2010...

The Year I Just Didn't Have a Lot to Say.

Hoping to spew much more drivel in the coming year.

A discourse...

on the matter of gastronomy...

CONCERNED FRIEND: Hey... did you get another haircut... or have you lost some weight?

ME: Yeah... I've been dieting rather seriously actually... thanks for noticing. I've taken off just under 75 pounds over the last three months.

CONCERNED FRIEND: No shit! Damn... that's awesome! You gotten back in the gym? What are you doing?

ME: I've been walking... done the exercise bike or stair-stepper a few times, but the weight loss has been all due to diet. I've been doing A, B and C.

CONCERNED FRIEND: Really? Well, you know what you should do... try doing X, Y and Z.

((LONG PAUSE))

ME: Well, I'm pretty happy with the way things have gone so far... another 20 or 30 pounds and I'm gonna try to start running again... that should help me take the weight off even more rapidly. We'll see how it goes.

CONCERNED FRIEND: (HAVING COMPLETELY IGNORED THE PREVIOUS STATEMENT) You know, if you do X, Y and Z... and you drink some black tea at 10:47 in the morning, then, some green tea at precisely 3:17 in the afternoon... and right before you go to bed, do three shots of tequila and follow that with a healthy blood-letting, man... that weight will start really coming off!

((LONGER PAUSE))

ME: I'll talk to you later.

So, here we are!!!

It's 2010, kids!!!

Meh.

I wonder...

Now that Houston has become the largest U. S. city to elect an openly gay mayor, will all those big concert tours that always book Austin and Dallas, but routinely bypass our fair city, now start scheduling dates here?

I wonder...

In these oh so trying times...

I think it would behoove us to look to the wisdom found in these words of Reverend Run: "'cause Calvin Klein is no friend of mine... Don't want nobody's name on my behind."

Just think about that for a moment... think about it.

Today...

I think I'll partake in an invigorating 45 minute session of Tai Chi... and then cool down with a smart, refreshing iced Chai tea.

No.

Happy birthday...

TO ME!!!

Ummmmmmmmm...

From your friends at Eternal Image (a division of Wham-O, if I'm not mistaken), "Precious Moments" urns and caskets.

Death (hey, do moments get any more precious than death?) has never been soooooooooo cute!!!

I've learned...

that being on vacation for a week-and-a-half is NOT conducive to being a productive blogger.

Everyone else's trash...

The public perception of me seems to be that I'm just a wee bit odd... and I will acknowledge that, perhaps, some of my ideas/enthusiasms/grooming "habits" are somewhat off-center, outside the collective "norm". In a further embrace of this assertion, I'd like to throw out some examples to back up this reality... concepts bound to make most others cringe, but certain to make me smile... here we go!

"Ladies and gentleman... the comedy stylings of Norm MacDonald!"

"This album is the heaviest dose of Moog synthesizer I've ever heard!"

"Looks like we're gonna be stuck here a while, and all we have to eat is edamame and chili paste."

"And the Academy Award goes to... Ted McGinley!"

"Tomorrow's high temperature won't even get up to freezing." (Alas, for me, that never happens around here)

"The required reading list includes four Dostoevsky novels."

"I brought several of those Lindt 99% Cacao chocolate bars."

"That was just horrible about Jack Black... being eaten alive by those alligators!"

"The asteroid is going to directly impact Austin, wiping it off the face of the earth."

"They've created the first cloned human... and it's McLean Stevenson!!!"

And I don't really care all that much, as long as I'm sportin' a rubber bung

These days, I find myself looking Florence flask...

but I feel Erlenmeyer flask.

All that aside, deep down in my soul, I have little doubt I'm 100% volumetric flask!

Yup.

Fit as a fiddle... and ready for love

Rather...

Fat as a firehouse... and ready for fudge.

Um... I should probably drop a pound or two.

These are a few of my favorite things...

Frequently, someone will ask me, "What is your favorite movie?" Or, perhaps, "Who is your favorite band?" And if they're a woman, "Won't you please just get the hell away from me?!?" At the moment, I'd like to address the first two of these sort of questions. I really have a wildly varied set of enthusiasms, and, due in large part to this, I've never really been concerned with identifying my favorite this or my most adored that. Hell, there's a lot of material to chose from here, folks! Anyway, world, due to your fascination with my fondnesses, and subsequent endless inquiries into such, I've decided to relent, and thus, I am about to give you a very brief and hastily compiled list of some of my faves. Please enjoy... and leave me the hell alone!

Favorite Films: Star Wars, The Godfather, Sweet Smell of Success, The Usual Suspects

Favorite Bands: At the moment, I'll go with The Anniversary / The Only Children, Tilly and the Wall, The Velvet Underground

Favorite Books: "Naked Pictures of Famous People" -Jon Stewart, "The Odyssey" -Homer (Fagles translation), "The Idiot" -Fyodor Dostoevsky

Favorite Comedian: Brian Regan... in a runaway

Favorite Actor: Joseph Cotten

Favorite Actresses: Eleanor Powell, Rita Hayworth

Favorite Restaurant at Which to Avoiding Dining: Chili's

Favorite Sub-Saharan African Country: Tanzania... in a close one over Botswana

Sports Favorites: MLB-Houston Astros, NFL-Dallas Cowboys (I hate you, Tony Romo!), NBA-Houston Rockets, I guess... I mean does anybody like the NBA anymore?, NHL-New York Rangers, NCAA-University of Houston, Non-American Football-Arsenal, Athlete (Overall)- Vince Coleman, Golfer-Paula Creamer (YUM!!!), Hot Oil Wrestler-Miss Candy

Favorite German Political Party: Christian Democratic Union / Christian Social Union (CDU / CSU) Coalition

Favorite Roman Emperor of "The Twelve Caesars": Vespasian

Favorite Cheese: Gruyere

Favorite Bar: Kay's Lounge, Houston, TX

Favorite Beer: The one in front of me

Favorite Child-Labor-Exploiting Sneaker Manufacturer: Nike

Favorite Political Pundit: Kirsten Powers (AND I'M A REPUBLICAN... GO FIGURE!!!)

Favorite Networks: Food Network, Discovery, History Channel

Favorite Pastime: Sleep / Belching (Tie)

Favorite Fruit: Apples / Paul Lynde (Tie)

Okay... ENOUGH, DAMN IT!!!

Goethe said...

"Choose well. Your choice is brief, and yet endless."

And that brings me to today. I've spent the last several hours efforting (TV TERM!!!) a decision on just where my friends / coworkers and I should go this evening for beverages of the fermented variety. We have our regular haunts, but tonight, we all seem to be of the "let's do something different" mindset. Keep in mind, "something different" will, more than likely, be an establishment I've only been to 75 times in the last 10-15 years, as opposed to 350. Anyway, after stating that I felt like frequenting someplace somewhat "Bohemian" tonight, my friend threw out a solid suggestion, and I signed off on it. So, in short order, we're heading off to Cecil's... and, my dearest Goethe, I pray that the decision to do so does not have long-term ramifications on the remainder of my days.

I realize that there are varying degrees of gravity inherent to the types of decisions an individual must make in life, and that choosing where one wants to drink for the evening would probably not be considered one of the more significant selections to be made, but hey, we are talking about alcohol and me, after all! :-) I could meet my future wife; I could very well be blinded in a knife fight; I might just get off easy and only lose my pants during the course of the evening... one thing is certain, The Velvet Underground's Heroin and Venus in Furs will be played on the jukebox.

Hey... We're off to a great start!!!

Nobody dressed up as Baby New Year, went to a holiday gathering and slaughtered a bunch of partygoers, then burned the house down... at least not to my knowledge. Congrats, mankind... 2009 has gotten underway swimmingly!!!

Confluence of Felicity

So...

If one were to gather together a clam, a camper, a lark and a feces-encrusted pig, whom amongst them would actually be the happiest of all?

Noodle that one, kids!

And so it goes...

• I'm 35 years old with 20/10 vision... and I've decided I'd like to start wearing glasses with rose-tinted lenses... or yellow, perhaps.
• The Keynesian nightmare continues as the call for economic interventionism grows ever louder. Communism, here we come! And yet, until the next administration takes power, it appears, at least based on today's hearing before the House Financial Services Committee (chaired by everyone's favorite mischievous little imp, Barney Frank), Congress is prepared to punt Detroit's Big 3... instead of agreeing to drop $25B worth of change in the GM / Ford / Chrysler cup, today saw a chamber full of representatives ready to give the auto-execs the bums rush. And when our elected officials learned that each of the CEOs had travelled to the hearings in their corporate jets, the bipartisan grandstanding was delicious! The antics of wacky Dems Gary Ackerman and Brad Sherman were laugh out loud funny. The smarmy, yet stern, reproach of Texas' own Jeb Hensarling was a squirm-in-your-seat delight of a diatribe... "At what point," the congressman queried, "does Starbucks get in line? Who doesn't get in line for the 700 billion dollars?" OY GEVALT!!! God help us... the end is nigh!
• I was recently watching some ABC Family Channel (oddly enough, with my family) and saw a promo for the upcoming airing of some piece of celluloid-based tripe entitled A Carol Christmas, starring (get this!): Tori Spelling, Gary Coleman... and William Shatner! How in the hell does this shit get made?!?!? Now that steaming turd of a film.... THAT makes the baby Jesus cry!
• I'm already on the season's second tin of three-flavor stale popcorn... and I must admit, it's the cute little Santa kittens / puppies and ice skating cartoon penguins that hook me, not the crappy popcorn. DON'T JUDGE... YOU'RE NO BETTER THAN ME!!!

And now your soul is like a whorehouse... so many lovers, but none you can name...

Does anyone else suddenly take pause when, in the midst of mindlessly shucking and consuming the leftover Halloween candy at your parents' house, out of the blue, you contemplate the dozens of grubby little snot-encrusted, booger-picking paws that have thoroughly rummaged through the candy bowl... contaminating the wrapper of every remaining morsel? I do... then I continue unwrapping and cramming fun-size Snickers in my fat pie-hole.

Increase Mather stated that...

"Drink is in itself a good creature of God, and to be received with thankfulness, but the abuse of drink is from Satan. The wine is from God, but the Drunkard is from the Devil."

God... I really need a drink, nay, a whole ass-load of drinks!

Stuff... and stuff

• I have just recently been introduced to the joy that is Roly Poly (Purveyor of Fine Sandwiches, Soups & Salads... or so I'm told. Thus far, I've only sampled the sandwiches). They do wrap-style sandwiches... and they have an extensive selection of vegetarian options (extensive=8), which means I can actually dine there... always a plus when I'm hungry. After my first visit, I texted my friend (a fellow vegetarian... she was vacationing in Florida, otherwise I would have shared the happy news with her face-to-face) who first informed me of the existence of the establishment and let her know that, having just finished wolfing down a Monster Veggie, I was no longer a Roly Poly virgin. She told me she was happy for me, but that I should've gone with the California Hummer instead... her reasoning being that a hummer is always a good call for "breaking in" a virgin. I like Sherrie!
• The next great spectator sport??? Competitive sentence diagramming
• I'm going to write a novel someday. As of now, I have no ideas for a setting, era... or even a plot. All I have is a name for my protagonist... "Ubiquitous Bill"
• Why are there no "plus size" models for men's underwear?
• As time passes, Beach Boy Brian Wilson reminds me more and more of the "Carl the groundskeeper" character from Caddyshack
• I'd like to see the jheri curl become fashionable again
• PUPPIES!!!

• Heard this one from a cabbie in Belfast... "What is the only difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk."
• My dad, whom I love dearly, has developed some interesting fascinations as he has grown older, foremost amongst them... inkpens and flashlights. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that he hoards these items
• I feel that Anson Carter is not given the credit due him as a trailblazer... the first NHL player to sport dreadlocks