From "I Tripped Over the Ottoman"

They call me Robert Petry and I live in New Rochelle
With my wife Laura and son Richie but now
My life's a living hell 'cause

I tripped over the ottoman
One too many times
I tripped over the ottoman
Until I lost my mind...

I was head writer for Alan Brady
Maybe you've seen his show
It's now funny and it makes my ears bleed
This week's guest star isn't Danny Thomas
Our special guest star is Death!

From "Smokin' Banana Peels"

Smokin' banana peels, see how it feels
Living is easy with ice cubes
The world is swimmin' with electric eels
Talk seriously to me brother
Smokin' banana peels, savin' the seals
There are four me's living all together
Got to keep an even keel
You've got to take life serially
Smokin' banana peels in between meals
I was all pumped up about the iron
Let's all pray get down and kneel

From "The Badger Song"

Out in the woods
Up to no good
I wanna make friends with the badger

The woodchuck likes me
We smoke PCP
I wanna make friends with the badger
I mean it!
I wanna make friends with the badger
For real!
I wanna make friends with the
Wanna make friends with the
Wanna make friends with the badger

Get drunk with owls
Drop acid with cows
I wanna make friends with the badger

From "Peter Bazooka"

Tuesday - yes, it was Tuesday
When I saw my congressman coming out of the titty bar
He didn't look like my congressman, but that's okay
Nobody really looks like themselves anymore
I think its got something to do with that crap
They've been pouring into the water
I decided it might be wise to follow the congressman
Just to see what he was up to.
After all, my tax dollars do pay his salary.
The congressman got into a taxi, so I hailed a taxi
Despite the obvious dangers involved
And the colored voices in my head began to sing:

All I gotta do is put my ear to the wall
And I can hear it all, yes I can hear it all
All I gotta do is put my ear to the wall
And I can even hear the little insects crawl

From "Beach Party Vietnam"

It's a beach party Vietnam
Surfin' with the Viet Cong
Cookin' hot dogs with napalm
A beach party Vietnam

Frankie and Annette were
Layin' on the sand
When Frank got a letter
From his Uncle Sam
It said: Get Moon Dog and
All your friends
You're all invited to a...

Beach party Vietnam
Surfin' with the Viet Cong
Cookin' hot dogs with napalm
A beach party Vietnam

- Hey Frankie, aren't you gonna give me youur class ring?
- Oh I'm afraid I can't do that, Annette
- Why not?
- 'Cause I don't have any arms! (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!)

From "Methodist Coloring Book"

God is gracious, God is good
So let's color in His book
God wears cotton, God wears rayon
He can mend a broken crayon
God is honest, He don't take payola
Let's all thank Him for our crayolas
You've got a Methodist Coloring book
And you color really well
But don't color outside the lines
Or God will send you to Hell.

From "In Praise of Sha Na Na"

Sha Na Na... killed Kennedy
Sha Na Na... stabbed that guy at Altamont
Sha Na Na... started the Peace Corps
Sha Na Na... were the first astronauts
Sha Na Na... grew organic food
Sha Na Na... led student sit-ins
Sha Na Na... joined the Black Panthers
Sha Na Na... never seemed to fit in

From "The Thing That Only Eats Hippies"

What do they taste like... Some kinda treat?
How many hippies can this monster eat?
It ate Stills and Nash before they could shout
And then it chewed on David Crosby but it spit him out!

All the punks are gonna scream "yippee!"
'Cause it's the thing that only eats hippies

There it goes...
Gonna send 'em all to that big Folk Festival in the sky
So long suckers!!!

From "The Blues Song"

A blues man needs a nickname
And everybody calls me Two Shoes
Cause I always wear two shoes
I know it's not much of a nickname
But by the time I got around to getting my nickname
All the good ones were taken
Take for example Blind Lemon Lipschitz
Blind Lemon Lipschitz gouged out his own eyes with his thumbnails
So he could be called blind lemon
It's true, don't laugh

"Everybody knows that the burrow owl lives in a hole in the ground... WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT A 'BURROW OWL' ANYWAY?"

So...

What ever became of all the useful information that used to be so easily procured by simply writing to the fine folks at the Federal Consumer Information Center in Pueblo, CO? Did they have to shut down their prodigious pamphlet mill? If so, why? The economy? A decline in the popularity of the pamphlet medium, perhaps? Maybe it got to the point where all their precious wisdom had been revealed, and they simply had no more to give. Did this downturn in the consumer tips literature market have an adverse impact on the economy of Pueblo? These are things I'd really like to know.