"Short people got no reason to live..."

Poppycock, I say! I also say that Randy Newman should crawl back under the rock from which he came and never again darken mankind's doorway with his noisome presence. History is rife with meaningful men of diminutive stature... men who did great things and men who effected great horrors upon the world; men who made us dance and men who made us think; men of finance, academia and art. Anyway, on the eve of the ultimate celebration of that which is manly, the Super Bowl, I thought it would be fun to assemble an All-Pro Squad of history's short men of consequence... 11 men a side, position by position... offense, defense and even a head coach, so here we go...

We'll start on the defensive side of the ball... we're gonna go with a 4-3 base...

Defensive Ends:
James Cagney (actor), Glenn Danzig (musician)... a couple of intense, agile, high-motor guys that will come and keep coming on every snap

Defensive Tackles:
Ariel Sharon (military/political leader) and Yasser Arafat (terrorist/benchmark of fashionable headwear)... forget the olive branch when it comes to this odd couple on the inside. They'll plug some gaps and blow up some running lanes

Linebackers:
Outside-Lenin (revolutionary/father of the Soviet state), Joseph Stalin (first General Secretary of Soviet Communist party/mass murderer); Inside-Ghengis Khan (Mongol marauder)... these guys are the playmakers. Not quite right in the head, they go sideline-to-sideline, laying waste to anything in their way

Secondary:
Cornerbacks-Gary Coleman (actor), Alexander Pope (poet/satirist)... undersized, but quick of both wit and feet, these guys can cover; Safeties-Pablo Picasso (artist), Toulouse-Lautrec (artist/deviant)... these hard-drinking, hard-hitting, unbound artists will paint the field... with pain

And now for the offense... we're gonna line up a three-wideout, one back set...

Wide Receivers:
Flanker-Prince (musician)... sleek and cat-quick, too slick to cover, he can go deep; Split End-Tom Cruise (actor)... has the strength to beat the jam at the line of scrimmage, he has all the right moves and brings a real science to the game; Slot-St. Francis of Assisi (friar/patron saint)... he's an animal across the middle and nobody's a better go-to guy on the Hail Mary

Tight End:
Andrew Carnegie (tycoon)... as hard as steel, he blocks and catches and will give anything and everything of himself to help the team win

Offensive Line:
Tackles-Honore de Balzac (novelist/playwright), Paul Williams (composer/songwriter/musician)... brilliance and individuality on the ends; Guards-Mickey Rooney (actor), Danny DeVito (actor)... a couple of stout workaholics; Center-Dudley Moore (actor/musician)... the anchor in the middle and the line's spirited leader

Running Back:
Sherman Hemsley (actor)... shifty, with great hips and moves, he can take the football and move it on up the field

Quarterback:
Igor Stravinsky (composer)... the author of the offense, conducting of symphony of splendid strategy

And, of course, you need the right man at the helm...

Head Coach:
Napoleon Bonaparte (despot)... he is a leader that can march a team deep into the playoffs, but has yet to prove he can win the big one