Thursday, February 5, 2009

Golden MySpace Classics... Texas' Citadel of Stupidity's Greatest Hits, Vol. 7

Original post date: May 24, 2007 - Thursday

Burn, Hollywood! Burn!

Okay...

I've been told on more than one occasion that I am something of a "film snob". I don't see how this can be the case... I liked Ishtar for God's sake! Okay, I'm lying about that. Anyway... I think the American cinema is in sad shape these days. Remakes of remakes of remakes... and three sequels to those! Only the news that the planned Revenge of the Nerds remake had fallen apart served to reaffirm what little faith I had left in the Zionist cinematic powerbrokers and their Japanese overlords. Sadly, despite this small battle being won, I know the war will be lost... and we will find ourselves adrift in a sea of remakes of dozens upon dozens of films and TV shows, SO... I figure when you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Here are some of my ideas for some new films...

--Welcome Back, Kotter... A tense, gritty drama about a high school where gangs run amok. The only hope? The heroic, but misunderstood Sweathogs.
Starring Colin Farrell as "Vinnie Barbarino" and Academy Award winner Jamie Foxx as "Boom Boom"... with Chris Kattan as "Horshack" and a special appearance by Samuel L. Jackson as "Mr. Kotter"

--Fat Albert (NO... it's not too soon for a remake of 2004's live-action classic!)... Fat Albert and his buddies, the Cosby kids, experience various misadventures... and while they may not "do the right thing" at first, they'll learn a valuable lesson about life... and you can bet they'll get it right the next time!
Starring Eddie Murphy (in a fat suit) as "Fat Albert" and some of today's hottest hip-hop "artists" as the Cosby kids: Young Jeezy, Young Sneezey, Young Sleepy, Young Dopey AND, through the magic of digital editing technology, all your favorite denominations of Bow Wow from throughout the years... Li'l Bow Wow, Big Bow Wow, Sonic-Size Bow Wow and Jr. Bacon Bow Wow (hold the pickles)... with Golden Globe winner Jamie Foxxx as "Bill Cosby" and a special appearance by Kurtis Blow as "Mudfoot"

--Cagney and Lacey... a grim and gritty crime drama about a couple of no-nonsense detectives, fighting crime in the streets and fighting the establishment in the force.
Starring Colin Farrell as "Det. Marty Lacey" and Independent Spirit Award winner Jamie Foxxxx as "Det. Chris Cagney"... with Will Farrell as "The Informant" and a special appearance by Tyne Daly as "Lt. Samuels"

--Star Wars... a dark, gritty intergalactic drama about a couple of space cops who walk the tightrope between the right and wrong sides of the law. Sometimes, the line gets blurred!
Starring Colin Farrell as "Luke Skywalker" and winner of a small order of fries in the McDonald's Monopoly game promotion Jamie Foxxxxx as "Han Solo"... with Will Farrell as "Greedo", Robin Williams as "Chewbacca" and a special appearance by Tyne Daly as "Jabba the Hutt"

--Midnight Cowboy... a new twist on the Best Picture of 1969... a couple of down-and-out hustlers are looking for the big score on the streets of NYC... instead they find true love in each other's arms! Oh, yeah... there's some grit in there!
Starring Heath Ledger as "Joe Buck" and Jake Gyllenhaal as "Ratso Rizzo"... with Will Farrell as "Towny" and a special appearance by Super Bowl XXXVII winner Jamie Foxxxxxx as "Shaft" (Hey, everybody loves a good crossover!)

No comments: