I got plenty of nothin'... and nothin' is plenty for me (or "How Giggles the Orangutan Learned to Love")

Well, screw me!

The day begins... the sweet serenity of slumber suddenly shattered by the shrill chirp of the digital alarm clock... blasphemy mumbled under my breath. GOOD MORNING, WORLD!

What's that thing called??? Ummm... BREAKFAST! THAT'S IT! I wonder... is the twenty minutes of preparation and the fifteen minutes of clean-up for five minutes of actual dining (and a subsequent case of the trots) worth the effort??? Take a leak and back to bed...

I take my leave of sleep's blissful embrace for a second time today... my desire for rest now well-sated, I realize my lips are pursed, forming a smile that says, "At this moment, I don't have a care in the world." STREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETCH... absolutely orgasmic! 12:47 postmeridian... GOOD AFTERNOON, WORLD!

BREAKFAST! Wait... other than IHOP patrons, who the hell eats eggs in the afternoon? Okay, nuke a couple of veggie burgers, slap on some American and stuff 'em in buns (nice and fluffy buns, with sesame seeds, of course). Let's see... five minutes prep, five minutes clean-up... shit. PIZZA DELIVERY!!!

Hello, tele! Infomercial, infomercial, that infomercial with the two chicks with the huge cans, Law and Order, Law and Order: SVU, CSI: Miami, Law and Order: Criminal Intent, infomercial, CSI, some show with Neil deGrasse Tyson (that guy is pretty smart), that cooking show with the Italian broad with the huge head... and huge cans (that aioli and egg carbonara looks damn good... so do those cans)... PIZZA'S HERE!

Damn, I'm stuffed! I should've gone a little easier on the red pepper flake... I'm gonna pay for that later. Ah, post-meal lethargy gently washes over me like a warm wave... think I'll rest my eyes for a spell. This sofa is quite comfy...

What the... 8:14 postmeridian??? GOOD EVENING, WORLD!

Man, a beer would be really good right about now... I could run down the road to the Lounge for a couple of pops. I think this is one of the nights that MILF-y bartender gal works... she's actually quite the lovely lass. Alas, Mr. Drunk-in-Perpetuity-Guy-that-Always-Calls-Me-Doug will be there, I'm sure... I'll give credit where credit is due... his festering presence at the end of the bar is almost a certainty, and there are precious few of those in my life these days.

Greetings... my name is Ted, not Doug, dude! Looking very sexy tonight... I'm sorry, very sexy tonight, MA'AM (now give her a wink)! Beer, bullshit, darts, more beer... blur.

1:53 ante meridian. Better leave the car here... besides, a sauced saunter home might actually be somewhat pleasant... it is nice out. GOOD NIGHT, WORLD... YOU SORRY SONS-OF-BITCHES!

My bed beckons... soft, warm and safe, but it will have to wait a bit... shit, I should've gone easy on the red pepper flake!

Well, screw me!