola Bill, the filthy, unkempt hippie
• April Fools Day: The disemboweled corpse of Will Ferrell
• Fathers' Day: Shawn Kemp
• Thanksgiving Day: Takeru Kobayashi
• New Year's Day: Hungover Joey, the extraordinarily light-sensitive puking machine
• St. Valentine's Day: Shawn Kemp

Happy St. Valentine's Day!

I'll be enjoying yet another Valentine's Day in traditional Ted-style... getting off work, going home to a frozen pizza, self-loathing and a sock... but perhaps I've said too much.

Ah, love is in the air.

Hey... We're off to a great start!!!

Nobody dressed up as Baby New Year, went to a holiday gathering and slaughtered a bunch of partygoers, then burned the house down... at least not to my knowledge. Congrats, mankind... 2009 has gotten underway swimmingly!!!

Happy New Year!

"Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man." -Benjamin Franklin

Brown paper packages tied up with strings...

In my days on this world, I've found that I've been blessed with a natural aptitude for a great many things... and beyond this, I've found that if I work at an endeavor, I can, more often than not, pick things up rather well... I'm a pretty quick study. However, neither of these apply when it comes to my gift-wrapping efforts. My parcels usually end up looking like they were prepared by a Parkinson's patient during a magnitude six earthquake. Gift bags and tissue paper are a wonderful crutch upon which I lean heavily, because I don't think it's an overstatement to say that my gift-wrapping makes the baby Jesus cry.

And speaking of our Lord and Savior... HAVE A BLESSED AND MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!!! :-)

"And behold there was a very stately palace before him, the name of which was Beautiful." -John Bunyan

After a five-year hiatus, this week my family (thanks entirely to me) revived a longstanding holiday tradition and took in Houston Ballet's annual production of "The Nutcracker"... and it was wonderful. Behold, the lovely view from Founder's Box 3...



Sorry it's nothing but a curtain shot... they're understandably touchy about people recording images (moving or otherwise) of the actual performance... you know, copyrights and all.

They say it's the thought that counts.

I just saw an advertisement for the Texas Lottery, extolling the virtues of lottery tickets as a great Christmas gift. Lottery tickets... lottery tickets for Christmas. Really? Lottery tickets??? Lottery tickets as a Christmas gift (I'm beginning to feel a bit like Allen Iverson). WHAT AN ABSOLUTELY AWFUL THING TO GIVE AS A CHRISTMAS GIFT!!! Come on... I'm quite certain that giving lottery tickets for Christmas makes the baby Jesus cry.

Just because the holidays are upon us...

EMMET OTTER!!!



:-)

And so it goes...

• I'm 35 years old with 20/10 vision... and I've decided I'd like to start wearing glasses with rose-tinted lenses... or yellow, perhaps.
• The Keynesian nightmare continues as the call for economic interventionism grows ever louder. Communism, here we come! And yet, until the next administration takes power, it appears, at least based on today's hearing before the House Financial Services Committee (chaired by everyone's favorite mischievous little imp, Barney Frank), Congress is prepared to punt Detroit's Big 3... instead of agreeing to drop $25B worth of change in the GM / Ford / Chrysler cup, today saw a chamber full of representatives ready to give the auto-execs the bums rush. And when our elected officials learned that each of the CEOs had travelled to the hearings in their corporate jets, the bipartisan grandstanding was delicious! The antics of wacky Dems Gary Ackerman and Brad Sherman were laugh out loud funny. The smarmy, yet stern, reproach of Texas' own Jeb Hensarling was a squirm-in-your-seat delight of a diatribe... "At what point," the congressman queried, "does Starbucks get in line? Who doesn't get in line for the 700 billion dollars?" OY GEVALT!!! God help us... the end is nigh!
• I was recently watching some ABC Family Channel (oddly enough, with my family) and saw a promo for the upcoming airing of some piece of celluloid-based tripe entitled A Carol Christmas, starring (get this!): Tori Spelling, Gary Coleman... and William Shatner! How in the hell does this shit get made?!?!? Now that steaming turd of a film.... THAT makes the baby Jesus cry!
• I'm already on the season's second tin of three-flavor stale popcorn... and I must admit, it's the cute little Santa kittens / puppies and ice skating cartoon penguins that hook me, not the crappy popcorn. DON'T JUDGE... YOU'RE NO BETTER THAN ME!!!

"There is no more miserable human being than one in whom nothing is habitual but indecision."

That little nugget o' insight from American philosopher William James (godson of Ralph Waldo Emerson, don't ya know).

So, here I sit in front of the computer at my folks' house at 2:03 in the A.M. My sister and brother-in-law's big Halloween gathering is tonight, and, as of yet, I have no costume. Worst case scenario, I can throw on jeans, a sweatshirt, sneakers and a cap and go as the fat drunk in serious need of some major depilatory work... but I'd like to put a little more effort into it. I was thinking I might use the occasion as an excuse to get my hair cut into a mohawk (no early midlife crisis here, gang!), but, alas, the "punk" attire selection at the local Bizarre Bazaar doesn't feature much in the way of plus-sizes. Oh well... here's hoping that sometime in the next 12 hours, the Lord sees fit to bless me with a garment-related epiphany so that I may go out and celebrate the forces of evil in style!

And while we're on the subject of present-day Hall-O-Couture, why are seemingly all women's costumes slutty / sexy this, that or the other??? The sexy cop, the naughty nurse, the whorish harlot, the slutty slut... sheesh! Are we celebrating All Hallows' Eve or attending a Frederick's of Hollywood runway show? I was sharing this particular lament (I'm kind of bad about sharing all my laments... and they are legion. Quite frankly, sometimes I'm surprised that people still allow me to speak to them) with my very lovely friend Alessandra. She, being quite the clever one, is going as a 1920's era "flapper girl". Now Alessandra is an attractive young lady, and I'm quite certain she will be plenty sexy in her guise, but she won't have to dress like a prostitute to achieve said effect.

Maybe I'll grab a white shirt, black slacks... pick up a black vest, toy gun and a six-pack of Stroh's and dress as an "I really let myself go" Han Solo. Eh... HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYBODY!!! :-)

And now your soul is like a whorehouse... so many lovers, but none you can name...

Does anyone else suddenly take pause when, in the midst of mindlessly shucking and consuming the leftover Halloween candy at your parents' house, out of the blue, you contemplate the dozens of grubby little snot-encrusted, booger-picking paws that have thoroughly rummaged through the candy bowl... contaminating the wrapper of every remaining morsel? I do... then I continue unwrapping and cramming fun-size Snickers in my fat pie-hole.