In the year of Our Lord, 2011...

I resolve to:

• exercise moderation in the pursuit of all things, particularly the quality of being moderate
• give a Dutch oven to a Dutch girl
• eat less cheese / destroy fewer commodes
• give without any thought of reciprocity, especially in instances of ass-kickings and STDs
• not rage violently about things such as cyclists, democrats, the New York Rangers, Texas' sodomy laws, the Amish, the lack of good bagel shops in Houston, my ever-increasing volume of ear hair, etc...
• see at least five films in theatrical release (the gauntlet is thrown... bring it on, Hollywood)
• make every effort as one man to bring parachute pants back into style
• be less overtly gassy in the company of friends and family (NEVER gonna happen)
• write more
• put more effort into grooming myself
• put more effort into grooming my dog
• put more effort into grooming the lawn
• put more effort into becoming a groom (grooming myself will hopefully help towards this end)
• be a bigger bad ass than I was in 2010 (a tall order, indeed)
• be more resolute

2010...

The Year I Just Didn't Have a Lot to Say.

Hoping to spew much more drivel in the coming year.

Decisions... decisions...

Two messages in my Yahoo! email Spam folder, one with the subject "Asian Singles" and the other slugged "Sexy Single Asians"... obviously, either of the two, when pursued, will occupy my time fully, so I can choose but one, BUT WHICH ONE SHOULD I CHOOSE??? I really don't need to be forced into that kind of under-the-gun decision making right now... honestly.

Fun Show!

Had a blast seeing Mates of State at Warehouse Live last Thursday... here's a vid someone shot of "For the Actor"

If I may invoke Roddy Piper... Guess he's all out of bubble gum.

Is saying you need to figure out "whose ass to kick" a presidential way to behave???

Celebrity Sort-of Look-Alike: Hall & Oates / Cartoon Edition

Keenly-coiffured Daryl Hall...

...and the character I've more or less emulated in every way (especially the not scoring aspect) since 1993, Beavis.

The man who took the baton from Art Garfunkel... and then passed it to Andrew Ridgeley, the magnificently-mustachioed John Oates...

...and long, lost "Garfield" character, Lyman.

Thank you, Associated Press... A-holes!!!

Okay... here's the AP recap on tonight's 15-6 slaughter of my Houston Astros at the hands of the Cincinnati Reds...

AP-BBN--Astros-Reds,0307
Reds extend HR surge, beat Astros 15-6
Eds: APNewsNow. Reds 15, Astros 6.
AP Photo CSB101, CSB108, CSB109, CSB102
By JOE KAY
AP Baseball Writer
CINCINNATI (AP) -- Drew Sutton hit his first grand slam, joining
one of the longest power surges in Cincinnati Reds history, and
LeCure went six innings to win his big-league debut, 15-6 over the
historically bad Houston Astros on Friday night...

Yeah, it's looking like it could be one of the worst seasons in the history of the franchise, but I don't think they're gonna threaten the 1962 Mets. Oh, and one more thing... apparently the Reds' rookie pitcher only has one name... Pele', Halston, LeCure. Well done, AP.

A Celebrity Sort-of Look-Alike, World Cup / NFL Mini Camp Edition

Manchester United / English national team football star, Wayne Rooney...

and Houston Texans football funnyman, David Anderson...

Oh, this thing...

Hey, blog! Um... kinda forgot about you there...

My apologies. I've been... uh... busy.

Ted's Friday Film Recommendation, 3/5... Now brought to you on Saturday more often than Friday

Get off my ass... I've had a week's worth of going away festivities on my plate... anyway...

Think I'm gonna continue riding the Rita Hayworth wave started last week... let's go ahead and make it a double-feature too.

Gilda starring Rita Hayworth, Glenn Ford... for 16 years, the husband of the too-delightful-to-put-into-words actress/dancer, Eleanor Powell (1946, Columbia Pictures)

The Lady from Shanghai starring a blond Rita Hayworth, Orson Welles (1947, Columbia Pictures)

From "I Tripped Over the Ottoman"

They call me Robert Petry and I live in New Rochelle
With my wife Laura and son Richie but now
My life's a living hell 'cause

I tripped over the ottoman
One too many times
I tripped over the ottoman
Until I lost my mind...

I was head writer for Alan Brady
Maybe you've seen his show
It's now funny and it makes my ears bleed
This week's guest star isn't Danny Thomas
Our special guest star is Death!

Ted's Friday Film Recommendation, 2/26... Once again a day late... get used to it

I'm a big fan of song and dance films from Hollywood's so-called "Golden Age" (I'm tellin' you... I'm such a toughie!!!). These films are not wholly unlike pornography... silly storylines and pointless plots there merely to weave the "good stuff" ("performance numbers", if you will) together. Anyway, so I'm suggesting a delightful double feature showcasing the amazing talents of Fred Astaire and Rita Hayworth (sorry, T. T. Boy fans).

You'll Never Get Rich starring Fred Astaire, Rita Hayworth (1941, Columbia Pictures)

You Were Never Lovelier starring Fred Astaire, Rita Hayworth (1942, Columbia Pictures)

Ted's Friday Film Recommendation, 2/19

Okay, today's recommendation is a film on films... well, a film studio, actually. We're gonna go with my favorite six hour long documentary on Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.

MGM: When the Lion Roars starring Patrick Stewart (host), a slew of fabulous MGM stock, both from films and behind-the-scenes footage... and several fascinating interviews (1992, Point Blank Productions)

Golden MySpace Classics... Texas' Citadel of Stupidity's Greatest Hits, Vol. 14

Original post date: August 2, 2007 - Thursday

My trip to Amsterdam

Had a great time there when we went back in 2005. Though I'd post some pics.

Ted's Friday Film Recommendation, 2/12

Another double-feature suggestion today... let's go with a pair of films showcasing Ian Curtis of Joy Division fame.

24 Hour Party People starring Steve Coogan, Andy Serkis (2002, Baby Cow Productions) and...

Control starring Sam Riley, Samantha Morton (2007, 3 Dogs and a Pony)

A day late... Ted's Friday Film Recommendation, 2/5

We'll go with a double-feature highlighting one of my favorite actors, Joseph Cotten.

Duel in the Sun starring Joseph Cotten (duh), Gregory Peck and hot-ass Jennifer Jones (1948, Vanguard Films) and...

The Third Man starring Orson Welles, Trevor Howard and... JOSEPH COTTEN!!! (1949, London Film Productions)

Ted's Somewhat Unspoken Truths of Life

Comedy writers? ALL nerdy little Jewish guys.

Clever, funny folks, those...

You know what would be fun? SOME MUSIC!

Low's "Silver Rider"... suits the kind of mood I'm in today.

Ted's Friday Film Recommendation, 1/29

Sweet Smell of Success starring Burt Lancaster, Tony Curtis (1957, Curtleigh Productions)

The cat's in the bag and the bag's in the river!

BONUS!!! Ted's Friday Song Recommendation: "Man, It's So Loud in Here" by They Might Be Giants

If I may be so bold as to borrow from Hunter S. Thompson...

professional sports are a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.

Okay, so maybe, at least in this case, that's a bit extreme... and I realize these folks, like any other business enterprise, are in it to make money, but sheesh... here's that about which I'm currently rambling. The shameless money grab that is corporate sponsorship in pro sports... example: here is the first paragraph from a Houston Rockets press release on a roster move the club made today...

HOUSTON – Houston Rockets General Manager Daryl Morey announced today that the team has assigned guard Jermaine Taylor to Houston’s single-affiliation NBA D-League partner the Rio Grande Valley Vipers. In addition, the Rockets have signed Rio Grande Valley guard Will Conroy to a 10-day contract, marking Conroy’s fourth-career GATORADE Call-Up to the NBA.

And with that, it's official... about the only aspect of the world of big-dollar athletics that isn't sponsored these days is when the back-up point guard has to leave the bench to take a crap... that being said, the "Depends Dump of the Game" may just be right around the corner!

A Sort-of Look-Alike, State of the Union edition

Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi...

and this thing, whatever the hell it is...

Ted's Friday Film Recommendation

Gonna try something new for the .172 of you on average that view my crappy blog on a daily basis... a weekly recommended-viewing post, so be sure to tune-in every Friday for a cinematic suggestion (or two)... some of my favorite films, good AND bad!

We'll start with a double-feature from one of my favorite film sub-genres... HEROIN FLICKS!!!

Jesus' Son starring Billy Crudup, Samantha Morton (1999, Evenstar Films) and...

Permanent Midnight starring Ben Stiller (yes, he HAS actually made a good film), Elizabeth Hurley (1998, JD Productions)

Enjoy!

I swear to you all...

I lose another 100 pounds and I'm gettin' myself an ensemble not wholly unlike the one worn by Simon LeBon in the video for "Rio"!

Hey, I'm thinking it's about time for a Celebrity Sort-of Look-Alike!

New USC head coach and least likely candidate to win the Knoxville Chamber of Commerce 2010 Man of the Year, Lane Kiffin...

and comedian / Comedy Central personality (which is strange, as Comedy Central seemingly has nothing at all to do with anything that is funny), Daniel Tosh

From "Smokin' Banana Peels"

Smokin' banana peels, see how it feels
Living is easy with ice cubes
The world is swimmin' with electric eels
Talk seriously to me brother
Smokin' banana peels, savin' the seals
There are four me's living all together
Got to keep an even keel
You've got to take life serially
Smokin' banana peels in between meals
I was all pumped up about the iron
Let's all pray get down and kneel

Time for the first Celebrity Sort-of Look-Alike of the new year!

Former Padres and Giants left-handed starting pitcher (former left-handed anything, actually), Dave Dravecky...

and sassy film critic, Rex Reed

A discourse...

on the matter of gastronomy...

CONCERNED FRIEND: Hey... did you get another haircut... or have you lost some weight?

ME: Yeah... I've been dieting rather seriously actually... thanks for noticing. I've taken off just under 75 pounds over the last three months.

CONCERNED FRIEND: No shit! Damn... that's awesome! You gotten back in the gym? What are you doing?

ME: I've been walking... done the exercise bike or stair-stepper a few times, but the weight loss has been all due to diet. I've been doing A, B and C.

CONCERNED FRIEND: Really? Well, you know what you should do... try doing X, Y and Z.

((LONG PAUSE))

ME: Well, I'm pretty happy with the way things have gone so far... another 20 or 30 pounds and I'm gonna try to start running again... that should help me take the weight off even more rapidly. We'll see how it goes.

CONCERNED FRIEND: (HAVING COMPLETELY IGNORED THE PREVIOUS STATEMENT) You know, if you do X, Y and Z... and you drink some black tea at 10:47 in the morning, then, some green tea at precisely 3:17 in the afternoon... and right before you go to bed, do three shots of tequila and follow that with a healthy blood-letting, man... that weight will start really coming off!

((LONGER PAUSE))

ME: I'll talk to you later.

So, here we are!!!

It's 2010, kids!!!

Meh.