"There is no more miserable human being than one in whom nothing is habitual but indecision."

That little nugget o' insight from American philosopher William James (godson of Ralph Waldo Emerson, don't ya know).

So, here I sit in front of the computer at my folks' house at 2:03 in the A.M. My sister and brother-in-law's big Halloween gathering is tonight, and, as of yet, I have no costume. Worst case scenario, I can throw on jeans, a sweatshirt, sneakers and a cap and go as the fat drunk in serious need of some major depilatory work... but I'd like to put a little more effort into it. I was thinking I might use the occasion as an excuse to get my hair cut into a mohawk (no early midlife crisis here, gang!), but, alas, the "punk" attire selection at the local Bizarre Bazaar doesn't feature much in the way of plus-sizes. Oh well... here's hoping that sometime in the next 12 hours, the Lord sees fit to bless me with a garment-related epiphany so that I may go out and celebrate the forces of evil in style!

And while we're on the subject of present-day Hall-O-Couture, why are seemingly all women's costumes slutty / sexy this, that or the other??? The sexy cop, the naughty nurse, the whorish harlot, the slutty slut... sheesh! Are we celebrating All Hallows' Eve or attending a Frederick's of Hollywood runway show? I was sharing this particular lament (I'm kind of bad about sharing all my laments... and they are legion. Quite frankly, sometimes I'm surprised that people still allow me to speak to them) with my very lovely friend Alessandra. She, being quite the clever one, is going as a 1920's era "flapper girl". Now Alessandra is an attractive young lady, and I'm quite certain she will be plenty sexy in her guise, but she won't have to dress like a prostitute to achieve said effect.

Maybe I'll grab a white shirt, black slacks... pick up a black vest, toy gun and a six-pack of Stroh's and dress as an "I really let myself go" Han Solo. Eh... HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYBODY!!! :-)

And now your soul is like a whorehouse... so many lovers, but none you can name...

Does anyone else suddenly take pause when, in the midst of mindlessly shucking and consuming the leftover Halloween candy at your parents' house, out of the blue, you contemplate the dozens of grubby little snot-encrusted, booger-picking paws that have thoroughly rummaged through the candy bowl... contaminating the wrapper of every remaining morsel? I do... then I continue unwrapping and cramming fun-size Snickers in my fat pie-hole.

Golden MySpace Classics... Texas' Citadel of Stupidity's Greatest Hits, Vol. 3

I repost this in honor of the Texans' franchise-best third consecutive win yesterday...

Original post date: June 14, 2007 - Thursday

If they mated...

Astros All-Star Lance Berkman...

...and tennis great Pete Sampras...

...and you get new Texans quarterback Matt Schaub!

I have some very sick friends.

This was done by my good friend T.M.O.G., and, quite frankly, I really don't have the words to describe what you're about to see, so just enjoy... YODEL!

Wow!

I CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

Actually, in this case, I don't really care to get "it" out of my head... "it" being the infectiously catchy little tune "Good Morning" from the classic film Singin' in the Rain... a song and dance number featuring Gene Kelly, Donald O'Connor and Debbie Reynolds. After watching the film with my folks last week, I've been singing bits of it non-stop at work for the better part of two weeks... even a couple of my coworkers have, through me, become afflicted with this condition, frequently joining me in my random, spontaneous crooning (or whistling). Please enjoy this performance for yourself... hopefully soon you too will be consumed with the need to lilt along with us!

Picking the Carcas... Poorly

Having heard the unfortunate news that the Linens and Things chain would be closing all its stores, and thus, being in bankruptcy, all stores would immediately begin liquidating (I've always found that word unpleasant... it reminds me of issues I've had with my tract over the years) their inventory, I rounded up mom and we headed down to the nearest location to, ahem, make the best of a bad thing. The store we went to was still almost fully stocked... and at this stage of the move-it-all-out-the-door process, the "bargains" were rather modest, at least 10% off all items, with savings up to 30%. Well, being full with the savings spirit, I procured a couple of home furnishings I needed that I had specifically come in search of (one panel curtains for my predominantly glass doors)... and several other superfluous items that I very easily and happily could have lived without (cheeseboard / cutter, set of santoku knives, Silpat cooking mat, etc.). I spent a hundred bucks and, after taxes, saved a grand total of less than ten. I think I'll take the "savings" and buy some currently undervalued blue-chip stocks.

"About the only thing that comes to us without effort is old age."

This week, Houston is home to golf's "Champions Tour" event... I believe it is called the Metamucil Houston Colostomy Bag Open, but I might not have that quite right... it's not important. What is important is that I make the assertion that geezer golf may very well be the most painfully boring incarnation of "sport". I'd rather watch minor league curling than these fat and feeble shadows of their former selves hack it for 18 holes, three days in a row... alas, it's my job to do just that. Maybe I'll be unexpectedly treated to some excitement when one of these duffers breaks a hip.

Golden MySpace Classics... Texas' Citadel of Stupidity's Greatest Hits, Vol. 2

Original post date: October 17, 2007 - Wednesday

Yet another celebrity look-alike

The 14th Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso...


and...

Scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry!!!

Tickling the Ivories

If you are an American Express customer and you manage your finances online, you are probably already familiar with this... you sign on to the American Express website and when the home page loads, it plays a piano riff that is only two or three seconds long, but despite it's brevity, I find it to be utterly infectious. It is a fun, bouncy, playful little riff... being the loser with nothing better to do that I am, I sometimes find myself reloading the page an additional time or two so that I may enjoy the musical little nugget of joy again. When you sign off, you get what must be no more than a three note goodbye tune. It's almost makes my crippling debt fun!

And I'll Be Dancing With Myself... Oh... Oh... Oh Oh...

You know what would be cool? If the dancing guy from the Mighty Mighty Bosstones (Ben Carr is his name) announced he was doing a solo project, with which he would be touring... and he then went venue to venue, across the country, going on-stage and dancing around to silence for an hour-and-a-half... THAT would be cool!

Golden MySpace Classics... Texas' Citadel of Stupidity's Greatest Hits

I feel the need to post, yet I can't think of a single interesting or entertaining thing to write about (some would argue that this is always the case). So, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to debut something I intend to do on a semi-regular basis (more often than not, in an instance such as tonight, when my mind's creative commode is clogged up)... recycling old posts from the heady days of blogging on my MySpace page. I give you installment numero uno...

Original post date: July 11, 2007 - Wednesday

If I had a band...

these are a few bits of silliness that would garner serious consideration for nomenclature:

-Salamander Phyllis
-Backing Over Brooche
-The Immaculate Filth
-And God Said "FEH!"
-Parting Before Pooping
-Truncated Junk
-Baneful Bounty
-Half-Past Drunk
-Asscasket
-Odoriferous Jim
-Boom Boom Room
-Honkeytown, PA
-The Aegean Stables
-Fette Durchfahrt
-No, Bob! No!

To those of you that wasted precious seconds of your time here on Earth reading this...

"Everybody knows that the burrow owl lives in a hole in the ground... WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT A 'BURROW OWL' ANYWAY?"

So...

What ever became of all the useful information that used to be so easily procured by simply writing to the fine folks at the Federal Consumer Information Center in Pueblo, CO? Did they have to shut down their prodigious pamphlet mill? If so, why? The economy? A decline in the popularity of the pamphlet medium, perhaps? Maybe it got to the point where all their precious wisdom had been revealed, and they simply had no more to give. Did this downturn in the consumer tips literature market have an adverse impact on the economy of Pueblo? These are things I'd really like to know.

Rollcall...

of Houston's dearly departed (at least that's how I feel about it)...

• Rockefeller's
• Emo's / Some Club
• The Fabulous Satellite Lounge
• Mary Jane's
• The Proletariat
• The Engine Room

SUCK!!!

"Politicians are like diapers...

They both need changing regularly and for the same reason."

Ah, I LOVE that quote!

And on that particular topic... why is it that I wince every time a politician uses the phrase "the American people" these days? The citizenry of the country has become a cheap, overused cliche. More and more, I feel less like a constituent a more like a subject.

Sorry, just a quick moment to whine.

Guten tag, bitches!!!

I have returned stateside from my four day whirlwind tour of Deutschland. Frankfurt to Giessen to Munich to Friedberg and back to Frankfurt again. Drinking beer, fighting with my roommate, embracing old friends not seen in years... I lived, I laughed, I loved!

And now, back home to the same old routine... of domestic drinking, fighting and embracing.