"When we two parted / In silence and tears, / Half broken-hearted / To sever for years..." -Lord Byron

After 27 guffaw-filled years, Friday night was the last evening I will be spending with NBC's "Late Night"... 11 years of Dave and 16 years of Conan. They made me laugh, made me cry (with laughter), sometimes made me squirm (especially in the early days with Letterman's frequently brutal treatment of his guests)... and made me sleep through my early classes more often than not. So many eccentric entities... from Larry "Bud" Melman to the Fugitive Guy (Chris Elliott) to Carl "Oldy" Olson to the Masturbating Bear... so many other memorable characters I can't seem to remember! It was nearly three decades of great comedy that made for tremendous television... and now? The legendary franchise is being handed over to the insufferable Jimmy Fallon.

Guess I'll have to occupy my time with other endeavors... sleep, perhaps.

I hate moving...

This is not as much about that fact that moving is a nightmarish pain in the ass, but rather that whenever I move, or help someone else move, I am immediately made intensely aware of just how very out of shape I am. There's nothing quite like the feeling one gets after carrying three pillows up one flight of stairs and being subsequently winded for the following five minutes.

If only one could get / stay in shape by drinking gallons and gallons of beer.

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink...

"When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

You gotta love Frank Sinatra!

Go Go, Galactic Nookie!

Watching the History Channel tonight, I took in The Universe: Sex in Space. As you may have already extrapolated from the episode title, it addressed man's future beyond the earth and how human intimacy may manifest itself in a weightless environment... a gentleman at the broadcast's conclusion synopsized things nicely, saying, "Wherever mankind goes, sex will follow." (Obviously, he's never been to my place... aw, I just made myself sad) Anyway, it's certainly an interesting topic, and one, as was a great part of the program's point, that has yet to be properly probed (uh-huh-huh... probed!) The show was handled tactfully, but, as I have already made apparent by my previous comment, I intend to take it upon myself to approach the matter in an exponentially less mature manner... I have questions to which I need answers, so might as well get started!

• Will space condoms be effective in preventing the spread of space syphilis, space gonorrhea, space chlamydia (AKA, the cosmic clap), space herpes, space HIV/ AIDS and other stellar sexually transmitted diseases?
• Will our moon colonies have legalized prostitution?
• The big Mars Mission ship... will it provide an accommodating climate for the raunchy romps and escapades upon which the sex-starved teens on board are bound to embark?
• Will Mormon astronauts be allowed to practice polygamy?
• How will we address the controversial issue of inter-interplanetary species marriage?
• Do they intend to install a capsule for "swinging" on the international space station?
• Insert you own "Uranus" joke here
• And lastly, since we'll be dealing with zero-Gs here, how in the world do we "fluid-proof" everything?

Godspeed, Ron Jeremy!!!

From "In Praise of Sha Na Na"

Sha Na Na... killed Kennedy
Sha Na Na... stabbed that guy at Altamont
Sha Na Na... started the Peace Corps
Sha Na Na... were the first astronauts
Sha Na Na... grew organic food
Sha Na Na... led student sit-ins
Sha Na Na... joined the Black Panthers
Sha Na Na... never seemed to fit in

Happy St. Valentine's Day!

I'll be enjoying yet another Valentine's Day in traditional Ted-style... getting off work, going home to a frozen pizza, self-loathing and a sock... but perhaps I've said too much.

Ah, love is in the air.

DAMN YOU, GIRL SCOUTS!

I received my eight (yes, eight) boxes of Girl Scout cookies at work this afternoon around 2:45 or so. With considerable help from my office mates, we had managed to consume two entire boxes of thin mints and all but a couple of one box of the peanut butter sandwiches by early this evening.

Moderation? FEH!

These tamales are great! You can really taste the Texas!!!

In a release from the office of Governor Rick Perry... The U.S. Department of Commerce has named Texas the top exporting state in the nation for the seventh year in a row based on 2008 export data. I, being a native Texan, take great pride in this, even though I have in no way, shape or form personally made any sort of contribution toward this "achievement". It also warms my heart to know that the good people of Mexico, Canada, China, the Netherlands and Brazil (our top five export recipients) will not have to go without when it comes to necessities such as Lone Star-drinking armadillo carcasses, giant belt buckles, jalapeno jelly, Texas-shaped cutting boards, all manner of tooled-leather goods and, of course, the aforementioned mail-order tamales.

Obnoxious or Infectious???

The 1979 OMD classic, "Electricity"...



I'm sayin' infectious... I freaking love that song!

A Ted Top Ten List

I've written on the matter of rap music a number of times recently... with this in mind, and after having suffered through the horror of the numerous performances from last Sunday evening's Grammy Awards broadcast, I though that I, one-time hip hop fan, would take the time to make a list of what I consider to be the ten most significant rap albums from the genre's three decades...

• 10) De La Soul: 3 Feet High and Rising (1989)
• 9) Wu-Tang Clan: Enter the Wu-Tang 36 Chambers (1993)
• 8) LL Cool J: Bigger and Deffer (1987)
• 7) Public Enemy: It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back (1988)
• 6) EPMD: Strictly Business (1988)
• 5) Dr. Dre: The Chronic (1992)
• 4) Eric B. and Rakim: Paid in Full (1987)
• 3) N.W.A.: Straight Outta Compton (1989)
• 2) Beastie Boys: License to Ill (1986)
• 1) Run-DMC: Raising Hell (1986)

You'll notice that all these records were released between 1986 and 1993. As I've stated before, it's not, in my humble opinion, a matter of my tastes changing... I still love these albums and listen to them frequently to this day. I just think the genre, for the most part, has gone down the toilet... most of it is simply bad, bad music.

Pumping up my profile

With "urban" music having come to a degree of prominence such that it dominates the "mainstream" pop charts, music-makers such as Sean Combs and Jermaine Dupri have achieved heights of success that have seen them transcend the role of mere producer... these gentleman could best be described as superstar moguls. An enormous part of the high profiles they've crafted is their self-inclusion into the works of the acts they produce... frequently providing "backing vocals" of such utterances as yeah, uh huh, that's right and come on for their artists' tracks. And, of course, the natural progression of this has these producers also appearing in all the corresponding music videos. Not exactly the way Quincy or Clive did it, but hey...

Anyway, being a producer myself, albeit a local TV sports producer, I think it's about time I take steps to heighten my profile and reap some of the recognition I so richly deserve. I think it would be more than desirable to have me out on the desk (with the requisite bottle of Cristal in hand and chick in a bikini in my lap), aside my sports anchor as they do the nightly highlights, with me providing "backing voice over"...
"The Rockets at home tonight (that's right) looking to run their win streak to six as they take on the Spurs (uh huh)... second quarter, Rockets up four (what), Tracy McGrady with back-to-back threes to run the lead out to ten (yeah yeah), 49-39 (uh)... Rockets with the transition game going (come on), Carl Landry pulls down the board and gets it to Aaron Brooks streaking down the floor (uh uh uh), Brooks with the great ballfake to freeze the D (alright), he leaves it for Von Wafer, who finishes with the big slam (come on now)."

Dope... dope, I say.

Observations from Westminster

I parked my big butt on the couch tonight and enjoyed most of the first evening of the 133rd Westminster Kennel Club dog show from Madison Square Garden in NYC... and I have a couple of observations...

First, the fact that the same damn breeds seem to almost always win their groups is tiresome. Non-Sporting group? The Standard Poodle wins. Herding Group? The Puli (or Bob Marley dog, as I like to call it) wins. Terrier group? The Scottish Terrier wins (though I must admit... I do dig the Scotty!)

Second, much like myself, many of the dog handlers are large people... there are some big, BIG folks "running" around out there! I would think being so involved with dogs would keep one pretty active, but hey, what do I know?

Prediction for tomorrow... the damn Poodle will win the Toy group. :-[

"Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I don't go out of my way to operate outside the norm, but that sure does seem like where I find myself much more often than not. This is my precious "little" pup, Bailey...

Bailey is an American Foxhound. I was just looking at the breed list on the American Kennel Club website and, of the 156 breeds recognized by the AKC, there were fewer registered American Foxhounds in 2008 than any other breed of dog. Yes, my puppy's pedigree is the least popular breed in America. Good for her and good for me, damn it!

Awwwwwww!!!

Damn you, TCM!

I'm hanging out at the folks' place after I got off work last night... after chit-chatting with mom until about 12:30, I start thinking about calling it a night. I get ready to lay it down right at 1:30... alas, I made the mistake of flipping by Turner Classic Movies just as Das Boot is beginning. So much for sleep... finally did doze off 15 minutes after the film was over... 4:15 in the AM.

We may be fat, but we're tall!!!

We are a society that loves lists of things, all manner of things... the 100 best American films, the 20 hottest female poets, the NFL's 15 most prolific deadbeat dads, et cetera, et cetera and so forth. My hometown of Houston is a persistent presence on these sort of lists... lists such as best U.S. cities for cost of living, home buyers, job market and the like. Alas, one list on which Houston makes an annual appearance is "America's Fattest Cities". The Bayou City has topped the list as the country's most corpulent community on four separate occasions (2001, 2002, 2003 and 2005)... but we seem to be cleaning up our dietary act as we slipped to 5th in 2006, 6th in 2007 and all the way down to 10th in 2008. Hey, we're making progress... but we're still some fat bastards. Rotund though we may be, we are also quite the towering town... well, at least our buildings are. According to Forbes.com, Houston is the world's eighth tallest city, ranking third amongst U.S. cities, trailing only NYC and Chicago. New York tops the list, with Hong Kong second and Dubai third. The thing I find most interesting about this is that Houston is also one of the most sprawling cities. One thing many of the cities on the "tallest" list have in common is a serious lack of real estate, thus the need for verticality. Houston, however, covers a huge area at 634 square miles... a plot which within New York, Washington, Boston, San Francisco, Seattle, Minneapolis and Miami would all fit.

So... you fit, puny metropoleis... put that in your skinny little pipes and smoke it! You hear me, Seattle?!?

I hate Hollywood

So...

Back in 2006, the jerkoffs bent on destroying the wonderful legacy of MGM gave us The Pink Panther, starring Steve Martin... a remake (SHOCK!!!) of the 1963 comedy classic of the same name that starred the genius that was Peter Sellers. Mr. Sellers would twice more reprise the role of the bumbling Inspector Clouseau, next in 1975's The Return of the Pink Panther and again a year later in The Pink Panther Strikes Again. Now, in 2009, the soulless fucks who seem to enjoy pissing on the graves of Louis Mayer, Irving Thalberg, Arthur Freed et alii are giving us The Pink Panther 2, with Mr. Martin (sadly) returning in the lead role.

So what we have here is a sequel to the remake of an original that had not just one, BUT TWO sequels of its own, yet the sequel of the remake is NOT a remake of the sequel of the original film.

How I wish there was a Gaza Strip in southern California, and that its inhabitants would lob rockets into the executive offices of movie studios.

Golden MySpace Classics... Texas' Citadel of Stupidity's Greatest Hits, Vol. 7

Original post date: May 24, 2007 - Thursday

Burn, Hollywood! Burn!

Okay...

I've been told on more than one occasion that I am something of a "film snob". I don't see how this can be the case... I liked Ishtar for God's sake! Okay, I'm lying about that. Anyway... I think the American cinema is in sad shape these days. Remakes of remakes of remakes... and three sequels to those! Only the news that the planned Revenge of the Nerds remake had fallen apart served to reaffirm what little faith I had left in the Zionist cinematic powerbrokers and their Japanese overlords. Sadly, despite this small battle being won, I know the war will be lost... and we will find ourselves adrift in a sea of remakes of dozens upon dozens of films and TV shows, SO... I figure when you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Here are some of my ideas for some new films...

--Welcome Back, Kotter... A tense, gritty drama about a high school where gangs run amok. The only hope? The heroic, but misunderstood Sweathogs.
Starring Colin Farrell as "Vinnie Barbarino" and Academy Award winner Jamie Foxx as "Boom Boom"... with Chris Kattan as "Horshack" and a special appearance by Samuel L. Jackson as "Mr. Kotter"

--Fat Albert (NO... it's not too soon for a remake of 2004's live-action classic!)... Fat Albert and his buddies, the Cosby kids, experience various misadventures... and while they may not "do the right thing" at first, they'll learn a valuable lesson about life... and you can bet they'll get it right the next time!
Starring Eddie Murphy (in a fat suit) as "Fat Albert" and some of today's hottest hip-hop "artists" as the Cosby kids: Young Jeezy, Young Sneezey, Young Sleepy, Young Dopey AND, through the magic of digital editing technology, all your favorite denominations of Bow Wow from throughout the years... Li'l Bow Wow, Big Bow Wow, Sonic-Size Bow Wow and Jr. Bacon Bow Wow (hold the pickles)... with Golden Globe winner Jamie Foxxx as "Bill Cosby" and a special appearance by Kurtis Blow as "Mudfoot"

--Cagney and Lacey... a grim and gritty crime drama about a couple of no-nonsense detectives, fighting crime in the streets and fighting the establishment in the force.
Starring Colin Farrell as "Det. Marty Lacey" and Independent Spirit Award winner Jamie Foxxxx as "Det. Chris Cagney"... with Will Farrell as "The Informant" and a special appearance by Tyne Daly as "Lt. Samuels"

--Star Wars... a dark, gritty intergalactic drama about a couple of space cops who walk the tightrope between the right and wrong sides of the law. Sometimes, the line gets blurred!
Starring Colin Farrell as "Luke Skywalker" and winner of a small order of fries in the McDonald's Monopoly game promotion Jamie Foxxxxx as "Han Solo"... with Will Farrell as "Greedo", Robin Williams as "Chewbacca" and a special appearance by Tyne Daly as "Jabba the Hutt"

--Midnight Cowboy... a new twist on the Best Picture of 1969... a couple of down-and-out hustlers are looking for the big score on the streets of NYC... instead they find true love in each other's arms! Oh, yeah... there's some grit in there!
Starring Heath Ledger as "Joe Buck" and Jake Gyllenhaal as "Ratso Rizzo"... with Will Farrell as "Towny" and a special appearance by Super Bowl XXXVII winner Jamie Foxxxxxx as "Shaft" (Hey, everybody loves a good crossover!)

"If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?" -Will Rogers

So...

I'm at my folks' place, making myself something to eat (I am a growing boy, after all)... I have a lovely 12" cheese pizza in the oven, placed on only a couple of sheets of aluminum foil (I like a nice, crispy crust)... timer goes off... check the oven, pizza looks perfect... I unfold a dish towel and place it on the countertop so I have a surface upon which to put my pie... take it out of the oven, go to place it on the towel but, somehow, I manage to slip into a state of lapsed equilibrium... the pizza begins to slide off the foil, and is heading over the edge of the counter and straight for the floor... with cat-like quickness, I pounce... flailing for the pizza, I make the save... and plunge my left hand straight into a mound of molten-hot cheese.

Believe it or not, the pizza was not as badly mauled as you might think... it certainly fared better than my hand did. Hey... no pain, no gain.

Everyone else's trash...

The public perception of me seems to be that I'm just a wee bit odd... and I will acknowledge that, perhaps, some of my ideas/enthusiasms/grooming "habits" are somewhat off-center, outside the collective "norm". In a further embrace of this assertion, I'd like to throw out some examples to back up this reality... concepts bound to make most others cringe, but certain to make me smile... here we go!

"Ladies and gentleman... the comedy stylings of Norm MacDonald!"

"This album is the heaviest dose of Moog synthesizer I've ever heard!"

"Looks like we're gonna be stuck here a while, and all we have to eat is edamame and chili paste."

"And the Academy Award goes to... Ted McGinley!"

"Tomorrow's high temperature won't even get up to freezing." (Alas, for me, that never happens around here)

"The required reading list includes four Dostoevsky novels."

"I brought several of those Lindt 99% Cacao chocolate bars."

"That was just horrible about Jack Black... being eaten alive by those alligators!"

"The asteroid is going to directly impact Austin, wiping it off the face of the earth."

"They've created the first cloned human... and it's McLean Stevenson!!!"

My predicition

So, here is how I see this evening's Super event in Tampa unfolding... wealthy white people will get drunk on $9 beers and watch larger, wealthier black people perspire, get dirty and hurt each other... The halftime "show" will set back the cause of the concept of entertainment several decades... we will get to see 15 super-slow-mo replays of some poor soul's gruesome, permanently-debilitating injury... and, regardless of the outcome, the game's result will lead to the good people of Detroit burning down half their city, despite the fact they have no horse in this particular race.

Oh, yeah... Cards shock the world and win 31-16.

MORE TILLY AND THE WALL!

I love these guys (and gals)!


TILLY & THE WALL - ALLIGATOR SKIN from Team Love on Vimeo.