What in the world is being taught in the once-hallowed halls of Subway University these days?!? I've enjoyed dining on their interpretation of the hoagie for many a year. However, I do not frequent Subway with great regularity anymore, perhaps once or twice every couple of months, but every time I do, without fail, I am horrified by an egregious error in the sequence of sandwich assembly. Regardless of employee or location, they always do it the same way, and DAMN IT... IT IS THE WRONG WAY TO MAKE A SANDWICH!!! An explanation...
I walk into a Subway location (hopefully with little or no line), approach the counter, flash a big smile to the kind soul who will be taking my order (and inquire as to the state of their humor up to this point of the day), and then I convey my dining desire... let's say a footlong veggie on wheat... and immediately, it all starts to go wrong... so very, very wrong. The alleged sandwich artist grabs a loaf, grabs a knife, deftly bisects the bread and unfolds it... and it should be sandwich making time. Under acceptable circumstances, this is the point where I inform the sub monkey that I would like a spread of mayonnaise, BUT... the way the operation is run these days, I am asked what items I want on my sandwich before any consideration of condiment choice... BLASPHEMY! I adamantly advise the employee that I want my mayo spread ON THE BREAD, not glopped amongst the ingredients. My request is met not with an acknowledgment of my desires, or words of any kind, but instead a confused, slack-jawed look. I reiterate that I would like the mayo on the bread before the rest of the sandwich is assembled... and with seeming heavy hesitance, my wishes are fulfilled. So, that's the long (or should I say footlong? HAR HAR HAR!) and short of it.
Maybe you don't care for mayo... perhaps ketchup is your cat's meow... or a healthy dose of mustard floats your boat... whatever. When it comes to condiments, YOU APPLY THEM TO THE BREAD. "Why?" you may ask... well, let me tell you. First of all, it moistens the bread in an ever so delightful way... this is integral to achieving sandwich bliss. Secondly, it acts as no less than a binding agent, helping to hold one's portable meal in one piece. There are few greater catastrophes than one-handing a ham and cheese while driving, only to have the sumbitch fall to pieces and get swine slime all over your nice silk vest... talk about a fashion fauxpas! Think about it in these terms... you want a cheeseburger with mayo and shredded lettuce, and you are given a burger patty with a nice melted slice of American, but it is subsequently placed on a dry bottom half of a burger bun... upon this is piled some lovely, crisp bits o' lettuce, which, alas, is then sullied by drizzle of mayonnaise, before this unfit-to-rule burger is crowned with the other half of the depressingly dry bun. A cheeseburger with shredded lettuce and mayo? Certainly not! You have cheeseburger, topped with cole slaw, on a butt-nekked bun, and nobody wants that, now do they?
The fact that Subway now employs such a sandwich-making policy is irrefutable evidence that the ranks of their upper-management have been infiltrated by damn, dirty communists... so, faced with such foes, I am left to plea with the sandwich-crafting proletariat... consider what you have learned. Call these methods into question... weigh what you have been "taught" against what you know! Does it feel right? It can't possibly! Defy authority... buck free of the bourgeoisie!!! Do what you know to be right... and put the spread on the bread.
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