Ted's Christmas Wish List

• A nice espresso maker
• Playstation 3 with EA Sports FIFA 2010
• A pony
• Peace on Earth
• Piece of fudge... and by "piece", I mean several pounds
• For the New York Rangers to not suck balls
• A really nice German nutcracker... and by "really nice", I mean something that costs no less than $125
• The woman of my dreams
• A house... gonna have to take care of that myself, I fear
• A new job
• A new car
• A new liver
• A membership to the "Gourd of the Month" club
• A superpower... specifically, the ability to, at will, make people crap their pants
• Anticipating that I won't get the woman of my dreams (damn it), a membership to the "Hooker of the Month" club
• A cure for genital warts... for the good of all mankind, not for myself, mind you
• The collected works of JK Rowling... that should make for a lovely bonfire... HEY, YOU... MY 47 YEAR OLD COWORKER... THE BOOKS ARE FOR KIDS, YOU MORON!!!
• A return to college football prominence by the service academies
• Jared Fogle's fat jockey shorts
• Will Ferrell's head on a platter
• To be able to drink as much beer as I care to without having to worry about it's devastating impact upon my weight
• To be able to eat as much cheese as I care to without having to worry about it's devastating impact upon my weight
• An iPod, I guess... I guess I should finally play technogadget catch-up
• A street sweeper shotgun
• A joyous and holy Christmas 2009... and for my family, friends and myself to all be happy and healthy for Christmas 2010