Today's Flotsam and Jetsam

Couple o' things that struck me in one way or another today...

As most of you probably aren't aware of, the U.S. Open (it's tennis) is currently being played in the New York City area. I came across a feature article in the New York Post about an amputee working as a ball girl... the headline for this story? Foot Fault? No! Ah, gotta love the Post!

And there's this... I was watching G4 television (formerly Tech TV) earlier today, and I guess I wasn't particularly interested in whatever it was they happened to be discussing, because I found myself actually reading the obnoxious "newscrawl" running at the bottom of the screen... and a lovely little nugget from that infostream jumped out at me... apparently the director of Rush Hour 3 (honestly, I didn't realize a Rush Hour 3 had been made) is very interested in making a film based on the "Guitar Hero" video game. I don't know about you, but that one sounds like an Oscar-winner to me.

It's Alive... IT'S ALIVE!!! (maniacal laughter, lightning and thunder, Marty Feldman, etc., etc.)

Here it is, gang... the first edition of FRIED GUACAMOLE!!!


And believe me... a little goes a looooooong way. I'm still stuffed several hours later.

Enough With the Bread, Already!

Baylee... fit: Baylee... fat:

Methinks my puppy has been allowed to do a bit too much noshing on treats and people food. :-(

Mmmmmm... That's Good Paste!!!

Over the weekend just passed, I had the pleasure of spending some time with a German friend who was in town for a few days. Her last night here, she, my sister, my brother-and-law and I all went out for sushi. I, being a non-seafood eating vegetarian... and a fat ass, consumed one of every meat-free item on the menu. Most interesting amongst said dishes was the plum paste and mint roll. You see "plum" and "mint" and your thoughts naturally turn to things of a sweet nature, but this was definitely savory, with a very unique, yet quite pleasant flavor... and it had an interesting heat to it... not the kind that has you gulping down your green milk tea, but the kind that slowly creeps down the back of your throat and up into your sinuses (and that's before the eye-watering dose of wasabi). All in all, a yummy experience.

I mean, who actually eats at Chili's anyway?

• Some people have $1,000 a day drug habits... thank God, I don't, but I have developed a $100 a month Yankee Candle habit.


• USA women's soccer goalkeeper Hope Solo is a cutie...

• If John McCain were a flavor of Blue Bell ice cream, he would be Pecan Pralines ‘n Cream... Barack Obama would be Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough... my vote is for Pecan Pralines ‘n Cream, but I really wish Mint Chocolate Chip was a candidate.


• The nicer Murano glass accent pieces are pretty damn cool... see for yourself...

• I'm 35 years old... you would think I would have sense enough not to consume so much candy as to cause myself a rather significant tummy-ache... and you would be wrong. Eeeeewwwww, my gut.


• My next great culinary experiment??? Fried guacamole... yes, FRIED GUACAMOLE!!!


• Professional wrestling on the Sci-Fi Channel... I don't get it.


• Man... I really ate too much candy! I think I'm gonna puke.


• I've come up with the name for my fantasy football team this season... "Big, Sweaty, Black Guys".


• Today on the ABC NewsOne feed, there was video of a monkey run amok at Shibuya station in Tokyo... absolute comedy gold!

To repeat what others have said requires education... to challenge it requires brains.

What in the world is being taught in the once-hallowed halls of Subway University these days?!? I've enjoyed dining on their interpretation of the hoagie for many a year. However, I do not frequent Subway with great regularity anymore, perhaps once or twice every couple of months, but every time I do, without fail, I am horrified by an egregious error in the sequence of sandwich assembly. Regardless of employee or location, they always do it the same way, and DAMN IT... IT IS THE WRONG WAY TO MAKE A SANDWICH!!! An explanation...

I walk into a Subway location (hopefully with little or no line), approach the counter, flash a big smile to the kind soul who will be taking my order (and inquire as to the state of their humor up to this point of the day), and then I convey my dining desire... let's say a footlong veggie on wheat... and immediately, it all starts to go wrong... so very, very wrong. The alleged sandwich artist grabs a loaf, grabs a knife, deftly bisects the bread and unfolds it... and it should be sandwich making time. Under acceptable circumstances, this is the point where I inform the sub monkey that I would like a spread of mayonnaise, BUT... the way the operation is run these days, I am asked what items I want on my sandwich before any consideration of condiment choice... BLASPHEMY! I adamantly advise the employee that I want my mayo spread ON THE BREAD, not glopped amongst the ingredients. My request is met not with an acknowledgment of my desires, or words of any kind, but instead a confused, slack-jawed look. I reiterate that I would like the mayo on the bread before the rest of the sandwich is assembled... and with seeming heavy hesitance, my wishes are fulfilled. So, that's the long (or should I say footlong? HAR HAR HAR!) and short of it.

Maybe you don't care for mayo... perhaps ketchup is your cat's meow... or a healthy dose of mustard floats your boat... whatever. When it comes to condiments, YOU APPLY THEM TO THE BREAD. "Why?" you may ask... well, let me tell you. First of all, it moistens the bread in an ever so delightful way... this is integral to achieving sandwich bliss. Secondly, it acts as no less than a binding agent, helping to hold one's portable meal in one piece. There are few greater catastrophes than one-handing a ham and cheese while driving, only to have the sumbitch fall to pieces and get swine slime all over your nice silk vest... talk about a fashion fauxpas! Think about it in these terms... you want a cheeseburger with mayo and shredded lettuce, and you are given a burger patty with a nice melted slice of American, but it is subsequently placed on a dry bottom half of a burger bun... upon this is piled some lovely, crisp bits o' lettuce, which, alas, is then sullied by drizzle of mayonnaise, before this unfit-to-rule burger is crowned with the other half of the depressingly dry bun. A cheeseburger with shredded lettuce and mayo? Certainly not! You have cheeseburger, topped with cole slaw, on a butt-nekked bun, and nobody wants that, now do they?

The fact that Subway now employs such a sandwich-making policy is irrefutable evidence that the ranks of their upper-management have been infiltrated by damn, dirty communists... so, faced with such foes, I am left to plea with the sandwich-crafting proletariat... consider what you have learned. Call these methods into question... weigh what you have been "taught" against what you know! Does it feel right? It can't possibly! Defy authority... buck free of the bourgeoisie!!! Do what you know to be right... and put the spread on the bread.

Move over, Brangelina! (Seriously... GET THE F*@# OUTTA THE WAY!!!)

We are a society seemingly obsessed with celebrity... a country hopelessly hooked on the tripe that is tabloid television. We are addicts... and the pabulum of the paparazzi is our fix. And when we feed at the Hollywood trough, which slop is our favorite??? Why, celebrity couples, of course! Yes, yes... the romantic uniting of two high-profile, impossibly good looking members of American royalty is an absolutely irresistible elixir... and boy, we drink it up! Though the great majority of these couplings prove to be quite fleeting, we still eat up every exciting moment. Dining out, at the premier, cocktails at the club... photographs and video of such happenings give us a brief, but stimulating, glimpse into the exciting lives of these tantalizing twosomes we hold so dear. And a recent revelation in the endeavor of celebrity gawking has greatly enhanced our ability to enjoy the pairing of pretty people... something that might best be called "couples branding". Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez... what an exciting item they are! Hey... Ben, Jennifer... BENNIFER!!! How adorable! Shit, they broke up... but wow, now Ben's dating that chick from Alias, Jennifer Garner. WAIT A MINUTE!!! Bennifer works for them too! Aren't they cute together?!? Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie... what a big-time brace that is! BRANGELINA... oh, so clever... and no sillier a nomenclature than what they call that little Ethiopian kid she adopted. You know, this "couples branding" is kind of fun... no, it's really fun! And, damn it, I think I'm gonna try my hand at it (using completely hypothetical hook-ups, of course)! Here we go...

TV star / professional Latin heartthrob... and the Wall Street wizard... Wilmer Valderrama and Meredith Whitney... WILMEREDITH!

Everybody's favorite Buddhist thespian with a taste for models turned actress... and Oscar-winning model turned actress... Richard Gere and Charlize Theron... RICHARLIZE!

The terminally wacky actor... and the terminally sultry / sexy actress... Jamie Kennedy and Jamie Pressly... um, JAMIE-POO!

The first female speaker of the United States House of Representatives... and Warren Commission detractor... Nancy Pelosi and Cyril Wecht... NANCYRIL!

How about the bawdy brains behind the Broken Lizard boys... and the striking model / actress / singer? Jay Chandrasekhar and Milla Jovovich... JOVOVICHANDRASEKHAR!

I'm gonna go get something to eat... thank you for reading!

Adventures in Doggysitting!

It's the Izzy and Heidi show!

It's amazing!

It's been 15 years, 15 YEARS, since American males of all ages were initially titillated by a trio of Aerosmith music videos featuring the pouty-lipped, potty-mouthed, flaxen-haired harlot embodied so beautifully by young Alicia Silverstone. A Catholic school girl on the lam... navel piercings, stripteases, purse-snatcher beatings, bungee jumping off a freeway overpass... truly, a hot-ass little hellion hunting for trouble! God, it was beautiful! The songs themselves? Eh, they were, at best, below-average to feculent... certainly not amongst the highlights of the Aerosmith catalogue. Hell, I don't think I could tell one from another... they all sounded the same. That being said, in this instance, it wasn't about the music, it was about the muse... and her sultry siren song of sin! You simply couldn't turn away. Please enjoy for yourself...



I will admit, I'm not really all that up on what kind of music the kiddies are bop-bop-bopping along to these days, but I do know this, I haven't seen an actual music video for any song released post-1997... well, I haven't seen a video for a song that isn't about marijuana use, high-end cognac or champagne consumption or a mouth full of gold teeth. Having established this, it is my assertion that Alicia Silverstone is, and will remain, the last great music video vixen. Of course, I shouldn't sell her career short... she starred in Clueless, which was a big hit at the box office. She also did that movie where Benicio del Toro kidnaps her... and, um... hmmmmmmmmm. Did I mention Clueless?

God bless you, Alicia... wherever you are, you crazy, amazing, cryin' cutie! XOXO